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AjaxSimp

Date posted: 4y

I just want to rant about my struggles with OCD. Sometimes my thoughts are about harming me or someone else it's been my main freak out. Since for a week I can't stop seeing terrible images. I can't eat or sleep properly since it's been going on. I can't even draw anymore due to the thoughts. I panic so badly I'm going numb I start to feel emotionless until I obsess over my thoughts I feel my emotions come back. Since I've been fighting with myself to stop it. I feel like it's toxic around my family members since they have to put up with me and my panic attacks. I feel like my sister is giving up on me she's been helping me fight it for four years now. I don't blame here for wanting to take a break away from me. I'm at a state where I believe that I'm my bad thoughts that I'm lying to others that I'm not this disgusting person. That I'm a manipulator it scares me. I'm at a battle that I'm not. I don't believe it since for a few months back I was happy with better thoughts even though it was poking at me I had better control. Now I'm constantly freaking out and crying mostly everyday. I can't stop them making me believe that I want to be like this. I just want everything to be normal again I want to be happy the way I used to be. My imagination is no longer a place for me to be happy to being corrupted by bad thoughts. My interest in things I like or doing is also leaving me. I feel lifeless most of the time until I fixate on the bad. I also been pulling out my hair I just picked up this habit a few days ago. When I had my first panic attack about bad thoughts I never done this. It seems to get worst over the years. I don't want to be stuck like this I kept trying to move forward but I keep getting trapped into this endless cycle of darkness. I had good thoughts I was being motivated by them but in a few minutes I started to worry about the bad again. I can't get help by an actual therapist since I'm poor and can't afford the treatment here, every place that is near me aren't accepting new patients. I can't go out of town to get help since it's also too expensive. I feel trapped, allowing this to lose my goals that I want to achieve in life. Sorry if this is too long or repetitive. I feel a little better typing out my thoughts.

coraaane

Date posted: 4y

I just read a post..”the first place we lose the battle is in our own thinking. If you think it’s permanent than it’s going to be permanent”. I also struggle with Harm OCD each episode is hard especially after a moment of not having the intrusive thoughts like “fuck here we go again it’s back I’m never going to get better” but what I’ve learned in the last few months is our reaction to the initial intrusive thought is make or break it for me. I have to shut it down right then and there as soon as I catch it and I really just shrug it off like “ok OCD you’re right I’m gonna continue to do whatever it is I was doing you have fun” I know it sounds so silly but really challenge the thought. Turn the I don’t want toos into I’m doing it anyways and the more you do it the easier it gets. NOCD has so many different ways to help with payments and other resources. They really helped me I would reach out and see what they can do for you Because this saved my life.

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