i don't feel like i like guys. at all. it only feels like i want to be with them because it's what society wants :( and minimal anxiety too. how is this ocd??

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

I have experienced every theme that can be added to post but I’m currently experiencing those. So I am on the spectrum and I happen to have a high sensory profile and it definitely gives the ocd more to latch unto. I would see a pretty female with makeup done and it eatssss and I would notice the facial symmetry + how her features compliment each other and my ocd would be like why did you notice she is pretty, BECAUSE I HAVE EYES😭! I can’t be the only neurodivergent person that notices details and how attractive people are intensely? I do not even care about orientation but I know for sure if I was into women, it won’t just start plaguing me one evening Im my head shouting “you are gay” like man Im a female at least say you are a lesbian 😭😂😂😂😂. How can I genuinely have no interest and get outrightly repulsed by females sexually and romantically. It feels like I am being forced to be something im not. I tried accepting i am lesbian but I experienced more anxiety and could not sleep till I accepted i am still straight and it is ocd playing with me(ocd leave me alone, I don’t even enjoy playing with you) I accepted i am a lesbian like ocd said I should but why do I still love my ex and hope I marry him😭 + I couldn’t bring myself to be interested in females. OCD leave me alone because I don’t enjoy this game again! I’m not homophobic at all but denouncing Im straight doesn’t feel like home and I still find myself yearning for only men

I wouldn’t really say I have SO-OCD, but it manifests in some areas of my TOCD. Like if I see a woman for example my thoughts will go “what if I like her but as a man?” like my thoughts say I’m a straight man instead of a straight woman. And it’s really bothering me. If I see an attractive woman my brain will re-wire and imagine myself as a man looking at an attraction woman and it gets super uncomfortable that I have to like shake my head and say “no no no no no” multiple times to get the thought out. I know that counts as a compulsion but it’s hard to not do it because it’s so triggering. Now I don’t mind if I like women, however I’m really scared that I’m actually a straight man who likes women (or at least a bisexual man, considering I like men) and I hate it because I don’t want to be a man. Like I’ll think of my desired relationship as a woman dating a man but my OCD will switch it up to me being the man dating the woman, which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to be a man at all and I don’t want to date a woman, both of those are the opposite of my desires, but I’m still so scared. I’ll accept myself if I actually like women and am a bisexual woman, however I heard that being bisexual can mean being trans which scares me (for the record it was said in reddit by a sub which is mainly focused on a pseudoscientific phenomenon, that is still believed by the members to be true, so it’s definitely not a trustworthy statement, but my OCD will use anything to work against me) Does anyone here relate a little? 🥲