My problem is ruminating. Before this onset of OCD I was an over thinker, over analyzer, basically everything in the book along those lines. With social anxiety to boot. The reason this is so bad is because I am an introvert not only that but I prefer to be alone, I thought I was asexual in middle school but I ended up liking a girl so I decided that didn’t make sense. But after she rejected me I had a crush on a girl my freshman year of high school but she was like levels above me so I just admired from afar, did the whole “find a pornstar that looks like her” thing that all weird high school boys do. I even remember the Actress I chose for her doppelgänger, Leah Gotti… lmao. Pretty inappropriate I know. But with that out the way I said before that ruminating is my problem. But with things like body dysmorphia that shares similar symptoms with OCD my ruminating helped me in the end. Since I’m new to this severe OCD game I don’t know how to control this. I have always been a deep thinker and I usually spend months on one certain topic be it how I can improve myself or an insecurity or a fear. Usually a logical explanation worked… but with how I am right now I fear I will take a step off a bridge in the future. It’s like my mind had turned on me, I can ruminate and be aware but that doesn’t take away the anxiety for long, it’s like it’ll target each and everything that can possible be perceived as gay in my mind which there are practically no ways that can prove I’m not but a million that can prove I am. I don’t think I’m in denial but even saying that makes me feel like I’m in denial. I’ve practically beat away every obstacle that it has thrown at me but I’m overwhelmed now. This is too much, I haven’t cried but I’m on the verge of tears because of this. I miss the person I was, I miss the confidence I had in my sexuality while I also miss my overthinking towards everything else besides this. So this is destroying me, my dreams, and my spirit. I’ll tell you nothing helps because I won’t let it subconsciously, I know I’m not gay, I hold off complete distress with my overly logical mindset. I don’t even know compulsions to natural instinct anymore. Im still attracted to girls but it’s like it’s locked behind a door, I know I don’t really fit under these terms like internalized homophobia and basically everything surrounding denial. But my mind obviously says otherwise. It seems everyday it throws something completely different at me. Like when this started it was mainly fear that I was just gay because no reason at all. I did research and made it worse, became fear of sexual attraction with having sexual intrusive thoughts, then I basically overcame that within a week or two, and then it targeted romantic attraction, because I researched again while I was in a state of minimal anxiety. After that I’ve been dealing with fear that these are urges and not intrusive thoughts, but now it’s weird because it’s like I’m not worried about romantic or sexual attraction, it’s just I’m hyper aware to the point of being ridiculous. So a week ago I started ruminating a lot with the lack of intrusive thoughts because I had basically loss all stress about sexual intrusive thoughts and they basically never came anymore. But I disguised my ruminating as mindfulness but it was just me ruminating in the end of the day. So the romantic attraction didn’t last long, it was way too far fetched. Soon I realized that I was doing a lot avoidance compulsions, walking into the back room at work to be away from people etc. but anyways that is still something I do. One thing though that just started today. Is my hyper awareness got waaaay worse. Before I would look at a dude and think that was a reason to say I was gay. But now if a dude is even in my peripheral vision that is also a reason. It’s so silly and when I really think about it I find it so ridiculous. But it seriously fucks with me man. Anyways with that I wanna ask what are some tips to stop ruminating?