Big breakthrough for me; instead of sitting her and feeling hellish and ruminating and so forth. I did research into love, attraction, sexuality, and the OCD brain. I’ve come to the conclusion, that my brain was stuck it couldn’t comprehend how I find girls more aesthetically pleasing a lot of the times but I’ve only been romantically attracted to men! Wow now why was that so hard for my brain to comprehend and why did I have to feel and go through all of this pain, checking, triggers, ruminating and anxiety? Well because I do have a broken brain (for lack of a better word), my brain wants to think in black and white only and guess what?? I’m not as black and white as it wants me to be. I hope this gives everyone hope, I have done a lot of ERP and research prior to my first appointment on Friday with a therapist for the first time in 27 years. For my ROCD, guess what I’ve come to the conclusion of?? I’m not with my husband for his looks. I’m with him for his heart, his soul, the way he walks into a room and controls it, the way he works his ass off to give me everything I need. So who cares if there is a guy or girl out there better looking then him! You can nit pick his flaws all you want ROCD, but idc because before you came into my head. His looks was my last concern!!! I hope this brings hope to some of you.

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

So I just had like a huge breakthrough. I often look for a feeling when I’m with him. And when I don’t I freak out mentally and it’s weird it’s hard it figure out why. But I was like doing my exposure and thought you know I choose this. I don’t need to do anything about this feeling I choose to love him on facts not feelings. So this doesn’t have to mean ANYTHING, I choose to love him despite knowing he’s not super conventionally attractive. It’s my choice , “what if I really don’t wanna be though” no it’s a choice that can’t be true if it’s a choice that means I do really want to be with him bc I’m still choosing him. If I didn’t wanna be with him I wouldn’t be with him and have no reason not t be. It’s a choice despite how you feel Evry day.

So I’m getting there I’m almost at recovery. I have to tell myself I don’t know if my boyfriend is attractive enough for me to marry. I have no idea. Maybe he’s not. I have every right reason tk be with him I can name off reasons why I like him and love him more than physical appearance and they outweigh any bad thing or flaw. I also can do this Joe without trying to feel something. Or have a right feeling. I always felt like if I wasn’t that physically attracted it meant I should be with someone else and I don’t wanna be, so I’m taking the reigns and I’m saying yes I care about it this I wanna be with him I know k am for th right reasons I also think the spirit wants me here. God doesn’t value looks over personality. I have a history of prideful ness, and I’m going to take them captive and reflect on his heart in those moments. I’m not hopeless I have faith that God will come through for me. Even if he isn’t God will show me he is in control here even of my heart , he is in control and he will lead me .