- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Bryan...its ok. I came out if it for a while but now im back in it again it feels like someone takes control of your brain and makes you think you are a different person right?
- Date posted
- 4y
Yeah
- Date posted
- 4y
Hi there Bryan. I’m sure this all really hard to cope with, and you’re probably feeling really confused right now. What makes you feel so sure that you’re bisexual? Did these thoughts of bisexuality exist prior to SOOCD?
- Date posted
- 4y
I am not bi sexual, I know I wouldn’t have tried or done anything with a male prior to my onset of OCD I just wanted the thoughts to stop the entire experience was gross and disgusting, I worry all the time about the future even future relationships trying to explain to a woman why I did what I did or that I have a serious anxiety disorder that causes me to have unwanted thoughts. I know I belong with a woman for sure, I definitely don’t want to have another experience with a guy. It was gross 🤢 I feel shame and guilt for violating myself
- Date posted
- 4y
This story goes deeper I can share if you like
- Date posted
- 4y
I don’t enjoy this, this shit sucks
- Date posted
- 4y
How do you even tell a woman that I tried something?? Like how do you explain to her you don’t enjoy or didn’t enjoy the experience?? I feel horrible…. I remember before this started how happy I was at 16.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Bryan Hi again! Really sorry for the late reply, I’ve had a pretty bad migraine today and yesterday. I completely understand what you’re saying. This form of OCD can be incredibly confusing, and the lines between OCD and the truth, or ‘you’ can get incredibly blurry at time with all of the anxiety and racing thoughts. It’s not uncommon for people to feel that their thoughts ‘must’ be true, given the whole array of physical feelings, thoughts and urges that come hand in hand with the obsession. And that can sometimes lead people to do things that they would otherwise NOT do, if OCD wasn’t in the picture. I understand that you feel ashamed, but a woman you SHOULD be with is a woman who will want to understand the nature of OCD, and understand and appreciate that your past actions were the result of a debilitating and confusing anxiety disorder, as you say. Do you still want to talk to me about what happened?
- Date posted
- 4y
@Elly Yes I do, do you think that she would understand it’s the result of an anxiety disorder? I mean if I fully explained it to her? Most women to my knowledge are pretty understanding for the most part, I do think I am being incredibly hard on myself for everything. I appreciate the reply also
- Date posted
- 4y
@Bryan Yes, any decent person will understand that. It’s definitely complex, and don’t feel insulted if she looks confused at first - it will take some explaining, but once you’ve explained it, she will understand. You are being hard on yourself!
- Date posted
- 4y
@Elly Ok
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
I’ve tried accepting the uncertainty, I’ve accepted I may be gay, bi or still straight. I’ve tried doing ERP myself to the best I can. When I accept that I’m gay or bi why doesn’t my head agree and move on? Why does it still question it? I know I don’t want to be at all. I love my family. But I just want this to move on. I want to enjoy life. Why can’t I find women attractive again? (Brief moments I do). I seriously don’t understand the false attraction? I’ve tried agreeing with it but it won’t let this drop. Why am I attracted to the same sex? Why am I attracted to people I would never thought of looking at? Why does it give me such grief about this? I know I shouldn’t look at adult content but why can I only feel good watching either lesbian or females? I tried to agree with the gay but it makes me sick and horrendous I even considered this? I just want my life back.
- Date posted
- 21w
I’m trying to live with uncertainty but it doesn’t feel right. The “I may or may not be bi/gay” really sucks because I can’t stop ruminating, analyzing, or checking. This especially sucks because I feel like literally EVERYTHING in my life leads to the fact that I’m a fraud which feels horrible. I can’t even talk to my friends the way I used to without feeling like I’m lying about myself. The false attraction and loss of attraction to men is literally horrible because now I feel like the life i fantasized for myself isn’t something I want.
- Date posted
- 20w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
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