New thread guys!!

I started that too. By saying “I know I’d never do that” only makes it worse. But by not reacting and accepting the possibility then you start to see perspective

I know at the darkest of times it can be horrible. However, if I looked at myself 3 months ago, so much has changed. 3 months ago I didn’t know I had OCD, was asking for reassurance every day, going to the police, searching all my old devices to try and get certainty. Sorry Gareth I missed your previous message, that would make it a lot more difficult. I didn’t take that into consideration ? Sorry With everything we are desperate for certainty. Even if we got it, we wouldn’t believe it. Other people don’t need this certainty, that’s the difference When you let go of the need for certainty it begins to fade I think

I always feel much better at night. Not sure about you guys. Mornings have been a lot better recently though! Then nights get even better. Let’s keep improving!

Yeah it's strange alright, nights are generally better for me too. Yep day by day, leaving the old ways of coping behind.

Yep same here....nights seem better. But my mornings will soon too as I am going to fight this disorder. I will battle through now that I have you guys here!! Speak tomorrow night x

Hope you are okay Lewis. Sounds like you are having a bit of an anxious one today. I have felt anxious again but am trying so hard to not interact with the thoughts but it is so hard and they seem so bloody real atm!!

It’s got better, the busier you keep yourself and not engage the better you feel!

I know but finding it so flipping hard!! Is just want to feel well again!

Yes I always get over it Lewis but when I am in the middle of an obsession it feels so god damn real and that it will never go. I think I am extremely lonely as well at the moment and am not enjoying my life

It’s crazy how not paying attention to it makes it easier. I’m stuck in a bit of a cycle, I don’t ruminate, do well, there’s gaps in my mind where I feel ok...I feel it’s safe to go back and don’t realise I’m going back...then repeat :/ I don’t like it, but I accept I have it. Once you accept the thought you have False Memory OCD and that the memories are that it gets easier...still working on it! We promised until Sunday...then I forgot about Monday! Let’s promise not to ruminate for 24 hours then go from there...

Don't beat yourself up about it. I have done some compulsions today with having conversations in my head! It's weird as you don't even know you are doing a compulsion sometimes! Well I just get an image in my head and I think I am going to mention to my therapist tomorrow that I want to make myself have this image along with the anxiety and NOT go over what really happened to reassure myself this is just an image....if that makes sense!!

That was an odd thing for a therapist to say alright......Some therapists Just don't understand the illness . Anyone recommended by ocd uk will know their stuff.

Have a look at the interview first Lou. It helped me for sure. I'm glad I found you guys too, it's good to chat to people who really understand, how tough it is and we can support each other.

Lou, not that I would give this as positive advice. But this morning I just gave up on life. Accepted that it’s could be terrible, accepted it could have happened and well...**** it. By not caring anymore and just...giving up arguing. This stupid disorder starts to fade away. I feel better than I have in weeks today (can’t say for tomorrow). Not sure if this will help I’ve learned that the huge issue with OCD is we can’t accept uncertainty, even if the chance is very very unlikely. Like I could have accidentally hit someone with my car without knowing, it’s very unlikely but you can’t be 100% certain. And that’s what we crave about everything! When you just say, well it’s possible but whatever. I’m done caring. I started to see perspective today Hope you’s are ok

Hi guys, Lou, you can't make yourself stop caring, but you can stop yourself from interacting with the thoughts. Don't say I'm innocent, or I'm guilty, or I don't care , or it did or didn't happen. What you need to aim for, is saying nothing at all, when the thoughts happen. You need to feel anxiety or guilt, to learn how to stop, interacting with it. Every time it happens, it's an opportunity to try and refuse to do what the illness wants you to do.

You say, you keep arguing internally that you would have known what happened, and that's why it won't stop, because you're making it worse by trying to prove it wrong. I know it's so hard to do, but it will break down this obsession and eventually you won't believe it any more.

Thank you my lovely friends. I really don't know what I would do without you guys. I am out at the moment and the thoughts have been there all night and It is weird but it's like there is a blot on my life....It is this crappy thought! As usual I feel that once this thought has gone everything will be great!! Typical ocder thoughts!! I will be okay guys it just scares the crap out of me when I am out and think that all my friends are better than me xxxx

I know what you mean. I sometimes feel like I’m wearing ‘Bad person sunglasses’ so it stops me from really seeing or enjoying things. Hope you had a good night. I did, Star Wars etc etc haha.

Yeah I've had that quite often too and the real contradiction is, if we were bad people, we wouldn't care about these things that cause us such distress. Have a good day tomorrow guys?

