My problem is ruminating. Before this onset of OCD I was an over thinker, over analyzer, basically everything in the book along those lines. With social anxiety to boot. The reason this is so bad is because I am an introvert not only that but I prefer to be alone, I thought I was asexual in middle school but I ended up liking a girl so I decided that didn’t make sense. But after she rejected me I had a crush on a girl my freshman year of high school but she was like levels above me so I just admired from afar, did the whole “find a pornstar that looks like her” thing that all weird high school boys do. I even remember the Actress I chose for her doppelgänger, Leah Gotti… lmao. Pretty inappropriate I know. But with that out the way I said before that ruminating is my problem. But with things like body dysmorphia that shares similar symptoms with OCD my ruminating helped me in the end. Since I’m new to this severe OCD game I don’t know how to control this. I have always been a deep thinker and I usually spend months on one certain topic be it how I can improve myself or an insecurity or a fear. Usually a logical explanation worked… but with how I am right now I fear I will take a step off a bridge in the future. It’s like my mind had turned on me, I can ruminate and be aware but that doesn’t take away the anxiety for long, it’s like it’ll target each and everything that can possible be perceived as gay in my mind which there are practically no ways that can prove I’m not but a million that can prove I am. I don’t think I’m in denial but even saying that makes me feel like I’m in denial. I’ve practically beat away every obstacle that it has thrown at me but I’m overwhelmed now. This is too much, I haven’t cried but I’m on the verge of tears because of this. I miss the person I was, I miss the confidence I had in my sexuality while I also miss my overthinking towards everything else besides this. So this is destroying me, my dreams, and my spirit. I’ll tell you nothing helps because I won’t let it subconsciously, I know I’m not gay, I hold off complete distress with my overly logical mindset. I don’t even know compulsions to natural instinct anymore. Im still attracted to girls but it’s like it’s locked behind a door, I know I don’t really fit under these terms like internalized homophobia and basically everything surrounding denial. But my mind obviously says otherwise. It seems everyday it throws something completely different at me. Like when this started it was mainly fear that I was just gay because no reason at all. I did research and made it worse, became fear of sexual attraction with having sexual intrusive thoughts, then I basically overcame that within a week or two, and then it targeted romantic attraction, because I researched again while I was in a state of minimal anxiety. After that I’ve been dealing with fear that these are urges and not intrusive thoughts, but now it’s weird because it’s like I’m not worried about romantic or sexual attraction, it’s just I’m hyper aware to the point of being ridiculous. So a week ago I started ruminating a lot with the lack of intrusive thoughts because I had basically loss all stress about sexual intrusive thoughts and they basically never came anymore. But I disguised my ruminating as mindfulness but it was just me ruminating in the end of the day. So the romantic attraction didn’t last long, it was way too far fetched. Soon I realized that I was doing a lot avoidance compulsions, walking into the back room at work to be away from people etc. but anyways that is still something I do. One thing though that just started today. Is my hyper awareness got waaaay worse. Before I would look at a dude and think that was a reason to say I was gay. But now if a dude is even in my peripheral vision that is also a reason. It’s so silly and when I really think about it I find it so ridiculous. But it seriously fucks with me man. Anyways with that I wanna ask what are some tips to stop ruminating?

the most debilitating ocd flare-up i’ve been having for the past few months has been about the guy i used to talk to. we weren’t dating per-se, but whatever was going on between us was very confusing and unclear, and it ended up with me being very hurt. he was basically leading me on, and couldn’t commit to me. it’s been months since we’ve stopped talking and i still can’t stop thinking about him. i don’t even care about him that much in an objective sense, but i am genuinely obsessed with him. everything i see reminds me of him, and my mind is constantly running through thoughts about him and our situation — why did it go the way it did, what did i do wrong, does he still think about me, etc. it’s honestly so humiliating and makes me feel pathetic because i know he’s probably moved on by now, and i still can’t handle the thought or sight of him. i just wish i could stop ruminating, because it’s gotten so bad that i can’t focus on school or anything else in life. it’s so constant to the point where, when i bring it up to my friends (which is very often), i’m met with concern and even frustration rather than sympathy. how can i cope with the rumination? it’s genuinely exhausting, and i can’t sleep at night because my brain is just running like a motor. i have dreams about it almost nightly as well. anything helps!

