I am so hopeless. The thought of being a ped0 makes me so distressed. I don’t want my life to be ruined. I don’t want to be a disgusting person. I don’t want to lose myself or the people I love. I just want to go back to the way life was before. I’m crying so hard right now I don’t know what to do

And I’m not even diagnosed with ocd or pocd so that makes it so believable for me to actually be a ped0 and that makes me so scared

i'm sorry hun it's probably ocd, it'll all be ok. maybe expose yourself to some of the things you fear. like being around a kid or interacting with one can help. it helps you see there's nothing to fear and that's it's all in your head

While a diagnosis helps a ton, ocd just makes you doubt everything anyway. The best thing to do is to find a therapist and do erp. If you can’t find one or can’t afford one you can still do some of the techniques like not preforming compulsions and sitting with uncertainty , maybe, maybe not. I also reccomend joint the evening livestreams and free support groups on here, they can help a ton! You also listed some of your core fears with this theme, accepting the uncertainty about whether or not those core fears will come true is also something we do in therapy (yours are very common ones) hope this helps. The only true way to beat ocd is erp, it’s not something you can outthink or be reassured about. You can get your life back! Recovery is possible! There are times when my ocd and intrusive thoughts are almost non-existent.