[Long im sorry] Hey everyone. I took a break for a while. I made a mistake a week ago and i googled a bunch of things i shouldnt. They worked their way into my ocd and its been harder since it morphed. I have good days and bad, since ive been working out trying to cut down on ruminating and compulsing and working on responding instead of reacting to my intrusive thoughts. I broke down and ritualized twice the other day. I tried being kind to myself since i know im human and it happens. Its just hard because im stubborn. I know my truth but my brain wont accept it and im too stubborn to go along with it to stop the obsessive wheel. It constantly feels like im being dragged against my will. I tried to join the HOCD reddit board but my situation is so unique i dont feel like i belong enough to post, which i think is hurting me the most. My self esteems in the toilet. Why would a gay trans man be afraid that hes a lesbian? I know that its stupid, hypocritical and ridiculous but honestly its been one of my biggest fears in talking about my issues. I feel like such a niche case, despite all my symptoms being spot on and screaming "hocd". Ill try to be kinder to myself today, work with mindfulness, try not to get so wrapped up. Ive just been so depressed over it all and needed to just get it out.

Tell me this, how is your body? Sleepy, hungry, exhausted? Listen to it and make sure it's fueled and energized. Are you seeing a therapist? Are you medicated? Sometimes genetically we may be biochemically off - my mother has OCD and she never knew so be aware of how your parents emotions are handled as well. Make sure you stay away from google unless it's informative and no for reassurance.

I have to go to work for a bit - I want to look up more of what you are going through since I don't have the fear in my way. I may be able to find useful information for you. I'll get back soon.

Until then, breath, go on a walk, listen to some soulful music and smell the flowers - life is beautiful.

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. May I ask, when you say gay trans man turning lesbian.. would that mean that you would be straight? As in you are afraid of liking the opposite sex?

You always belong, and your always loved. It's never uncommon to go on websites that you shouldn't, and it's definitely not a big deal that you did! Your just exploring, and that's what OCD does! It takes your emotions and twists them in many ways. HOCD isn't something to beat yourself down about! And this isn't stupid. None of this is stupid--you should never think it is, because it's important you understand that what your feeling is completely fine I'm no expert, but maybe you should consider talking to someone in real life! Your always welcome to post here, the NOCD team is extremely welcoming, and the community is extremely tight! Your a normal person feeling normal symptoms of NOCD. There's nothing stupid about the way you feel. Remember your loved, and your cared for throughout this process. Have an amazing day! ???

@waterlady the issue is i have this double edged fear that my gender identity is wrong and that ive been wrong about my sexuality. A friend shared some post on twitter a long time ago about "people who are lesbians and just never knew it" which sparked this stupid fear in me. My issues are pretty layered and its hard to really explain it all without writing a book lmfao

Ok I see.. yes I can see how that twitter post made the spark happen. Listen, I've had the same issues in a different way. I'm a straight women who has been in past relationships with men and almost engaged to a man. During some periods of my life - I've had these hocd occurrences where I question is all. I think to myself.. what if I've been wrong and I secretly like women? (Most of my hetero relationships haven't worked out) then if I read about gender identity, I start questioning, am I women? Am I secretly wanting to be a guy? (I get along with guys and sometimes like them better as friends than girls) the doubt will spin me into extreme anxiety and I feel like everything I've known about myself was a lie and it tears me to pieces. Now, in this moment, right now, I've accepted the fact that I may never know but what I do have to trust is that I do have OCD. I have recently stopped looking for answers and started researching more about OCD. I'm not looking for the truth anymore, im learning new ways to cope with OCD and surprisingly, my symptoms of fear and "denial" have slowly evaporated. I think at this point, stop searching, start accepting and stat learning about how to cope with OCD.

I think at one point, you just need to accept you have hocd and learn new ways to cope with it and I mean really accept it even if every part of you is saying your just in denial.