Just stay determined Lou, do the opposite of what ocd wants you to do. Don't answer the what ifs, don't replay the memories, just tolerate the anxiety and it will ease.

Hey haha! Happy St Patrick’s day!

Thank you Garrett. You are right it's not the content. I am reading that book you suggested by Dr reid Wilson. I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I think because I am so down with everything I am catastrophising. I know it will get better but it is so hard. This week I am going to try so much harder. I won't read about it. The only thing I will do is come on here and speak to you guys. Thank you frkmnthe bottom of my heart x

Keep going! It will be worth it. My anxiety is a lot lower compared to last week How are we all?

Ok cheers Lou

That’s better haha

Yep indeed!! I am determined to beat this bloody OCD guys. I am going to do better tomorrow. It is a load of crap!! We are such lovely kind people and that is why we have this wicked disorder. Could you imagine an uncaring, unsympathetic person who happened to think nothing of telling lies, would get this disorder?!!! NO WAY!!! So that's how I'm going to look at it from now on!!!! We are truly wonderful kind people!!!! (By the way the uncaring person I was thinking of was my ex husband!!!! Lol!!) Speak soon x

What were your old methods of coping?? Out of curiosity

What are you guys best strategy for distraction? Like once you don’t pay attention to the thoughts, what do you do?

Well Lewis ,I try anything that keeps me busy, especially something that needs concentration. Otherwise, I listen to talk shows on the radio, music, read a bit. Yeah the thoughts and anxiety are in the background usually. Try not to be in the inner world too much but be in the present moment in the real world. If I've nothing else to do ,I'll try to think about things I'm interested in or projects I'm hoping to do. Chatting to people is good cause it forces you to be in the moment.

I wouldn’t say my anxiety is skyrocketing. But it just makes me want to go to the police and confess (to something I don’t know if I did or not). Which is stupid It involves a Facebook conversation over 2 years ago, I no longer have the account/messages. Can remember the email I think but deleted/locked myself out on purpose ? It was just a temp account This thing is just destroying my life!

I think real event ocd and false memory ocd thrive off each other. We all want certainty which in most things in life is not possible. What we're left with is probability. I find when stuck in an obsession I can't even determine probability, but, by refusing to engage I think clarity gradually returns. Odd as it seems, eventually we will see these things for what they really are.

Yeah I’ve realised that for my 20 other ‘false memories’ This one is just really destroying me. I remember some details, but I’d had a bit to drink. It’s POCD and I feel sick to think worse case scenarios. I remember small parts of the conversation (nothing bad) but don’t remember how it finished ? It’s always “was she underage?” “Did I ask something or do something?” I get stuck because I don’t pay attention to it, but then my mind goes into “well what happened then?” I know not paying attention to it is the only way. But it’s just so stupid!

Well any parent who ever came home drunk and can't really remember it, could ask themselves, could I have abused one of my children ? It's possible but so unlikely that we don't even consider it. I remember reading about a father who went to the police and confessed to abusing his child. He was evaluated and diagnosed with ocd. The illness magnifys our fears around things we feel strongly about and takes any shred of possibility and blows it up into us condemning ourselves.

Yeah I suppose so, I’m not even sure the police would look into it if I gave them all the details. Just snapping out of it and getting back on the horse. I just want to know it’s possible to be happy again and overcome this

Well I believe it is, we just have to keep going and I think that's the only way we'll find out.

It’s hard to get perspective. As I said, where I am now is completely different from where I was 2 months ago. I sometimes forget that Sorry for being negative, I’ll get back on it now! Let’s do it

Did you say you overcame it before??

I’m sorry to hear that :/ How did you recover? And how long does it usually take for you?

Well it usually starts to ease after about 2 or so months but this one has taken longer because I am very very low at the moment and am still coming to terms with losing my Mum. The only way to recover is to do what we have been doing and not ruminate over the thoughts. All of a sudden I will get a positive thought that seems to counteract the bad one and whenever the bad one tries to come in I think of this positive one but it isn't working atm! X

Yeah this one has stuck with me for 2 months :/ It’s the first time I have to deal with this. I’m just worried I’ll get arrested and be this bad person. At the same time I’d rather it be true just to put me out the misery of uncertainty (when I know it’s a stupid false memory). Makes me want to go to the police sometimes ?

That is a common fear and I think that too! I think I am an awful person for having the thought let alone believing it! I hate this disorder so much

Good plan, Lewis. Sorry to hear about your mom, Lou. I know when life is tough, it's harder to fight this illness.

