some days i wake up and just immediately want to go back to sleep bc i’m hit by several triggers in the first 20 mins of being on my phone. i hate the pocd / hocd compulsions of glancing / having the urge to glance at private areas to check your feelings & whatnot. the fact that i even want to do the compulsion makes me feel like a terrible & disgusting person. of course, i never get the response or feeling i hoped for after doing it anyway. it’s such a vicious cycle. i feel like i can’t get up and do what i want to do today. i feel like i shouldn’t be allowed to be happy.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

When I woke up today I got intense feelings of arousal and urges to masturbate and thoughts of this 12 year old kid I’ve seen irl started popping up, idk why it all happened, I can’t tell if I liked it or not. Or if I wanted it or not.

I've been good for a long while but I'm feeling very down and depressed, tired of dealing with all of this. I've been researching things and trying to treat them as exposures, and I'm doing okay but it just feels horrible. Researching things about pedophiles, sexual disorders and dysfunction, appropriate and innapopriate sexual fantasies, etc. I hate all of it. I just wish I could feel okay, go back in time and change all the things I've done, I wish I could just understand why I have to deal with this.