I got fucking backfired today about an exposure I did a few days ago. I'm afraid to be constantly listened to through my camera smartphone. So in order to prove to myself that's bullshit I feel the URGE to pop the camera up and say awful things toward myself or people I care about, but once I do it I feel so bad I'm so scared someone could hurt the people I mentioned it's awful no one not experiencing OCD could understand the triggers, the inner fight between your soul and your heart. Anyway, a few days ago I decided to say awful things and this time it was my mother who was related to my saying. At first it felt good but has anyone already made a compulsion, felt better but then did a compulsion as if this one was the one you literally CROSSED the line. It often happens to me but each time I feel like I crossed the line I know I go in hell for several days before getting away of this place. I'm gonna say awful things using my camera now (even tho again I don't record anything I just faint to make a video sayings horrible stuff. What should I do? Am I right to expose myself or is it a bad thing to me it's good because I have to face my fear and I'm not afraid to do it but the guilt is fierce man. Hope I could have some advice from people who understand this shitty ocd stuff. Thanks for having read it hop yall get better soon 🙋‍♂️.

That is kind of giving into the compulsion

@ihateocd Not necessarily. But if you want to keep going, why not write something nice about your family in a journal before you talk to the camera to remind yourself that this is just for exposure therapy and it's not how you really feel.

@ihateocd Exactly! You know how it is from your answer

@LuckyPink A good balance between saying awful things and write why I'm doing it but the curse is that I said awful things and it scares the shh out of me in a way that I feel like someone could have listened to what I said and could want to find a way to hurt the people I mentionnés while doing my compulsions (in my compulsions I can say like "yo fuc.. Hackrs you won't be able to torture X the way I said my stuff and if you don't do it I curse you forever (again I'm sure you got why I do this, it's for persuading myself that it's bullshh to imagine that someone could have watched me doing my compulsions but then I'm destroyed imagining that what I said could happen). Thanks for your message tho it helps felling that I'm backed up by people understanding my hell 👍👍👍

It's pretty much what I'm experiencing, bc I bought a honor with a camera inside the phone (the camera pops up when you want to, its not like you have the camera hole "visible" on your smartphone) and still I'm forced to make it pop up and do my compulsions. If I don't do it I'm destroyed, and if I do it I'm torn apart (it's like whatever I'm decided to do I know it's for the worst). I feel like I should do it (like an exposure) bit each time I finish saying so many awful things I fell like I ended up "crossing the line" and I feel guilty but so baaad it's awful. Thanks for answering to me it's priceless! 👍