Okay Lewis good plan. I have been looking at some videos on Katie d'ath and they seem to have helped. She talks about erp for pure o. Makes perfect sense. And yes it is weird how not paying attention to it makes it easier. It makes you see it rationally I suppose instead of through anxiety provoked eyes! X

What is ERP for our false memory stuff though? Is it exposing ourselves to the memory and not reacting? Or just not reacting in general I did a compulsion ? I was looking on BBC for similar ‘stories’ to see what the worst case scenario is. I don’t feel worse, but I know it wasn’t good because it didn’t really get me anywhere

Yeah I know what you mean Lou .I tried the imagery without compulsions for other lesser obsessions and found it pretty effective. I tried imaginal exposures,as in, saying the obsession with worst case scenarios for this one but found I kept adding to it like rumination so I gave it up.It was a kind of self help thing so I guess I was doing it wrong. Be good to know what a therapist thinks.

Hi Garrett. Well before my therapist has gone over this obsession with the worst case scenario but it is weird because I know that would never ever happen and the actual thing I am fearing is that I did it accidentally!! Sounds nuts I know! Perhaps I am fearing that because that could have possibly really happened........but in either case it would never ever have been on purpose so I really can't understand what my actual obsession is except that if it did happen I would want to profusely apologise!! This is the craziest obsession I have had! My mind is so mixed up at the moment and I am very down with many things. X

Yeah it's like that for me. Worry over what if something happened when I was unconscious, or semi conscious and my mind wiped it from my memory at the time. It's so strange when I type it out, it sounds ridiculous but in my head I still fear it.Mental illness is nuts?

Things will get better Lou, try to keep the chin up.

Omg exactly!!!!! At first I was obsessing how I was positioned when I know I did wake up after squashing my niece against the wall bless her.....but then about 4 weeks later it changed into a different obsession because I could remember how I was laying....It turned into the obsession what if my leg went ok her when I was asleep and my bits!! Like you say writing it out it is so bloody ridiculous but it just ties us up in knots!! I keep saying to myself that I would know if that happened as I would remember waking up like I did before.....It just gets into every little gap in your brain all the time x

It is so strange we have the exact same obsession though!!! I bet this one is a common one!!! It does make me feel much better though knowing we have!!! X

Yeah it must be fairly common considering how quickly we came across each other. Mine has switched between different obsessions over the same incident too. My obsessions started a year and a half after it happened. Till I started the what ifs ,it seemed like nothing. I was wearing shorts and t shirt but my fear was what if there was a groinal response. I know if there had been, I would have realised it at the time. (Sorry for the crude description, but just trying to explain it)

Oh don't apologise whatsoever......not crude at all....it's the illness. And before I even read down that far I just knew you were going to say about a groinal response......part of the crappy disorder. It is just sooooo absurd that we are such lovely kind people who worry over a what if question which has become absolutely massive in our own minds! No one else's at all...just our minds. We must keep saying to ourselves that we a good kind and compassionate people and that's why we suffer so much with these unwanted thoughts. I was worried because I only had my nightie on and no underwear.....at the time I had another obsession and I was adamant I was going to sleep dressed how I normally would be. It seems to want to haunt me now. I can remember my niece moaning I snored and went and stayed in her dad's bed the next night! At the time it was absolutely nothing and I think I can remember trying to.make this into an obsession to get rid of the other one as this was absolutely nothing to worry about whatsoever....if that makes sense at all?!

Thanks Lou. Yeah it makes complete sense, the way it switches between different obsessions around the same situation. It's true though, we are gentle souls and I suppose that leaves us vulnerable. Hope you've a good day tomorrow.

Hi Garrett and Lewis. How are you both today? I am changing my meds back to paroxetine now as I have had so much anxiety on Prozac. My anxiety is high today but I listened to my session with my therapist yesterday and it has made me realise that this is all just OCD and the mental health disorder. I felt sorry for myself listening to me try and explain it!! Oh and one for you Garrett......he said if you are unconscious can you do things with intent?! Of course Not! You are unconscious therefore there is never any intent! As we were picking my obsession to pieces I did wonder what I was worrying about actually! I would never ever do anything like this obsession is saying ON PURPOSE so what am I worrying about?! I am really really going to try and tell myself that it is the OCD and the anxiety is also a symptom of the OCD. How have you guys been? X

Well that's very true Lou, it does make you think.......In a good way,? Good to hear a few positives for you Lou. I'm doing pretty well today. Had to go for a six month check up yesterday( have had bladder cancer, on and off for years). Unfortunately I've a re occurance but I'ts no big deal they just laser em out and it's contained so don't need chemo or radiation. Just thought, well, not engaging with the ocd is the advice I've had and when I don't,I feel guilt and anxiety but it's worth trying it with determination, after all, if it doesn't work ,in six months we can go back to the old ways of dealing with it.........But I'm confident it will.