I have just recently realized that I had SO OCD. This began whenever I was watching porn and had an intrusive thought about the guy in the porn. It was more minor at first, it was a majority of what I was thinking about throughout the day but it didn’t feel as distressing at first. If I had downtime to think about it, it would affect me but if I was just going about my day I wouldn’t notice it. I began going through the compulsions of checking myself. This lasted for a while until another obsession occurred. Then it seemed as if my SO OCD took a step back. I would have flare ups but they would seem to pass. Recently, I had a very bad night of constant compulsions and looking at pictures and imagining things to check myself. After that night it was very distressing, it affected me to the point where people around me began to notice and ask me if I was okay. One of the big reasons I was so upset was my girlfriend, we have been together for over 3 years and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I was thinking “Oh my god, if I am gay I can never be with her.” I would sit and cry about it thinking I would lose her and that might life would change because I was gay. I finally had enough and talked to her and my parents. We did some research and I was so shocked to find out that I had a form of OCD, it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders just knowing that other people have been where I am and that I’m not gay. However, I may have naively expected the compulsions and obsessive thoughts to go away now that I knew I had an actual problem. But I found that the compulsions and thoughts were still there and I was going to put some effort into getting better. I have researched and now know what to do when experiencing intrusive thoughts, yet I still have been performing the compulsions which is just feeding into the OCD. I find myself having intrusive thoughts and then start performing compulsions to see if they are true. What really bothers me is when I have an intrusive thought that tells me that I do like something. But when I think about it I have no desire to pursue those thoughts. However when I feed into the compulsions they just seem to feed into each other. It is like my OCD ignores all the things that I know I like and goes straight to panic mode. I am also trying to do ERP and am going to start doing my best to get better. Does anyone have any tips for not performing the compulsions no matter how anxious you are feeling and no matter how real the intrusive thoughts seem to feel?

There’s this one situation that I haven’t stopped thinking about from last night . So basically, I was reading 'The power of Now' which is a book that I love so much and really got me into spirituality. It’s been so helpful for my OCD and rumination but it’s also been pretty triggering for it as of late, so I’ve taken a long break from consistently reading it. The excerpt I read was about abundance and how its not about being bountiful, necessarily in material things but realizing and being grateful for the things that exist in your life now and in doing so, you will open yourself up to more good things. I understood it but I re-read it a lot because I didn't feel confident enough to explain it to someone else. but otherwise I LOVED IT. It made me feel so at peace, I agreed with it, and it gave me hope to start focusing on the good things in my life rather than the bad. So when I went to bed I rehearsed myself explaining it to someone on a podcast and then all these questions started flooding in like “why should I only focus on the good and aren't we supposed to accept the good and bad? Aren’t those the values of Buddha and spirituality” “Ya, we're supposed to accept the good and the bad but why?- so we can feel more good??? And isn't the point of OCD to not label things as good and bad? and why should I focus on the good- so I can feel good? why should I feel good? because I'm worthy of it? why am I worthy of it? because I'm a good person and do good things? well I’ve also done bad things so why shouldn't I consider that. I just don’t understand why I should feel good without it being selfish. And then this went on for like 2 or 3 hours. Like holy shit. I over explain these ideas and concepts that I resonate with to the point where they don't even make sense to me anymore. It becomes very existensial very quick. And I’m not suicidal but these questions make me feel hopeless in society for some reason?? And myself. Like if everything contradicts everything then what’s the point to life? If nothing can be understood or explained in a senseful way, then how do people move forward and make decisions, like AT ALL? There’s never a right or perfect answer and I feel like with any decision I make in regards, I’m doing a compulsion either way. If I don’t answer them, then I’m avoiding it and if I do then I’m checking and seeking reassurance. I’m sorry if this was way too long and over-explained I just need some advice or to know if anyone can relate in any way. Also, I’m sorry if some of those back-to-back questions were triggering.