I’m so done. I don’t know what’s real anymore

I can't live with OCD anymore. It's ruining my life. I feel like I'm being constantly bullied in my own mind all day everyday. I don't know if what I think and feel is ever real or normal or okay, what is me and what is the OCD thoughts. I don't know if any of my experiences are normal. I'm exhausted from picking apart every single conversation I ever have with anyone until I'm strung out by a vague and ambiguous feeling of guilt. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person and feeling scared all the time and not knowing why and having my brain spin me out on an endless spiralling train of thoughts that never goes anywhere and just makes me feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I don't know what I feel and if what I feel is normal or if anything I am doing is real and actually me or if I'm 'losing my mind.' I don't even know if this makes any sense. I get into these states of mind where every thought in my head and everything I feel and perceive makes me question my own sanity. I don't know if anyone likes me because I have absolutely no concept of what I am actually like. I feel completely lost and confused CONSTANTLY.

This situation just happened and I can definitely remember how it went but my brain is telling me otherwise and I know you guys said to sit with the uncertainty but what if the intrusive thought is so bad like disgusting, I can’t sit with that. Maybe it’s false memory but this just happened. I don’t even know how to live with this

I don’t even say I have OCD anymore because it feels like I’m lying. Maybe this isn’t about OCD anymore and is about accountability instead. Accountability for how twisted and sick I am. Sometimes I force myself to admit that it’s not OCD and that I’m just dark and twisted and need to protect the world from me. I mean god this feels too real to be OCD. Sometimes I look back at my memory and wonder if I did certain stuff on purpose and ask myself who could do stuff like this? Everyone says it’s OCD but it feels too real. I have a gut feeling that I’m a deviant psycho. I want to be gone.