Sorry to hear you have traces of it again. At least you don't need chemo or radiation so that is great news! Just get that old laser on them and get them blasted! Well, my anxiety like I said is really high but I am going to try so hard again. Whenever I start to go down that route of what if this or that happened or what if it is true I need to push those thoughts into the OCD category. It is extremely hard to recognise some of the thoughts as OCD if I get into a conversation in my head though! I don't know if you do this but I think how my niece has reacted to me all of these years since this obsession.......it's like reassurance I suppose.......I remember her hugging me and coming into my bed to sleep again and not thinking anything of it. I suppose the evidence to prove it is OCD. Sorry shouldn't have asked.....that IS reassurance seeking!! I am so glad I can talk to you Garrett. I often think that if I ever found a man how on earth would I explain my OCD to them.....although I'm hoping I will have it well under control by then!! Do you tell your wife about your OCD? I used to tell my ex but he had no sympathy at all and just called it crap. It is crap but mental health isn't!! Xx

Well the way I try to recognise them is if I am thinking at all about the obsession , as you say for example how your niece has reacted to you since then, I would definitely feel that's reassurance. Basically any thoughts about the obsession that makes me think it's safe, I try my best to avoid, hard as that is. That's lousy, that your ex lacked any sympathy. I hope it's not out of line to say, but it sounds like you're lucky to be rid of him, Lou. My wife has known I have problems with my thoughts since before we were married. When I was finally diagnosed I told her it was ocd and gave her a basic explanation of it. I've never told her the content or detail of any of the obsessions or thoughts and she never asks, to be honest.

That's a good way to look at it....any thought about the obsession that makes me think it's safe......I will try that! And label those as OCD!! Well you are very lucky that you have such an understanding wife. And yes I am very very lucky to be rid of him! I was unhappy for many many years and he is a functioning alcoholic. My son who was 11 at the time told me his father was going to leave me for a mutual friend of ours! She is a drinker too. I was so glad as I wanted out for many years but would not leave because of my son and I didn't want to split his family up. And this all happened just after I had lost my step dad, friend and uncle and my Mum was battling cancer. Nice guy eh?!! And he wonders why I don't like speaking to him! If I had had an apology even it may have helped!! Anyway, I used to tell my Mum and him my obsessions and my Mum was so understanding but he was just crap. That's why I find it hard atm as I no.longer have my beautiful Mum to confide in anymore. I am one of these people who has to 'confess' to my obsessions!!!!! I can't abide liars and feel I have to be upfront with everyone!!

I suppose what I really mean is, I think any thoughts, good or bad, about the obsession, I see as a mistake and put them all into the ocd category Lou. At least that's what I try to do. I'm really glad I can talk about all this, to you too.

Yes I see what you mean. I am going to really focus now and sit through the anxiety. Tough as it is. And yes it is brilliant we can both talk about this horrible disorder. Even when I am replying the OCD says to me is it really OCD?!! Or are you just pretending! It never stops for one minute!!!!!!! Xx

Hey both, I’m not doing so well today. I feel so lost, I don’t know which advice to take. I’m in tears, feel like it’s hopeless.

Oh Lewis bless you sweetheart. You were doing really well and you still are...this is just a down day. I was like that yesterday and have been full of anxiety today. This disorder has a lot to answer for. I wish I could give you a big hug xxxxxx

Yes. I have had my therapist on and off for over 10 years. We did erp yesterday actually. I had to tell him exactly what my obsession was. My anxiety was massive! My obsession is a little bit different as it is telling me what if I did something by accident?! I know I haven't but there you go! We went through everything and I was exhausted afterwards. I record my sessions so I can listen to them afterwards which is helpful. I listened to it again today and it made me realise that I am not very well at all at the moment. It also made me realise how God damn silly it really is. With your erp I would suspect it will be different. It is very anxiety provoking and they will or should suggest grounding techniques before you start. Don't give up please. I have felt like that the last week or so but we are doing very well. We are here to support each other. If you want my number I can give it to you then delete it off here quickly!!! Lol!! X

Would you say ERP and CBT will be able to help me? Thank you for your reply. At the moment I’d prefer to keep on app please. Sorry! But today I lost mostly all hope

Of course I understand that. No worries. Yes it will help you I promise. It is very hard and you have to sit with the overwhelming anxiety but you can do it xx

If I have guidance and know what I’m doing will work then I can sit through anxiety. I’ve just changed therapist. My current one didn’t seem to really know how to treat OCD (I’m not sure, but she gave reassurance. I said “My OCD keeps telling me to go to the police” and she said “if that will help you then you should?”. That’s when I realised. This Therapist is recommended on a CBT database by OCD UK and will be doing CBT/ERP. I just wake up in pain every day. :/

Yeah I agree with Lou, it will help you Lewis . All these obsessions are beatable. Problem is, we often believe they arent. Don't forget the real problem, is not the content of the obsession,but the anxiety. We all feel hopeless at times, but we will recover.

