Ive been isolated at home with these thoughts for more than a year except going to work where I never really talk much. Now my fams visiting and we are going on outings everyday. Being depressed isnt helping bc I have no energy so I have to force myself to do things. Now being in the outside world all of a sudden feels different, I feel different, my self esteem, social anxiety have worsened 10x. I dont feel any attraction to women. Thinking about being in a relationship with a girl is giving me a ick feeling idk where Its coming from but I hate It. I feel as If Im a gay guy checking women out, ughhh. I used to be so normal. God, what is happening. Id try to do therapy but I dont think this is ocd so why even try.

You know the ick feeling could be because you don’t like yourself and that you actually get the ick about yourself in a relationship. Or it could be other things but imagine, would you want someone to be in your life right now? I am depressed as hell too, and I don’t think I could manage to care about anyone else than myself right now. And I also get icks when I see myself with a boy, which I think and believe is because I don’t like myself and get the ick about thinking about me being with someone.

I can relate to everything you wrote (except I am a girl). I also isolated myself for a long time and when I went out in the world again I felt 100 times worse! Because then I could actually experience all my fears coming true and that is terrifying. Every boy I interact with or maybe want to date gives me the ick-feeling, which is the worse feeling ever with HOCD. I actually do believe I get it because I really don’t like thinking about myself in a relationship with someone. I don’t like myself and would feel sorry for the guy who had to tolerate me and my mess.

@🥰 I do suffer with a low self esteem and confidence maybe its bc of that, I had this ick feeling before ocd too but It was very mild and I barely noticed it but after hocd It feels like Im having it bc Im gay. Being In a relationship with a girl also seems very boring and uniteresting now Idk why when before that is all that I ever wanted. My libido is scarily low. Thank you though, you may actually be right

@Imaan7 So good to hear. I relate a lot to what you are saying. I have no interest in making friends or having a boyfriend even tho that’s the only thing I want deep down. I don’t think we are (or I) am capable of loving someone else when I don’t love myself. Why would I want someone to spend the days with me when I don’t even want to be with myself? I have a lot of work to do to be more kind to myself, and you should also try saying affirmations everyday, for example that you have trust in that you are good enough just the way you are❤️