[Trigger for sexual orientation ocd/hocd] --- Man i hate this so much i hate that my brain is so convinced that im not a gay man. I wouldn't even know the first thing to say about what i find attractive in a woman. Yeah uh her boobs are so. Boobs. They exist. Yeah she has really sexy uh...i dont even know. Yes women in suits sure do wear suits. When i look at a man i can say wow i love how his chest looks i love his back between his shoulders and how his waist tapers. All these things but my brain keeps telling me im wrong It keeps telling me to try and test and check and that one day ill "unlock the secret" I know ive posted a lot here today but im just so frustrated. I wanna keep pushing with my exposures and cbt but its so frustrating especially when so many people are like "well just accept it youre probably bisexual" but I know for a fact my body and heart only respond to one despite what my brain tells me. I swear I knew the difference that attraction =/= attractive before this clocked me so hard but i spend so much of my time with this now im so exhausted and fed up and beyond annoyed. I already know who i am brain just let me be in peace please!!!

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

My mind keeps jumping to conclusions that I’m in denial and i have to come out , crazy how a thought went from “what if I’m gay” to “what if I’ve always been” to “you’re bi” to “you’re gsy” to full on statements and conclusions, like coming out and being in denial , as homophobic as this sounds everytime i see something gay i get an ick im not disgusted, very slightly, i was never like this, now I’m contemplating if i ever even liked women when i know i have before. I have nothing against gay people but i just don’t wanna be gay , saying that makes me feel uneasy which makes me more confused. Idk what I’ve become at this point .Now I’m doubting every life decision I’ve taken and gosh i wish me and my ex lasted, i was happy, even when we fought i remember telling myself we’re gonna get through this we’ll be fine, here i am doubting everything, at the same time wishing me and her lasted, regretting how i treated her, then the ocd part uses the fact that i went soft a few times with her and lost all interest in women after the break up against me, and then its basically convincing me to say that i am gay, none of these adds up . My brain keeps showing me images of being with men and happy about it and i don’t want that, i don’t think i ever did, then it’s like oh movies and tv shows have influenced you to think you should be with women , and then I’m here like if that was the case I’d feel uncomfortable and feel out of place , I’ve never felt that, i felt good with women and all as long as she was clean didn’t smell ofc but yeah now I’m so fucking lost.