Oh my goodness.....that therapist has absolutely NO idea about OCD. It makes me so mad because people say they know about it but they don't. Don't get disheartened though....It took me until my third or fourth therapist to find the right one. It sounds like the new one will know what to do. My therapist never gives me reassurance and is so very careful in what he says to me. I will help you as much as I can and support you with your work with your therapist. You can do this xx

Garrett is sooooo right.....it's not the thought it is the anxiety that comes with it and makes it feel so real. My obsession has changed slightly over a few weeks......I was managing to see the original fear for what it was then it morphed into a slightly slightly different what if. We are all seeing these thoughts through an anxious mind....That's why we are scared shitless ....... well I tell people my obsessions they are like....and.....so.....they see it rationally unlike us! Xx

How about we try and practice tomorrow putting these thoughts into the OCD category? Whenever we get the anxiety and question or what if or it's 'real' and not OCD....... or the image....let's try and practice saying it is the OCD and nothing to do with us. It is just the amygdala malfunctioning and giving us this disorder? I know our anxiety will shoot through the roof but let's try and sit through it? What do you say guys? Xx

Some people are saying accept the uncertainty and expose yourself to it. That’s basically what ERP is? This new therapist will have an actual structure and goals for ERP. Then as you expose yourself to it more you don’t feel anxiety as high. Is that how it works? Haha Thank you for the support guys.

Yeah that's basically it Lewis, the idea being that a sense of proportion comes back into it and we see these things in a more realistic way.

Let’s hope it helps! I am just absorbing anxiety like a sponge today. Don’t care anymore, just taking it

It will Lewis. Keep going no matter how much guilt and anxiety you feel, don't try to check your memories or solve it with logic, and if you do start, stop yourself as soon as you realise it. I remember reading, treat yourself like you deserve peace of mind first , even when you dont and your feelings and emotions will follow. Takes time, but worth the risk, to feel happy again long-term.

I mean "even when you don't feel like you deserve it"

Has these been working for you? To an extent? Just sitting with the anxiety feels like the right thing to do (without ruminating). At least until next week with CBT/ERP.

It has,but it's hard sticking to it, though it's getting easier

Hi guys. I've had a bad day today. Listened to my last session but it wouldn't go into my head. I can't explain what I am really obsessing about except that what if i put my leg over my niece when I was asleep and then the what ifs my bit touched her leg.....I know this would never be done intentionally and I know it was never done as I know I would remember but the OCD is really causing me such anxiety over this thought and the follow on thoughts that what if i am a 'P'. I just can't seem to get past this thought. I haven't got the image as much this week since my therapy session just this thought now. I am sure when other people sleep with kids they may have put their leg over them in the night....why am I worrying so god damn much........just because I only had my nightie on and no underwear that's why I suppose. I just can't get this thought out of my head. I know this one doesn't seem at all important to you guys but it's driving me crazy and my anxiety is awful. I just want this to go now. Xx

I’m sorry to hear that. I know you keep trying to reassure yourself in your head. It’s so hard not to. I feel like I’ve almost given up today. Like...I feel like I’m just accepting that I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life. Just going around like nothing matters. Just one of them days ? It’s hell, but I guess it’s our home haha

Sorry you are feeling low today Lewis as well. I am just fed up of starting to be able to see it as OCD then the next minute completely and utterly doubt it again and have these reassuring conversations in me head. I have done a compulsion today as well. I keep thinking it will never go but looking back into much much worse obsessions I have had I know that these have gone and at that moment I had those ones u thought exactly the same that it would never go. Once our minds are thinking more rationally and arenless anxious we will see it for what it is. A very very cruel mentalhealth disorder. I am joining OCD action therapy session this evening at 7pm. They call you and you have a group session. It is free. Perhaps you should try it too? Xx

Hmmm, I’m busy tonight. Got some medium/spiritual thing where they talk to ghosts haha! It’s very disappointing, at night I put my head on the pillow and things are ok. I guess because the brain is tired. I think I get anxious because of the fear of never getting better, and that becomes an obsession in itself I hope the session goes well for you, let me know how it goes!

