I just feel Like an absolute idiot I should have never tried anything with anything or anyone growing up trying to get rid of this disorder I feel helpless and hopeless and stuck on the inside. I realize I violated my own morals and values by forcing myself to do something I feel absolutely horrible about myself as a man and human being. Some day I am just going to have to stand up and get over this but it’s so hard. I can’t believe I violated myself.

As a teenager and in other ways up until age 21, I was just an absolutely horrible person. It wasn't just a one time event that I regret, it was a lifestyle. I was a hedonist and a narcissist to an unbelievable degree and didn't even realize it. I read people's stories on here related to their real events and I just feel that I've done so much worse so it fuels this feeling that I'm unredeemable. And again it's not like I just made "one mistake." I was living under such a cloud of self-delusion and non-confrontation that I couldn't even embrace that what I was doing was wrong. Something pulled me out of that one night and I was forced to confront my actions (I believe it was God) but I've been living in this hell that is obsession ever since. I'm so guilty and ashamed and I'm desperate to find redemption. I can't forgive myself and I can't understand why I was the way I was or how on earth I even covered up what I was doing from others and even from myself mentally. I would just put a veil in my mind and not even think it was an issue. It's more likely than not that I am what I fear I am, so I guess trying to unconditionally accept the possibility of being what I fear is the only real way through this. Realistically I deserve all the suffering I'm receiving but I realize I can't have that mindset if I'm to have any hope of recovery. This is unbelievably isolating and I can't talk to anyone because of the risks involved. All I can do is try to limit compulsions, try to (somehow) accept the possibility of the worst case scenario and do my best to serve others.

Recently I (16m)feel hopeless I feel so sick and sad idk what to do I feel lost I feel like a monster everything has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on from the never ending guilt . I did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect.(idk if all of this was because when I was 8 I was shown explicit content by my older brother) I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. Idk if I can move on. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.i wish I could move on like my older brother and maybe he shouldn’t idk who seems to not feel guilty maybe this is what I deserve idk I feel like I can’t go on I’m in my junior year and I saw one of the people and immediately just got crushed with the guilt and spiraled of how actually shameful I am if I tell any of my friends they’ll just leave or worse

18+ I think these are some of the the worst real events ive ever done... and Im so triggered because the last thing I want is to be a a P or a MAP... im triggered because I dont want the people ive become friends with on NOCD to block me because they think im a P or a MAP... thats the last thing I want... These events, combined with my extremely horrible pocd real events at the ages of either 13 or 14... (for context i cant remember the exact age) makes me think im a P when i dont ever want to be... When I was 17-18... i s3xually consumed l0licon on occasion... I saw the term, but i didnt know what the term meant... I thought that since it was on public h3ntai sites, and it had millions of views, that i thought it was safe to consume... when I did my research when I was 19 (and my pocd first emerged) onto what exactly the term was... I was horrified and mortified... I puked and gagged and felt numb for days... and I never ever looked at it again... it's been 5 years since then... im 24 now... and the last thing I want is to ever be exposed to this kind of content ever again... let alone consume it... I should've been more knowledgeable and it's my fault... my pocd and real events ocd call me a P and a MAP when these are the LAST things i want to be... I know what I did was wrong and I regret it immensely till this day... and im so overwhelmed... the last thing i want is to be inappropriately attracted to kids in any capacity... im just so anxious and triggered...