I’m NOT asking for reassurance... I’m just venting here... It was making me feel like I wasn’t attracted to women my age and above... I hate this so much... I just want to be with a woman my age and above but sadly my lack of confidence in myself and my looks, plus this HOCD and POCD make it so that it feels impossible... I just want to love a woman my age and above and tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am she popped into my life... I want to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me and how much I care about her in my own way... to be able to hug her and tell her She’ll never be alone... l am awake in the late night as I type all of this out... I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the past masturbation to loli hentai and other explicit fanfics and porn comics with young cartoon characters (ex. Marge and Lisa, and I loved marge, the older woman) occasionally when I was younger. (Couple of times when I was 13-14, then occasionally when I just turned 17 till I was in the middle of being 18...) me being a minor at the time, i didn’t know what the content was nor did I realize how horrible the content represented, and while I skipped most of the videos and comics, since some comics and videos had over millions of views, and due to them being on public websites, I had believed that they were both was safe to consume... I stopped two years ago, and l'm 20 now and always loved adult women and wanted to be with a woman around my age range. I had a massive crush on a girl that was my age... I’ve never had any attractions to kids whatsoever and I never want to do anything with kids ever... but 6 months ago, I started getting intrusive memories of doing it in the past and l immensely regretted it and felt panicked and disgusted about it because now I know what a pedo actually is. I didn’t know how illegal or how wrong it was till I did research... I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I'm worthless. I'm a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all... god help me... It feels so real now... making me feel like I’m in denial constantly and I hate my life...

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.