Talking to ghosts sounds like an interesting evening☺️. The group therapy sounds good Lou. I have been to a few that's organised in the local hospital and found it really good. I know what you mean ,when you feel good and see it as I've and the next minute you doubt it, but that's really the moment to refuse the reassuring conversations ,hard as it is. It's in the moments of doubt we have to be strong and NOT tell ourselves it's ok. I know you guys know that, and I"'m not trying to preach. The guilt I have felt in my darkest days, also told me I was a P. and it's as bad as feeling I could have killed somebody. Going over the scenario , at this point, thousands of times and coming up with a mantra to make me feel safe never lasted long and the obsession always found a way of coming back.

So not engaging with it, especially when the doubts are strong, is the only thing that really works for me. Gradually the doubt happens less and less and without reviewing it, I just have a sense most of the time, that there is nothing to worry about. Today was a good day because I managed to stick to that.

Glad you had a good day Garrett. Yes I need to refuse the reassuring conversations. It is so hard.....I just can't get over what a daft obsession this is but it has me entrenched. The group was good thanks. Nice to actually talk to others in the same boat. I.listened to one of my first therapy sessions tonight and then the last one......the obsession has morphed and changed! Typical OCD......reassuring myself again there ! Xx

Have you guys had a look at "ocd stories" on u tube. There's some interesting interviews there. I know it's desperately hard Lou, it's such an awful illness, we deserve better.

No ghosts came to speak to me ? The Mantra is a short term thing. I thought it would help in the long term, but realised it is reassurance. At the moment I’ve literally just given up. I’m almost content with the constant feeling of anxiety and fear. I just kinda accepted it for the last 2 days. It’s a Strange sensation! I’m sure you’ve been through the same. I’ll take a look later :)

Yeah I found even saying to myself " It's just ocd" just started a new obsession. How do I know it's ocd? Etc. So that's exactly what I did too Lewis. Just gave up trying to rationalise it and live with the almost constant background anxiety. Definitely gets easier, as the days go by. It's worth the risk, as after so long I know there's no resolving it with thought.

Yeah, it was a compulsion to say it like a mantra. Ironic isn’t it? ? The best way to deal with it is to basically give up. The thoughts come in, just get to a point where I think. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. What’s the point haha

Yeah it's ironic alright. I think we will reach a point where we just don't believe it anymore. Spent my whole life, trying to disprove obsessions, by thinking about them, not realising I was making myself worse. Now trying to focus on targeting the illness , not the content of the obsession.

You are right Garrett. I've had a few bad days tbh. I have been reading a lot about OCD and going over my sessions which I think has made it worse. I just have to have the switch in my brain switched off!! X

I wish I had a standby mode myself?. Yeah I know what your saying, I read a few books about it and sometimes the advice is suspect but generally most seem to agree the key is to stop the compulsions to recover. And obviously with pure o the endless analysing and just constantly thinking about it , is adding fuel to the fire.

By the way, best book I read about it is Pure by Rose Bretcher. Not so much for solutions but it really nails pure o. It's a good read though.

I think that was a series over here on channel 4! I watched some of it but it was a bit strange!! Spoke to my therapist today again. I told him now that I am a bit frightened as the OCD might be morphing again as to not when I was asleep but if ibwas awake now!! He rolled his eyes! Just means it is trying all sorts to get to me. My anxiety is through the roof today and I am trying to sit with it today without having any thoughts to reassure myself. Any tips? X

Yeah Lou mine did the same,a good while back, it just gets deeper and deeper and then the more you think about it ,it starts to change fears into false memories. Please try your best not to interact with the thoughts,because trust me, it'll just keep getting worse Lou. Don't even say they're not true, just let them come and go.

Ok garrett. I will take your advice. I won't let this get any deeper into my brain. I promise you I will try my hardest this weekend and let you know how it is going. It is going to be bloody hard but I have to sit with the anxiety and the so called reality of the thoughts. Any tips for when my anxiety gets really high ? Thank you so much btw xx

It was exactly the same for me ,I just kept replaying the memories over and over to be sure it wasn't true and gradually I created an alternative memory and then couldn't really see which was the real one. Just don't go down that route Lou.

When it gets high I sometimes say,(and this sound odd) but I read it somewhere and I find it helps, actually welcome the anxiety and say "great I want to feel more anxiety, keep it coming" and let it wash over me. Because when you do that you kind of feel like you're winning, when you resist reassuring yourself. I know it sounds weird but I find it a useful tip.

