- Username
- Gfaux
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I feel man
You’re post is relatable
You gotta hold on to the truth. The more get emotionally involved in the intrusion the more it’ll pop up
Oh i did the same thing!! I found myself getting groinals over a SOUP CAN. while i do love me a good chowder, and some friends would joke i do feel that way about food i had a good laugh about it. I even tell myself "soup can" if i find myself getting too wrapped up Thank you, im trying my best ;;
I once got a gronial response to a dog. I read somewhere that the groin responds to different things but we usually don’t notice it but because we have ocd we notice
Ive talked to my boyfriend about it. Hes bisexual and his first response was "...uh. no? Ive known you 10 years and....no." hes also assured me he'll always be there for me no matter what comes out of it, which is great! Another two friends of mine basically snort laughed and said "oh god absolutely not. You? Seriously?" Which was awesome and i know they all love and care for me. I think the fear comes from the "you could have been this way all along and just not known! You missed all the signs!" But. There were ...no signs for me to miss. Its hard for me to talk to anyone else about it, because a lot of my friend circle is not very nice about men/finding men attractive. Others are very big on people discovering the "joys of being bisexual" but even they are like "nah youre pretty cut and dried exclusively gay." The bad thing is theres a lot of bad information out there. Including some people who say that lgbt people go through the "stages of grief" when discovering themselves. Maybe back in the 1970s but now everyone i know wasn't happy! Including myself. Ive just had a rocky past with regard to my relationships which unfortunately a lot of people will latch onto and say "well maybe theres a reason" which is only ever sometimes true, and is not a 100% fool proof reason. I also dont know if this is part of the ocd or not but I take other peoples experiences incredibly personally. Like. Oh no, this happened to this person, maybe thats me too! [Panic button smashed]
It could be useful to teach both your boyfriend and those two other friends a little about reassurance if you haven’t already. As people who know you, their instinct is to give you clarity. From the way you describe it, it sounds like their insistence that you couldn’t possibly be straight is something you’ve held onto as a kind of reminder, but that it hasn’t quite done the trick in the way you hoped it would. I’d stay away from clinging to that response as a kind of proof. In fact, I’d ask them to deliberately fuck with you about it from time to time if you feel like you can take it. Encourage them to make jokes that spike you a little.
Also, it’s pretty fucking rad that you’ve opened up to people about it already. Ain’t nothing.
*your
I just hate how its telling me "oh youre choosing not to find this attractive. Try to!" And im like If i have to try im not attracted!!! And then scream forever
While my OCD has since evolved, I did experience a nice two year period of quiet after 2 or 3 years of HOCD themed intrusive thoughts. Humor was key. The more I could laugh about it, the less scary it became. Embrace the uncertainty but make jokes to yourself about it. I once found myself checking out a car’s ass. My go to response: you must be gay! And then I was like, what the flying fuck, that’s not even a person! That’s a car. I was so much in OCD autopilot (and still waking up during my morning commute) that the logic was infiltrating every second of my life. Find ways to laugh, my friend. Sorry you’re struggling
Have you been able to tell any of your friends about it? I know for me a big part of what I was struggling with was the fear of suddenly seeming a fraud, and that all of my past would be rendered a lie. It was having an especially damning effect on my male relationships. Picking a few people to talk to simultaneously enabled me to both confront my biggest fear and gain some much needed love and support. That said, you gotta be careful bc confession can become its own form of reassurance seeking. I have to imagine that as a gay man, the idea of losing that part of your identity, and thus the community that it connects you to, is terrifying as hell. Leaning into that fear by talking to the same people your OCD tells you that you would lose if they knew you were a fraud is super powerful.
*everyone i know was happy, not wasnt. Oof autocorrect bad
Yeah ive told my boyfriend not to reassure me but to encourage me to do what ive learned to do instead. Sometimes he just lets me get angry and flap around if i need to. I just try not to flip out too much since hes in the military and we dont get to talk much since hes on deployment atm
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
Hocd has messed up my ability to rationally think anything. Everything I do, say, talk, wear, every single thing my mind goes to the conclusion that I’m gay. When I see a woman I find attractive, my mind says I’m lying and I’m forcing my attraction where as before my attraction and desire for woman was so clear and natural, it felt so right. My thinking is messed up, even when I’m getting aroused my mind goes to the image and the thought that I’m getting aroused by men and I just get so upset. This is so tiring.
**If you're not familiar with hocd please don't answer.** It feels like there's no straight me left. I've accepted that I'm a lesbian I don't know if that's what I was supposed to do. I'm deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel that if I was meant to be gay this would feel like it was right for me. It only feels right because if I call myself anything else it feels like I'm lying to myself. The world feels like it's falling apart. I understand that there are people who are happy being gay and that is wonderful for them. I don't want this. I tried saying that I will just call myself straight because I'm only interested in persuing men, but my brain will not let me because I was turned on by a porn of a woman touching herself and its harder for me to get turned on by anything else now. I'm attracted to boys, but what if it's just aesthetically? I don't get a groinal response when I look at an attractive man so I guess that's true. I get groinal responses for women and I guess that's what true attraction is supposed to feel like. I'm masculine. I've been told I'm masculine too. Part of me feels like I want this now. I hate it, but my brain keeps saying what if I'm supposed to be this way. The idea of living in denial of my true self is just as scary to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like this has eaten my whole identity. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be girly, but I'm not allowed to be. I want all of this to end.
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