[Long im sorry] Hey everyone. I took a break for a while. I made a mistake a week ago and i googled a bunch of things i shouldnt. They worked their way into my ocd and its been harder since it morphed. I have good days and bad, since ive been working out trying to cut down on ruminating and compulsing and working on responding instead of reacting to my intrusive thoughts. I broke down and ritualized twice the other day. I tried being kind to myself since i know im human and it happens. Its just hard because im stubborn. I know my truth but my brain wont accept it and im too stubborn to go along with it to stop the obsessive wheel. It constantly feels like im being dragged against my will. I tried to join the HOCD reddit board but my situation is so unique i dont feel like i belong enough to post, which i think is hurting me the most. My self esteems in the toilet. Why would a gay trans man be afraid that hes a lesbian? I know that its stupid, hypocritical and ridiculous but honestly its been one of my biggest fears in talking about my issues. I feel like such a niche case, despite all my symptoms being spot on and screaming "hocd". Ill try to be kinder to myself today, work with mindfulness, try not to get so wrapped up. Ive just been so depressed over it all and needed to just get it out.

Hello everyone. I was recently recommended this app by my therapist who I just started seeing for “HOCD”. I wanted to share my story and symptoms in the hopes that someone is going through the same thing and needs to hear it or can offer support. The onset for me was very recent, a month ago to be exact. I wasn’t in the best psychological state, I had a job offer for another company presented to me that I had the inclination to take but had a lot of anxiety and trepidation about. I spent days upon days worrying if I should take it or should I stay. Finally when I took it I was still in a funk and very indecisive and even regretful. One day thereafter I was watching a Video of an openly homosexual man doing a ABC news interview. To this day I’m not sure what caused it, but something about it caused me a lot of anxiety and I started thinking for some reason that I was gay. Now as a background, I live with my gf and we have been together 2 years. Our sex life the last couple months has been dormant to put it best and I had felt a detraction to wanting to make love. I found myself watching a lot of porn to get off which isn’t abnormal for me, it’s pretty regular. Once the symptoms kicked in I started panicking trying to force all the thoughts out of my head. That just amplified them and made it extreme. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t work I couldn’t function. I googled everything under the sun and when I found out about OCD I instantly felt relieved. But then it came back, and I started to question myself even more. I go through the same mental loops over and over and over, constantly reassuring myself. Now, reading other people’s stories or even coming out stories they are so different From mine. Many people refer to past experiences or having thoughts of being with a guy sexually. I have never had those thoughts ever. I have been with a lot of women romantically and sexually and have never thought about another man, have never had the desire to be with a man in any way. This has caused me to rethink everything about myself and even times convinced me that I was living a lie. Fast forward to the day, I’m not sure what is going on or how to summarize all of this. I use to love watching sports listening to podcasts going to the gym and I do none of it anymore. I barely can keep my focus on the day to day especially when I try to work. It feels like my life is just trying to transform overnight and that it will never stop. I’ve reassured myself over and over and it’s like I can’t get out my own way. When I’m feeling good I’ll watch porn or fantasize about having sex with a woman and I’ll get hard. And still that’s not enough. It’s like I don’t even believe my reality anymore and my mind is trying to force me to be gay. I get headaches all the time especially in the morning. It’s like the first thought that pops in my head, “you’re gay”. I’ve been around many men in my life, even in my athletic days in college I mean you got half naked dudes in the locker room including myself-never in life have I ever had an intrusive thought or been attracted to any man. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not even sure how to classify this-I don’t know if it’s generalized anxiety, overthinking, depression or HOCD. Any suggestions , insight, or recommendation would help. I’d like to have a clear head and be myself and enjoy my life. I’m a good dude and I have nothing against anyone of any subscription-including homosexuals. I’ve been around guys or girls who are whether in the workplace or seeing on social media and it’s all love. I am 26 years old. Thanks.

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.