This post is going to be kinda long so I don’t really expect anyone to read the whole thing. I just wanna get this out there because it’s very prevalent in my life right now. In the nicest way possible please don’t use this post as a preaching opportunity. I want there to be a god but I’m agnostic, and frankly becoming more atheist the more I get into science. Tied into all my other OCD fears (worrying about lifespan, never achieving goals, etc.) is this need to have a higher force watching over me, even in a world where there is no sure justice for those who do good. And no guarantees of life after death. Accepting the uncertainty that there’s even a possibility of some higher power seems like a stretch in itself. I feel like it’d be foolish to simply have hope; because those who know the most about our universe seem to believe that there isn’t anything out there. The way I understand things (and this is just my personal take, not the gospel truth or anything) is that we have evidence against the religions of the past, but no evidence FOR some higher force. If there’s even a possibility that there is some higher form of consciousness, who’s to say they care or know about us? And there’s no guarantee of an afterlife, or that whoever out there is able to make it happen for us. It just sucks especially because I’d been catholic all my childhood and always thought I’d be able to see my parents again after they die someday. And even now I’m still searching for hope and coming up with nothing. Even in my early twenties life is beginning to speed up and I don’t have that time buffer i once had as a child; where i could just hope that things will go right someday without having each day be faster than the last, and each year feel like a mere month. Death is on my mind, and I really really want to be a kid again. When i tell people this they say “don’t we all”…but when i say it i truly mean that i have this intense craving to be small again. Everything sucks right now and hope is quite scarce.