Yesterday was alright. I’m still working on it but for the most part I just have a constant mild anxiety that will go away for whatever reason. When I get triggered I noticed my anxiety lasts less time. I basically am at a point where I feel no real fear that I’m sexually attracted to someone of same sex. When I’m triggered there’s less groinals or it just lasts less time. Still don’t get hard to the intrusive thoughts that seem waaay less frequent. Sometimes (TMI) I mistake morning wood for me being aroused because this is the first thing I think about every morning. Now the problem is since I have no sexual attraction doubts or very little at that, I started to feel disgusted with any intrusive thought or even looking at a dude. Still that’s not the whole thing. Now that sexual attraction is pretty much out of the picture now it tries to say I’m emotionally attracted to basically anyone for any reason. Even people I dislike. Always coupled with anxiety as well just like the sexually intrusive thoughts, some groinals that seem a lot less confusing with arousal because it doesn’t feel at all good, probably more uncomfortable than anything and alot more intense because I feel like this is even more damaging and a fear is that I’m attracted on an emotional level. But one good thing is I know I like girls, even with minimal attraction I usually have my eyes on a girl and the anxiety fades for a second but comes back when I realize my situation again. It doesn’t feel like liking girls is wrong from a deep part inside of me, it feels like it is locked in a cage with it leaking through the bars at times. Usually once I realize I am feeling attracted toward a girl everything comes back as if OCD is telling me that I can’t do that not that I don’t want it. It’s not even confusing, in the past few days I realized a lot that men don’t fit the bill for me, I’ll be fully aroused and ready to go from seeing girls on Instagram but the moment the intrusive thought pops up or I even see a dude I start to get a groinal response and I go limp and anxiety fills my body. Everytime I think back on all the research I did as reassurance that ended up triggering me like peoples coming out stories or how they knew they were gay and even all these terms that use for “late bloomers” I don’t feel any relation, like I can relate to one point maybe but everything else is super exclusive to them. Seen them all talk about a guilty feeling or some always looked at dudes and just explained it as jealousy only to realize he was checking out dudes. A lot seem like special cases for one, but a lot of them don’t tell the whole story, I see people asking how they knew and then say how they are feeling in terms of HOCD and the people respond with sarcasm or just saying that they felt similar things before but never telling the whole story. Usually when we are talking about HOCD we are spilling the beans on everything, the groinals, the anxiety, the overall unwant of the thoughts and fear, and the constant wish to go back to how we were before. And seeking reassurance is bad but when all people tell us is the things that the experienced as well, usually only one thing and it’s usually sexual thoughts. It’s not their responsibility to help us but I can’t help but feel annoyed toward the people who try to convince us of something that we obviously don’t want.