My problem is ruminating. Before this onset of OCD I was an over thinker, over analyzer, basically everything in the book along those lines. With social anxiety to boot. The reason this is so bad is because I am an introvert not only that but I prefer to be alone, I thought I was asexual in middle school but I ended up liking a girl so I decided that didn’t make sense. But after she rejected me I had a crush on a girl my freshman year of high school but she was like levels above me so I just admired from afar, did the whole “find a pornstar that looks like her” thing that all weird high school boys do. I even remember the Actress I chose for her doppelgänger, Leah Gotti… lmao. Pretty inappropriate I know. But with that out the way I said before that ruminating is my problem. But with things like body dysmorphia that shares similar symptoms with OCD my ruminating helped me in the end. Since I’m new to this severe OCD game I don’t know how to control this. I have always been a deep thinker and I usually spend months on one certain topic be it how I can improve myself or an insecurity or a fear. Usually a logical explanation worked… but with how I am right now I fear I will take a step off a bridge in the future. It’s like my mind had turned on me, I can ruminate and be aware but that doesn’t take away the anxiety for long, it’s like it’ll target each and everything that can possible be perceived as gay in my mind which there are practically no ways that can prove I’m not but a million that can prove I am. I don’t think I’m in denial but even saying that makes me feel like I’m in denial. I’ve practically beat away every obstacle that it has thrown at me but I’m overwhelmed now. This is too much, I haven’t cried but I’m on the verge of tears because of this. I miss the person I was, I miss the confidence I had in my sexuality while I also miss my overthinking towards everything else besides this. So this is destroying me, my dreams, and my spirit. I’ll tell you nothing helps because I won’t let it subconsciously, I know I’m not gay, I hold off complete distress with my overly logical mindset. I don’t even know compulsions to natural instinct anymore. Im still attracted to girls but it’s like it’s locked behind a door, I know I don’t really fit under these terms like internalized homophobia and basically everything surrounding denial. But my mind obviously says otherwise. It seems everyday it throws something completely different at me. Like when this started it was mainly fear that I was just gay because no reason at all. I did research and made it worse, became fear of sexual attraction with having sexual intrusive thoughts, then I basically overcame that within a week or two, and then it targeted romantic attraction, because I researched again while I was in a state of minimal anxiety. After that I’ve been dealing with fear that these are urges and not intrusive thoughts, but now it’s weird because it’s like I’m not worried about romantic or sexual attraction, it’s just I’m hyper aware to the point of being ridiculous. So a week ago I started ruminating a lot with the lack of intrusive thoughts because I had basically loss all stress about sexual intrusive thoughts and they basically never came anymore. But I disguised my ruminating as mindfulness but it was just me ruminating in the end of the day. So the romantic attraction didn’t last long, it was way too far fetched. Soon I realized that I was doing a lot avoidance compulsions, walking into the back room at work to be away from people etc. but anyways that is still something I do. One thing though that just started today. Is my hyper awareness got waaaay worse. Before I would look at a dude and think that was a reason to say I was gay. But now if a dude is even in my peripheral vision that is also a reason. It’s so silly and when I really think about it I find it so ridiculous. But it seriously fucks with me man. Anyways with that I wanna ask what are some tips to stop ruminating?

There’s this one situation that I haven’t stopped thinking about from last night . So basically, I was reading 'The power of Now' which is a book that I love so much and really got me into spirituality. It’s been so helpful for my OCD and rumination but it’s also been pretty triggering for it as of late, so I’ve taken a long break from consistently reading it. The excerpt I read was about abundance and how its not about being bountiful, necessarily in material things but realizing and being grateful for the things that exist in your life now and in doing so, you will open yourself up to more good things. I understood it but I re-read it a lot because I didn't feel confident enough to explain it to someone else. but otherwise I LOVED IT. It made me feel so at peace, I agreed with it, and it gave me hope to start focusing on the good things in my life rather than the bad. So when I went to bed I rehearsed myself explaining it to someone on a podcast and then all these questions started flooding in like “why should I only focus on the good and aren't we supposed to accept the good and bad? Aren’t those the values of Buddha and spirituality” “Ya, we're supposed to accept the good and the bad but why?- so we can feel more good??? And isn't the point of OCD to not label things as good and bad? and why should I focus on the good- so I can feel good? why should I feel good? because I'm worthy of it? why am I worthy of it? because I'm a good person and do good things? well I’ve also done bad things so why shouldn't I consider that. I just don’t understand why I should feel good without it being selfish. And then this went on for like 2 or 3 hours. Like holy shit. I over explain these ideas and concepts that I resonate with to the point where they don't even make sense to me anymore. It becomes very existensial very quick. And I’m not suicidal but these questions make me feel hopeless in society for some reason?? And myself. Like if everything contradicts everything then what’s the point to life? If nothing can be understood or explained in a senseful way, then how do people move forward and make decisions, like AT ALL? There’s never a right or perfect answer and I feel like with any decision I make in regards, I’m doing a compulsion either way. If I don’t answer them, then I’m avoiding it and if I do then I’m checking and seeking reassurance. I’m sorry if this was way too long and over-explained I just need some advice or to know if anyone can relate in any way. Also, I’m sorry if some of those back-to-back questions were triggering.

I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.

I have really started to take control of my compulsions and im starting to string together better days! Still not great days or even good, but they are better!!! I have controlled my outward compulsions (googling, research, reassurance, checking) the past couple of days and felt the positive impact of that. But unfortunately, I am realizing that the rumination is still constant. My sexuality and relationship are the only two things constantly on my brain, and if they aren’t I freak out and wonder why im not thinking about them! Anyone have any advice on how to deal with the rumination. Sometimes I don’t even notice im doing it, but it’s taking up 90% of my day. Once I start to tackle this I think I may make some real big progress! Hope everyone is fighting today! ❤️