Actually there's a really good interview with Dr.Reid Wilson on ocd stories on u tube you should take a look at. I read that suggestion in his book "Stopping the noise in your head". It does sound counter intuitive, but I found it helps.

Ok I am going to do that and say come on to the anxiety. And I'll take a look at the OCD stories too. Thank you!!!!! I am so glad I found you and Lewis on here!!!! Xx

Lewis! I am so glad you started to see perspective today! I have slightly tonight as the obsession is trying to say something else now and I am ignoring it! The distressing image I had been having hasn't come in this week either. I am going to sit with the anxiety and say so what?! Xx

I’ve also learned, getting our hopes up is setting up for failure. We overanalyse our recovery, as soon as it starts to drop we think “Why?! What? How?! They sink into hopelessness again” haha

But nice! Keep it going. I try not to let perspective in too much. Just get on with it and don’t over analyse the situation

I will try my hardest this weekend. Shall we promise each other again butnjist say who cares and see where that gets us?! Xx

Yes, let’s just accept everything. Don’t argue, just accept all the ****. Sunday night again? ? the weeks gone fast

Yeah ,leave the questions unanswered.Have a good day tomorrow guys,?

Hi guys. I haven't done very well today I'm afraid. Didn't have much to do and listened about OCD and my sessions. I can't stand this much longer. When will it become clear that this is the OCD and not real? The Thing is even if it was real it wouldn't be a bad thing but it isn't true that's for sure but my brain won't stop going over if i put my leg on my niece in the night and my private touched her. I keep arguing internally that I would most definitely knowing This happened. I was worried at first about how I did actually wake up in the night but can remember that now it has morphed into when I was asleep did this happen (and so what if it did as it would be unintentional) This thought would never happen intentionally as it is the last thing I would ever ever do but it is getting to.me so much. I have to keep going over how I felt the next day all those years ago knowing that I had nothing to worry about. This is just crazy and so am I. I am going out tonight but really just want to curl up in bed xx

xxsorry guys just sick and tired of it and had enough. How do I stop caring?

Hey Lou, I’m sorry to hear that. I think because you are so desperate to get over it and just want it to disappear (I don’t blame you) you overthink about that. I did it too I just gave up caring as much one day, I literally just sat with it. I don’t care, lost all will to fight, in doing that fear was reduced. Lou are you sure your psychiatrist is registered for proper CBT and ERP?

Well he knows a lot about OCD and erp but not a lot about act. Are you seeing one recommended from ocd action? I.might go down that route. It costs me £75 a turn to see him x

I’ve just changed, haven’t been with this new one yet. But my old one didn’t know much about it, felt like they were just winging it. Spent so long just talking about my relationship and childhood... Yeah, OCD Action sent me this list of official CBT registered people: http://www.cbtregisteruk.com/Default.aspx

Mine was a registered CBT therapist with the nhs but then went private so he is a proper one. He knows so much about OCD. I am just having trouble at the moment as I am so down. This obsession is so ridiculous like all of them have been. Once I get over this one I will realise! X

As long as he is good, I wasn’t disrespecting him. Just want to make sure you got the right one. Look at this checklist and just see that he is doing the right things: https://www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-info/have-i-had-cbt-my-ocd

Yeah but I think Lewis when it's someone you love, accepting the possibility is too difficult but not trying to prove it or disprove it is possible. How was your day Lewis ?

I will try! Just getting so p*ssed off with this now. In the past I know when I have let it be then the thought doesn't seem so real and I get excited that it is 'just' the OCD . And this thought at the moment I mean. Why the hell does it come in and scare us so much? I just want this to disappear now. I am not sure what more my therapist can do for me. I need to get out of this depression and I am sure that will help. I am going on holiday in April and I am praying it will chill me out and let me see this for what it is. It has got humongous in my mind after 2 months and seems so real whereas for 5years I never even thought about it. Mate this disorder so much. Xx

Hey guys, happy St. Patrick's Day from the Emerald Isle. Hope you're doing ok.

And to you! Not had a great day unfortunately. Finding it so very very hard x

I know it’s hard when all days seem bad and there’s no hope. You know it does get better. I think at some point you get pushed to the edge and you kinda give up fighting

That's how I feel Lewis. I just don't feel like myself anymore. I don't find joy in anything and am always thinking I am such a bad person compared to others. I continually wonder if other people have slept in a child's bed with them with just a nightie on and no underwear! I know my obsession must seem mad to you but to me it is devastating and just won't leave me alone. I have been listening to ali greymond today. I know what I have to do and ignore the thoughts but I am terrified. X

Sweetheart, Lou, I Don's know you long, but I know you're a kind gentle person. You're having a bad time but I truly have been there .

