I just feel Like an absolute idiot I should have never tried anything with anything or anyone growing up trying to get rid of this disorder I feel helpless and hopeless and stuck on the inside. I realize I violated my own morals and values by forcing myself to do something I feel absolutely horrible about myself as a man and human being. Some day I am just going to have to stand up and get over this but it’s so hard. I can’t believe I violated myself.

It's really one of the most shame triggering actions to violate one's own values and moral sense. For now you just have to go through that painful emotion and explain yourself, why you did what you did. Next time you are in a similar situation or could conduct the same mistake, you know even better not to take that path. Also your individual values got validated - you wouldn't feel so ashamed, if they were not important to you.

You are correct I experience this shame and guilt as a result of my mistakes I just wanted the intrusive thoughts to stop or go away. I feel horrible about myself and my life I used to feel much better about myself than I do now, I think the biggest issue I now face is harsh judgment from others for my mistakes and my past especially women how they would view me I am trying to constantly figure out why I did what I did, I am a complete mess I feel helpless and hopeless on the inside and just pure gross.

I knew who I was before all of this shit started I can never get that person I once was back

@Sad mom 😢 I thought so, I thought that I would or I didn’t know, I know before this happened to me I was happy and alive on the inside I felt amazing about myself growing up I was confident never confused I feel into a severe depression, I know who I am but now I fear women judging me for It, my past really drags me down I feel horrible about myself