I’m just too tired to fight the thoughts anymore. I feel too fatigued in life. Ocd is a real energy drainer.

Im tired of knowing that people have blocked me on NOCD for my pocd / real events ocd posts... Im tired of knowing that I have real events that are POCD related... Im tired of getting intrusive thoughts and false memories of the worst case scenario for my pocd and real events ocd being true... Im so tired of it all...

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

So over all of this. Why do periods have to make everything so much worse. I keep thinking that I can get over an intrusive thought and then the next one comes in. My brain tries to make be obsess over something that i've already obsessed about and moved on from. Wish this could be over.