I really want to enjoy my night out but I feel myself beginning to get triggers and I don’t want to give in and begin to ruminate. Ugh.

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

I ruminated too much this morning and got distressing mental images (and confirmation) which sent me spiraling again. How do I stop thinking about this and how do I get back to myself? I feel destroyed.

I dont want my relapse to stop me to assist, I will go but I am sad because I don't want a beautiful moment to became horrible because the fear and dicomfort I am feelling this days. It will be a good exposure but how can I enjoy it? The depression came back, I wasn't prepared for this, like I knew OCD is chronic but I forgot it hahaha Right now I am trying just to think in short times like, 24 h and it is helping a bit Update: The day was really good !