Please help me. My ocd has taken over me life and I don't know what to do My intrusive thoughts and false memories have gotten a lot worse over the past week, which has lead to me developing more compulsions. I feel so guilty because of what my thoughts and false memories are and I'm scared that I'll be judged for them. Slurs keep popping into my head and I get false memories of me saying them. I record myself during the day to make sure that I'm not saying them and I rewatch the videos. I've never said them in any of the videos but I'm terrified that they'll slip out without me knowing. I feel like disgusting human and I sometimes wonder if I even deserve to recover and maybe I deserve to suffer because of how horrible this is. I have bruises on my lips because I bite them as hard as I can to make sure that I don't say anything. This isn't as effective anymore because my ocd has convinced me that I'll speak or mumble something even if my mouth is closed. I know this is stupid and doesn't make any sense. I never had this problem until I came across somebody else who was dealing with this a few months ago. My ocd has taken somebody elses intrusive thoughts and compulsions and made them mine. I feel like a horrible human being and I wanted to prove that I wasn't a bad person. If I get one of these intrusive thoughts when I'm listening to a song or watching a video, I'll start the song or video again and rewatch it until I can make it through without thinking it. I've also seen people shame others who have these type of thoughts and it's made me feel horrible. I'm scared that they're right and I am a disgusting person. I then started listening to music by poc and over because my ocd has told me that I'm racist if I don't. it's also convinced me that it's good to do this because it will boost the song and I'm helping out. I used to be nomal and not do things like this. My life has gone down hill so quickly and it's embarrassing. This is the worst my ocd has ever been and I'm so ashamed. I can't control it but I wish I could. I get headaches and I sometimes feel sick from the anxiety and stress. I've also been breaking out im stress hives over the past couple of months because of this. I haven't been looking after myself because I don't have the time or energy. I'm constantly doing my compulsions or obsessing over my intrusive thoughts, so I don't have any free time. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I would do anything to make this stop and I'm truly so sorry for the things my ocd is making me think. I never had this problem before my ocd got really bad. Slurs are not words I use or would ever want to use. My ocd has ruined me. I don't know what to do anymore.

PinkRose1111

381d ago

I could have wrote this myself! I totally can relate to you. I have always had a mild form of ocd, I’ve had health ocd, and pure ocd as well as general anxiety and low self confidence. But after a traumatic experience where we discovered a family member who had married into our family was a paedophile and then another similar incident at my child’s school club, it that led to me having a traumatic dream about the person from the after school club asking a child to keep her abuse a secret that literally traumatised me to the core. How could I dream that? Why is that even in my head? What does it mean? Is it a warning? I became obsessed with trying to understand this dream (it actually gave me PTSD) i was Googling trying to find answers about my dream and came across a website discussing intrusive thoughts and particularly about abuse and my traumatised brain just latched onto it and I began to experience those ocd thoughts that person had described. I’d never even heard of intrusive thoughts before. I would do anything to go back in time and never have googled that fucking dream. It has literally destroyed my life. I began to have intrusive thoughts about child abuse and I cannot even describe how much it has utterly destroyed every semblance of happiness in my life. This progressed to me believing it must mean something bad about me. So my ocd is constantly trying to make me think I’m a bad person. It’s even given me intrusive thoughts about my family members and kids which drove me to attempt to take my life. And the most frustrating thing is while all this is happening I KNOW it’s not true! The thoughts terrify and torment me, I know who I am, I’m shy, gentle, maternal, caring , kind etc and it’s literally the total opposite of who I am. I cannot abhor to think of anyone suffering let alone a child. Yet that smidge of ‘what if’ has demolished me. I ask myself all the time how can something not true, created by my brain and imagination cause so much damage to me. I don’t have the answer. What I do know is ocd latches on to what you care about the most and distorts it and twists it. I have my assessment from this noocd tommorow so I hope I can salvage my happy life back. And then I want to help others from suffering like this. I wouldn’t even wish this on any good person and it seems, us good people tend to suffer the most. I know this won’t help you and I actually get terrified about reading other people’s stories on this thread cos they actually trigger me and I worry I may ‘absorb’ their form of ocd too but I hope this helps you see you are not alone. I get you.