Please stop replaying it in your mind. The content is not the issue, it's the ocd.

Hi guys. How are you today? I saw my therapist today and I nowhave a recording of my fear which I have to.listen to at least 5 times a day. I have been doing that today.....fingers crossed.....when I get the anxiety I thinking the recording or listen to it. It is starting to sound ridiculous already!! Xx

Yeah I'm doing ok Lou. That sounds like a good strategy. Most people find ERP very helpful. Remember not to reassure !!

Make sure you don’t listen to it for reassurance though. Like too many times it can become a compulsion maybe?

I won't reassure guys. I listened to it whilst out for a run and I am starting to learn like you all day it is not the content but the interpretation we give to it! I'll start a new thread tonight as this one is getting Long! Xx

That's great Lou, good luck today,?

Thanks Garrett. I have listened to it again and my anxiety is really high but I know it will go down after a day or so x

Yeah I find week by week, it's a lot better. I still get moments of worry about it, but they're very short and it just feels like an awareness,most of the time there's nothing to worry about. Without needing to replay it in my mind.

Yeah keep going Lou. It'll get easier as the days go on.

Thanks guys. I so appreciate your help and encouragement. I have anxiety but I am not replaying any of the OCD thoughts in my head. Is very hard but it will be worth it....btw I'll start a new thread now x

Garrett, I still find sometimes I replay it in my mind. What do you feel when you think back to it? My anxiety is a lot lower, but I sometimes still ruminate a lot. Without all the anxiety I’ve only been feeling ‘better’ for like 4/5 days. You find it keeps getting better every week?

Lewis......after a few days is the danger point......you might try and go backover it again to make sure it isn't true....Don't fall into that trap like I did. Each day will feel slightly better. I am so glad I have my recording even though my anxiety is really high. It is coming down without me having to reassure myself as much and over the next week I am hoping it will ease even more. It is so very hard when it still feels real but we have to push through that to get the certainty! Weird as that sounds! I started a new thread by the way! X

Yeah I know :/ My anxiety is lower overall. I kinda just remind myself that I don’t need certainty. I just know a brief conversation happened, so I keep trying to think what it was. But I know that won’t do any good ?

Keep going! You’re doing well, we got this. I’ll reply on the other one next time

Just put it down to OCD Lewis. You got this x

I think I’m just training myself to let go of everything I fear to lose. Sitting with the uncertainty of that too. And the fear of it never getting better. Accepting these things helps

Oh trust me every time I get an obsession I get the fear that firstly it is different from last time and not OCD and secondly this one will never go! When I look back at my much worse obsessions than this current one I then realise it is the illness. When this daft one goes I will wonder what the hell I was going on about! It is a horrible disorder but trust me I only get onsets when I am very down and or stressed. The rest of my life is pretty normal and I am a good laugh. That's how people know I have it as I am so quiet and not outgoing. I cherish every moment when I am well xx

Ugh, yesterday I had read something on Facebook about ‘this’. Now I just feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I know accepting the uncertainty makes it better, but it’s so hard

I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this. I may have to accept that The thing that throws me off is that I had a bit to drink the night I am worried about. So it makes me doubt it even more. Feel like I’m going to live like a criminal forever

Lewis it is your illness my love nothing else. A lot of my past obsessions involved alcohol and I was petrified and had blanks where The OCD lived to fill in the gaps. I remember one particular one I was so scared.....i thought I was such an evil person...but eventually that one went too...Just like that others....It is a terrible illness but try and be strong and fight it. Why not do some erp and write down the thought or record It? It has really helped me thus week. I am no longer misfiring fear from my brain and It is becoming clearer. Keep going my love. You are not alone xx

Yeah Lewis, a few of my past obsessions were around alcohol too. The alcohol clouds the memory, which makes it perfect for ocd to latch onto. Being uncertain does not make you guilty of something,taking the anxiety and not checking will gradually give you a more realistic view. You will have ups and downs as the days go on. It's the downs when you really need to be determined. I know what I'm saying is obvious, but it is true. Keep going Lewis.

Oh yeah Lewis, Lou started a new thread for us yesterday.

Thank you both, do you think distraction helps in the long term? Or is it a short term fix? I find myself Ruminating sometimes but with lower anxiety, if that makes sense?

If you reply to that on this, I’ll reply to you on the other one haha