what if God is using me through my compulsions to make things okay for people and that by not doing them i have ruined everyone’s lives. i feel like i had a responsibility and i even asked him to use me because i wanted him to but i don’t want to do compulsions anymore.

Sometimes I have thoughts that I would normally assume to be ocd, not sound like ocd. I start to think/feel that it's God telling me to do these things?? I then end up feeling guilty for not immediately implementing these things into my life. I hate that so much of what used to feel like ocd seems unclear. I don't feel like a good person. I know a lot of sermons aren't made with ocd in mind, but I feel like I'm not listening to God if I don't listen to thoughts I would've thought were ocd before

I just got in a very heated argument with my controlling grandmother, and I’ll admit I acted like an absolute @ssh0le. I’ve been struggling with obsessive thoughts way heavier than usual the past few days and after the argument, I went upstairs feeling some guilt when suddenly I started obsessing over God taking something from me because of it. I then got a random thought I guess I’ve confused as my own… I thought “God take my abilities” and that’s literally the LAST thing I’d ever want. That was where my ocd started getting bad was back when I started thinking he would take from me. Now I fear that because I acted like that with my grandmother, and then came upstairs and thought “You can take my abilities” that He will. I don’t see a way out of this one, atleast not tonight

I feel like my compulsions are taking over my life. Every freaking night i spend so much of my time doing and redoing all my actions from walking up the stairs to crossing a certain part of my room to getting it o to bed. i close my bedroom door like 9 times until it “feels right” and have to sing songs and focus on bones in my body just so that i don’t have a negative thought so that i don’t have to do it again. I’m so over it. i feel like i waste so much time stressing myself out about my thoughts and not having the thoughts so i do things to combat and distract from the thoughts and i just feel freaking insane. yes my medication is helping and makes be wayyyy better than i was three years ago but it still feel like it’s taking over my life. i cant stand it and i feel like the more i do it the more i’m getting g comfortable with other people seeing me do it which just means i’ll do it more. i just can’t !!! so many thoughts and so many actions and it’s all based on people i love so i feel guilty if i dont do the compulsion. And even when i realize that this is all ridiculous and that’s it’s apart of my OCD, i just get sad because i’m still going through with the compulsions and start thinking about how this is my life and how i’m stuck doing this stuff forever!!