Everyday I grieve the loss of who I used to be

Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.

Just feeling down. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and sad about trauma I went through, also about mistakes I’ve made. I just feel so sad and I want to cry. I just want to talk to God so bad.. or my younger self. I have so many questions:( .. I don’t want to victimize myself, but it hurts. Nobody talks about how gross and disgusting you feel after going through seggsual trauma as a kid, and how it messes up your brain sortve .. I will make something of myself no matter what. I think I will just light some sage and rest.. this isn’t the end. I love this world, it’s such a blessing to be here. No matter the good or bad.. I just need to keep that in mind

For the second time. I did really well last year. My mom and my cousins were there with me and the ceremony was beautiful, but I feel like I wasn't able to enjoy it fully :( I'm scared I might never enjoy anything ever again. My family keeps congratulating me, but I feel like I don't deserve it. Sometimes, I truly feel like a monster. I feel like I'm mourning my life from before all this happened.