I've been suffering with my ocd pretty bad bad a long time, but today and the past few days have been much better than usual because I've tried to be mindful and accept uncertainty. It definitely has helped me to feel closer to my boyfriend and more like myself a bit, but I can't help but second guess myself even harder sometimes when I have good days. I'm sure it's another sneaky method of ocd, but it does get me scared and sad sometimes. Sometimes I just want to enjoy a good day or good moment with my boyfriend without immediately after having my ocd tell me that I must be faking it or be a fraud.

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online 😭 It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is 🥲 I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason 🫠 I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!

The past month or so I have been in and out of OCD spirals. I’ll have a couple days of spiraling and then a couple days of being better. Then a couple days spiraling and then a couple days doing better. Today is one of those days where I can feel the anxiety under the surface and where I am monitoring it to see/keep it in check. Yesterday I was good, I had good dialogue in my mind, I was content with making mistakes in the past, but being a better human and person these days going forward. I can feel the ebb and flow of it today where the anxiety spikes, my internal dialogue say “am I going to freak out”, “confess this”, “say that”, “don’t say that”, “I’m a bad person”, “I’m a good person that is learning and growing every day” etc etc. Then the anxiety comes down, my mind feels clearer, less noisy and less physical feeling, and I feel like I don’t care about the OCD and me as much. Just been feeling the ebbs and flows of OCD over the course of months and days, and even within the day itself.