I uninstalled reddit and tiktok today cuz i dont want to do compulsions anymore. But now i feel like I just dont want to face the truth... HELP

like the title says, i also suffer from cancel culture OCD, even more these last two months in which i have noticed that several people have been deleting me from social media, in fact two days ago i had a spiral as someone recently blocked me. i won't go into it to avoid the compulsion to confess but basically i had issues before with my ex and some of his friends that he himself ended up involving, even though we are on good terms he made sure to make me look like i was the problem and several mutual friends have been detaching themselves from me. the thing is, i see many people say that to fight their cancel culture OCD they delete their social media and then just. disappear. but i don't want to do this - i don't want to hide, i want to stay in the public eye and create things, in fact, i am an artist. but since the last year now i live in constant fear and also somewhat sensitive to what others think of me thanks to the rumors about me and i'm afraid that one day i might be "exposed" or something like that; and i also feel like i'm "pretending" to be a good person all the time. so, with what i already said, how do i deal with this without having to resort to deleting my social media? i think that exposing myself every day and continuing to post things on social medias despite the constant fear and guilt i feel would count as ERP, right? thanks.

help.

I uninstalled this app for a while bc i was posting very much, but my compulsions continued. I went to a festival with my boyfriend and my friends, i waited one year for this moment and , it was like hell bc of my thoughts. It made me act so bad, i had so many mood swings, i was crying randomly bc i was thinking i am not in love anymore. even in the last day of the festival, in the middle of frikng Ken Carsons show, i had thoughts about me not loving my boyfriend, that the annoys me and it just felt so real. It felt and it feels straight up like it is real this time and i dont know what to do. Maybe this is not ocd and i just found an excuse all this time. Im avoiding intimacy, im not saying i love you, i feel repulsed by him for no reason, all off this is like proof to me but it feels so bad. So so bad. I ruined the moment i was waiting for so much, and not only for me, but for him, someone here told me i feel out of love. Im scared that this is not ocd. that im just a good person who does not accept the truth, and that dosent want to hurt him. I feel like i have changed and have no feelings. He tells me that im not supposed to feel love everytime but why dont i feel it al all. im scared and tierd. Im scared that i do t have ocd. i have been lime this for so long, (2 years) that i started to think i never loved him and i just want the ideea of me to love him, and maybe im crying rn not because i want to love him but because im tierd of feeling like this. please someone help me. i dont know what is happening. i cant even kiss him or be intimate and im thinking “LOOK IS PROOF I DONT LOVE HIM” . PLUS im so rude to him and im acting badly and when he tells me he dosent feel loved i feel so numb. like i do t care???? is this real??? it feels real this time??? maybe this is not rocd, i cant enjoy anything and it somehow makes sense that i only want the ideea of liking him please i told my mom i dont feel live and she told me “Why are you struggling? Are you staying with him out of pity or out of compromise? Have you been like this for 2 years? How long will you last?” im hurting myslef and him