Date posted: 4y

I’m NOT asking for reassurance... I’m just venting here... It was making me feel like I wasn’t attracted to women my age and above... I hate this so much... I just want to be with a woman my age and above but sadly my lack of confidence in myself and my looks, plus this HOCD and POCD make it so that it feels impossible... I just want to love a woman my age and above and tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am she popped into my life... I want to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me and how much I care about her in my own way... to be able to hug her and tell her She’ll never be alone... l am awake in the late night as I type all of this out... I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the past masturbation to loli hentai and other explicit fanfics and porn comics with young cartoon characters (ex. Marge and Lisa, and I loved marge, the older woman) occasionally when I was younger. (Couple of times when I was 13-14, then occasionally when I just turned 17 till I was in the middle of being 18...) me being a minor at the time, i didn’t know what the content was nor did I realize how horrible the content represented, and while I skipped most of the videos and comics, since some comics and videos had over millions of views, and due to them being on public websites, I had believed that they were both was safe to consume... I stopped two years ago, and l'm 20 now and always loved adult women and wanted to be with a woman around my age range. I had a massive crush on a girl that was my age... I’ve never had any attractions to kids whatsoever and I never want to do anything with kids ever... but 6 months ago, I started getting intrusive memories of doing it in the past and l immensely regretted it and felt panicked and disgusted about it because now I know what a pedo actually is. I didn’t know how illegal or how wrong it was till I did research... I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I'm worthless. I'm a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all... god help me... It feels so real now... making me feel like I’m in denial constantly and I hate my life...

9jewels

Date posted: 4y

I understand. Living with it is harder than it should be

745

Date posted: 4y

I don’t ever wanna be a pedo... I just want to be with women my age and above and that’s all I want... the last thing in the world is to even THINK about being attracted to kids in any way.,. I don’t ever want to be a pedo...

pruni

Date posted: 4y

first I would say don't use hurtful words on yourself as it makes you feel worse. but remeber guilt is useless, people change and things in the past are done and done. you clearly have changed and were just unaware of the had things about what you watched, I know so many people that watch loli at the age of 16 I know you said 18 but still you were basically a kid. your brain is never done developing and everyone, EVERYONE makes mistakes. guilt is holding you back and clearly you are different, you a are a new person not who you were before. attraction is uncontrollable and you meant no harm.

745

Date posted: 4y

I don’t want to be attracted to kids in any way shape or form... I don’t ever wanna think about doing anything to kids let alone actually do them... I don’t ever wanna be a pedo.... I just wanna love women my age and above and all I want in my life is to love women my age and above...

pruni

Date posted: 4y

@POCD/RealEventOCD pedophiles don't spend there life worrying about being attracted to children, allow the thoughts to come in and I hope you will recover soon

745

Date posted: 4y

@pruni When I think about adult women, I feel calm and relaxed and I feel happy overall... when I get intrusive HOCD and POCD thoughts, I get nervous, I occasionally puke and gag, and I hate the thoughts in general so I try to get rid of them...

pruni

Date posted: 4y

@POCD/RealEventOCD that's the thing you can't get rid of intrusive thoughts. that's why letting them come in and learning to live with them will over time diminish the amount you get.

745

Date posted: 4y

@pruni I’m getting intrusive thoughts of being a child m*****ter when that’s the last thing I want to be...

pruni

Date posted: 4y

@POCD/RealEventOCD child molesters don't worry about being child molesters

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