So today my boyfriend and I finally saw each other and it was so good!!! It felt just like before but we were intimate and when we were making out it was great but when it turned more serious I felt myself get disconnected again it’s like I’m not as present as I should be and I feel horrible because I want to be. My body reacts just the way I want it to but my mind just doesn’t stop buzzing. It’s like I’m into it but I’m also in a state of panic and I think it was like this even before soocd. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and God I hope one day I can get past this. I just want to love him.

You’re right. I definitely go into intimacy expecting some kind of performance/spontaneous spark where everything goes just like a movie and I’m honestly struggling to unlearn that because my partner gets so into it and I just wish I was able to lose myself in it like he does. I think I’ve been like this even before my ocd came into play which makes me worry but I definitely have trauma from a past relationship and just this overall fear of giving my body and being used or something happening to the relationship when I’ve already given so much of myself plus things like low self esteem. It’s probably louder now with the trauma of rocd and soocd. I just feel so horrible because when I’m getting off by myself it’s only to thoughts of him but the second he’s in front of me it’s like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore and I expect myself to feel fully aroused every second and when it doesn’t happen I become more and more uninterested and just start overthinking. Intimacy is just so scary, I feel so scared during it and I don’t want that because I love my partner and I want to make him feel loved and be close to him. It’s like my body reacts, I say and do what I think I should be doing but my mind is just not there and it hurts me a lot. Then I start to think of it as “boring, awkward, scary” and the cycle of feeling guilty just starts up all over again. Honestly when I saw him it was as though no time had passed that I was like what that’s it ? But I couldn’t stop reaching out to hold his hand or kiss him or just being close to him and I fell asleep smelling like him which is something I hadn’t done in a long time and it felt so good. I really missed him. Thank you for listening , I’m sorry for the rant I just really don’t have anyone to talk to about it <3

@PinkLotus It sounds to me that you might have some trauma regarding sexual abuse? You don't have to talk about it, just know that I can empathize with you because I have been through a lot in that aspect. I can TOTALLY relate to the performance anxiety. When i was with my now exes, sorry for the tmi but when i was away from them and thinking about them i got 🌌horny af🌌 LOL, but the pressure came when i went into intimacy and expected everything to be perfect and to feel like some sort of movie character. It is OKAY to not have everything to perfect! Like you said, your body responded but you ocd said "no! let's not do this!" You know what you desire deep down, its there. You just have to peel back the ocd layers. The sleeping together situation that you described fits exactly what I loved about my relationships. The feel of smelling like him and waking up in his arms and kissing him, hearing his morning voice mmph. The best feeling in the world when its with someone you LOVE 😊. I miss that. But you know with the low self esteem it is hard to believe that you actually deserve it, at least it is for me. And that your partner is actually interested in you and wants you for your entirety. No need to apologize!:)

@alexisrae1999 I’m not so sure honestly, maybe not sexual abuse but just letting myself be used by the wrong people ? There was also one instance as a child *Trigger warning* where I was spending the night at my friends house and her stepdad walked into the room reeking of alcohol and possibly in his birthday suit. I’m not sure if that affects me now though, I don’t correlate them but it’s possible I am and just don’t realize it. Haha no it’s okay I’m the same, I love dirty texts and hearing what he wants to do to me but then it’s person it’s like uhhhh hey there.. haha. I really am trying my best tho, yesterday I tried being a little more sensual by kissing him in different places and even though I couldn’t fully be into it I enjoyed the smoothness of his skin and his reaction and I wish I could fully appreciate it one day. That’s true about the low self esteem, I feel kind of like I don’t deserve to be touching my partner because I can’t enjoy it as much as he does. Thank you so much for listening and giving me another perspective to consider !

@PinkLotus Feeling used can also show up in the form of trauma, I am still getting over that as well :). My childhood best friends dad used to walk around in his underwear all the time 😂 it probably made ya uncomfortable eh? Completely normal! Yes! I wished my boyfriends would've sent more stuff like that tbh 😂 they never did! Made me feel rejected and confused but I am working on moving forward :). That sounds great, definitely live in the moment and focus on the sensations of his skin. The reactions are always hot af tbh my favorite 😍🤣. Try leaning into the feelings of guilt and not deserving of things. It sounds terrible, but I have been doing that, and locating where I feel them. Its kinda like ERP but for the negative sensations that we as ocders hate. You're welcome! If you need to talk at all I'm here just tag me 😊💗