hey all, i’m gonna rant... it’s been a tough few days (psssht. even weeks). recently, my ocd has been attacking my relationship.. but has it really? that’s the problem i’m having. no relationship is perfect, i understand that. my relationship has had MANY ups and downs. and it’s just really difficult. it also doesn’t help that we’re long distance & i have intense fear of abandonment (due to my mother leaving me at an awkward time of my life) and attachment issues. ocd is such a confusing and debilitating disorder. i’ve recently started taking Zoloft, only for about 7 days and i feel too tired to do my usual mental compulsions. sometimes i realize that and i feel okay, other times i freak out that i can’t do the compulsions. my ocd has made me think me and my boyfriend should break up for many reasons, such as he deserves better and i deserve no love or a relationship with him. we’ve hurt eachother, but my brain likes to think i’ve hurt him more.. and i probably have. but when i think of this i just feel like a complete monster. not to mention i’ve felt really detached (& numb towards) from my relationship and i feel like i don’t recognize him, or us as a couple,.. sometimes i feel like i can’t recognize our good memories… just the bad ones. and when i’m around him (on facetime or in person when we have the chance) i just feel awkward as if i’m faking my love for/ attraction to him. and that really scares me. because then my mind digs through the past and shows me how i’ve treated him and makes me think i’ve never loved him and was never attracted to him and that i’ve just treated him so terribly. i was very toxic and neglected (his emotional needs) in the middle/ early stages of our relationship. anytime he’d ask for advice or reassurance, i’d brush him off and get upset and i didn’t even notice. then i would play my game with people online and act happy and then treat him like he was less. so are these feelings really an act of ocd? and i’m really a terrible person? we’ve been dating since halloween of last year and i moved in early december, then his mom passed away in february. so we’ve had a lot of stressors put on us. and i just feel like such a bad person. i start school back up in a week and i’m scared that i’ll forget about him and all of our memories and start to like someone new. i DONT want that to happen. but i cant avoid school. so if anyone has some advice, i’d like to stay away from breaking up or taking breaks. i know and am aware it’s more than likely ocd, but i’m doubting it’s ocd and that’s where most of the panic comes from.. i’ve felt incredibly stressed out and i just want to come to terms on what’s happening. i’ve posted a few little things but i thought i post the whole sha bang. so, to anyone who has insight or any advice whatsoever, thank you for taking the time to help out a fellow distraught human. (also please don’t think i’m a terrible person :( ) ❤️