TRIGGER WARNING I wrote a story about what sexual orientation ocd looks like on a daily basis for me.. I am in no way trying to offend anyone by the context, I am just simply hoping that somebody with the same struggles reads this and knows that they are not alone.. yes I am doing therapy (currently searching for exposure therapy) with the assistance of medication. I'm doing what I need to in order to break this from my life. Hopefully somebody who reads this and relates,, this is a sign for you to get the help too.. we are all here for a reason. Let's work everyday to try and make tomorrow better♥️♥️♥️♥️ Thank you to all who read this!!!! I wake up and taste what kind of day it will be as soon as I let out my first yawn. I never had much uncertainty on that, knowing that my anxiety would alert me as soon as I opened my eyes. I lay down, staring at my phone, looking out the window, feeling like nobody in this world knows what is going through my head. Hell, if I even knew. I put on my robe and slippers and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I stare into the mirror procrastinating starting my day, looking into the eyes of somebody I once knew. Somebody that was sure of themselves in every aspect. I stare and I reminisce about the person I used to be. The person I knew. I start my coffee pot, debating on going to class. I can't possible leave the house today. My mind isn't right. How can I focus on my studies if I don't even know who I am anymore? What if the person that was once so passionate about my major, doesn't care anymore? Then the other side of my brain knows i can't give up, but man what a fight it is going to be today. I drive to school blasting my music. Music I used to enjoy, music I used to sing out loud with my horrible singing voice and never cared what anyone thought. The music that I used to dance to in the ice cream isle in the store. Then my mind sinks in. I sit in class waiting for my teacher to arrive. I look at my classmates who are all chatting amoungst eachother who have such confidence in their beings. I can't help but feel jealous. Wow, her hair is so long and pretty. Wait? Did I just think that? Great, it's starting. I just thought her hair is pretty because gay!!! Then my teacher comes in. Her makeup looks gorgeous today. Really? Another one? Now I can't stop looking at her makeup because I'm GAY! but how can I be gay? I never had a crush or romantic feeling towards a female? I'm not gay. But what if this is denial? What if I never truly knew my sexual orientation like I thought I did. What if me wanting to be friends with the popular girls in middle school was me actually being attracted to them? Even though I was more boy crazy then any 12 year old should be. What if, that time that my friend showed me lesbian porn at age 11, (striking my pornography obsession during puberty) was a sign that I was meant to be a lesbian? Why do I have such fear of this? I'm not homophobic in any way. Am I just a judgemental horrible person? No. I'm not. What if during the magical time that I was falling in love with my amazing boyfriend at age 16, it was just hormones? And it wasn't true love? How can I kiss the man that I know i love so dearly every night before bed with all of this uncertainty. Why do I have this uncertainty? Why do I like to look at other girls makeup, outfits, etc. Oh, thats right, it's because of this toxic fear I internalized growing up that I will never be pretty like the other girls. I've been insecure since I can remember. That must be it. Right? I would know if I'm gay. I mean, come on, I'm 18. I would of had a girl crush by now, right? But that article I read last week said sexuality could be fluid. Is mine? I knew my fear of being with a women was internalized since I was young and I knew a day would come that it would get worse. Is this a sign? ***Bell rings*** My teacher- "great class discussion today, remember the homework is due at midnight!" I leave knowing I took nothing out of that class. Just more uncertainty and anxiety that I have to go home to face. I scramble my thoughts throughout the day until I'm able to shut my eyes and wake up to start this horrible cycle all over again.