I just wanna fantasize about being with a woman my age and above... not some dude or underage kid... I want to be with a woman my age and above and yet I barely have any experience apart from a girlfriend I had for a month before she left to be with someone else... I just want to be with a woman my age and above...

So, my main thing is that I've been worried about being attracted to and enjoying NSFW stuff of fictional characters. Specifically characters with unknown ages, possibilities of being a minor, an adult in high school, a character who ages up/becomes 18, and then young adult characters who are 18-25. I just wonder if it's pedophilic, creepy, morally wrong to like these characters? And if it'd be weird as I age to continue liking them in those ways or new characters? Like, some examples. I'm attracted to Mark from the show Invincible. But he's 17-19 in each season. I didn't like him in season 1, but when season 2 came out I realized I started feeling attracted to him. But I'm also afraid I will feel that attraction when seeing s1 of him at 17 and stuff. But anyways, I just worry that if I'm like 23+ if it'd be wrong to continue being sexually/romantically attracted to him and fantasizing about him since he's 18/19? Then, I like Genshin Impact and Honkai Star Rail characters. And most of them don't have canon ages. All you got is looks and maybe some in game context. Some characters have age ranges of like 15-20, 16-18, etc. Or are adults but people say they look like kids. And I am attracted to/like NSFW stuff of some characters like that. I worry that it's wrong to do so, since they could be underaged and might very likely be so? And there's also an anime I watch where a character is 18 but still in high school, and I am definitely attracted to him. I have also been attracted to, fantasized, liked nsfw content of characters who are at first minors but then become 18 or age up to much older. That worries me a lot too because I'm afraid I'll see the underage version (especially if they look more or less the same) and feel attracted or find something sexualizing them and like it/not know. I'm asking this about fictional characters from any media too. So like, video games, anime, manga, etc. I do worry a lot about video games, like more realistic ones. Because they're based off real face models. And voice actors and stuff. Like, I worry if I were older and still attracted to or liking nsfw stuff of a video game character who is like 18 or just turned 18, or has a young voice actor idk that it'd be creepy? I just don't know if it's pedophilic and weird, especially if I was like 21/22+ or way older than these characters and supposed age ranges and still liking them in these ways or being introduced to new characters in these scenarios and feeling sexual/romantic attraction and having fantasies or liking nsfw. Because I think about it in real life, and like, it would be weird to be attracted to/sexually fantasize about someone whose age you don't know, who could very likely be a minor, who is 18/19 but in high school, or you knew them as a teen/kid and watched them grow up, or once they turn 18 you sexualize them (because I have done that with fictional characters), or are just much younger than you in general, right?

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.