Just did an exposure and I was nervous to do it because I had a great day and didn’t want to be ruminating before bed. I did the exposure and started off at a level 4 of stress and towards the end of the exposure I realized my stress level didn’t become worse it just stayed the same. I guess that alittle progress?

I find while doing exposures, rarely does my anxiety lessen. It usually amps up and stays that way for the remainder of the day. I could be having a fairly decent day, but dutifully do my exposures and then the rest of my day is anxiety filled. I guess that’s just how it is now? Also, I’m wondering if my therapist even believes I have OCD. I totally understand my therapist cannot provide reassurance. But it’s to the point it seems my therapist acts like I actually did the thing I fear. I feel so isolated.

So I've been working to address my OCD for about a month now. So far, I haven't been working on it with a therapist and have instead been trying to create my own exposure exercises. The primary obsession I'm working on is the fear that I'm somehow flawed or invalid on a fundamental level. The best way I can describe it it is that its similar to the feeling you get when you have germ OCD and you feel contaminated, except my whole existence and being feels contaminated, so to speak. I've identified a list of triggers, and a list of compulsions (pretty much all mental) that I've noticed myself performing. I started out by doing imaginal exposures and scripts where I'd write out triggering fictional scenarios and read them over and over, combined with mindfulness techniques to focus on my breath and bring myself back to the present when I noticed myself performing compulsions mentally. At first it worked to some extent, but eventually I started to feel like the stories I was writing about this obsession weren't triggering any anxiety anymore or a very low level. So I stopped reading them and focused solely on improving my ability to stay present and identifying compulsions as I perform them, and disengaging. Now, I'm at the point where it seems like my general anxiety levels throughout the day are lower, and the triggers I've identified are producing noticeably less anxiety. But that makes me wonder if somehow I'm just secretly doing mental compulsions without knowing it? Is only a month of rather disorganized and unstructured ERP enough to produce this much improvement? To avoid giving me re-assurance, I'd appreciate if you guys don't directly answer those questions, maybe just provide some possibilities or your own experiences so I can get a better idea of where I'm at. Any info would be appreciated. Thanks!

This is my first post. I know I need to work on sharing and asking for help, so I am sharing my first journaled day of after group exposures. Perhaps someone can give me a new perspective. Today I had 4 hours of intensive outpatient therapy that I am currently undergoing and it's 3 days a week. Also, 2-4 hours of after every group assignments called exposures to complete for ERP. Today I am supposed to drive to a homeless shelter and sit with my distress, letting it reside naturally. My first attempt at going to the homeless shelter, I was feeling very sudsy on the way there and had to stop once to go to the pet store to run an actual errand on my way to do the exposure. The thought had entered my mind that if I bought a fish I would just head home and not do the exposure so I could get the fish in the tank. So I acknowledged it as the anxiety and proceeded to head to the homeless shelter. I then realized I did not bring a drink and feel overwhelmingly compelled to go home. My physical symptoms were very strong at this time and I was only 1/4 of the way there. I did feel very nauseous but decided to get a drink on the way and continue. I feel as though my mind is fighting the exposures more than usual and the feeling of dread is stronger. I arrived at where I would turn in to park and immediately panicked when I saw the people standing around. I couldn't go back around and quickly left the area. Peak suds 90 specifically when I had seen the homeless people on the property. Low suds 50 in an hour and 10 mins. It was another hour or so before they came down to a tolerable 25/30. On my second attempt at 7pm, I arrived. On the way here, I acknowledged the presence of intrusive thoughts out load. A thought had entered my mind that I was having physical symptoms from the suds. My heart rate was up and it was hard for me to swallow because my throat felt like it was closing. My suds went up and down from 30 to 70 as an assortment of intrusive thoughts occurred. The last 5 .minutes of the drive was hard. As I was approaching a stop light, after seeing a large number on homeless outside in one particular area, (50-75 people) an image entered my mind of seeing myself homeless on that corner. My suds went up to 85/90 seeing myself in my mind sitting on the concrete under the bypassing with my knees in my chest and my face buried in shame. I turned up my music and moved onto my next thoughts while driving with suds still at a 70. I arrived at the homeless shelter 3 minuets later as was able to park. I had also been crying on the way there of dreading the exposure. I had also had a very high suds when I made a mistake by not turning on red and the person behind me, went around me. As he passed, he loudy announced that he was flustered by my mistake and called me out before going around me. I felt so embarrassed and completed the turn after he was up far enough that I wasn't near him. Unfortunately I ended up at the next red light next to him. I consciously pulled up further so he wasn't able to see my face. He slowly crept up next to me and stopped to hollar into my open window "I know you're tired and all" and I was frozen solid. I was paralyzed and was just staring at the light begging in my head for it to turn green so I could move for what felt like an hour. I was notice and confronted which is my worst fear when making a mistake. It confirmed in that moment that I was being judged. While at the homeless shelter, I noticed myself looking around the area and not concentrating on the building. It made me more sudsy when I looked at the building number on the front so I moved my car closer and parked directly in front of the plaque that read Home of Bethlehem Haven. I looked directly at the number on the building and reading the plaque and sat with my suds until my suds reduced by half. Peak suds 80 low suds 40 in 9 mins Suds peaked at 80 when the vision occurred in my mind that the next step may be walking into the homeless shelter and asking for information. I immediately refocused on the front of the building to reduce my suds oddly and I didn't know what they meant but it struck me as weird. I began looking away and back at the number until my suds were at a 30. I encouraged myself to stay for a while 20 mins with my suds fluctuating. I said out loud several times "I might live here someday" at first quietly and then decided if I am going to say it, say it in my regular voice and not whisper it. 10-20 suds going up and down with the vocals. Upon leaving the area, my suds had gone down to 20 on the way home. My suds varied and swelled, as I began ruminating about the experience. I put my music on and drove home. I want to break the habit of chewing on the inside of my cheek. When I get nervous, it's really sudzy, because my jaw tends to hurt after having a very Suzy day. I also started engaging in some deep thought about why I do certain things. And I realized that I have watched every episode of intervention to watch how bad these people get, and I'm doing so to try to scare myself straight. So I don't end up in that situation. Cause I feel as though. If it does get bad in my life that I will give up completely. I'm afraid of giving up not being homeless. And I did begin journaling my exposures, because I feel that a lot goes on during my exposures that I'm not sharing, because I have forgotten, and I am not great at remembering details unless I write them down at the time. That's why I write things down so much. But it occurred to me, and it always felt like there was something more to my core fear and though I am absolutely terrified of being homeless again and being helpless. I felt that there were parallel themes in my other triggers not relating to being homeless, such as accidentally hurting my puppy. So, there was just always something that made me uncertain. I had an Aha moment when it occurred to me, that perhaps my actual core fear is giving up for good. I also want to note that I theorize the reason a homeless shelter is scary is because it would mean that I gave up for good. It is that would be a much more serious and long term outcome. More final. When I had been homeless in the past and sleeping not under a real roof (shed/car/truck) it had been relatively short term (a few days to weeks). Where as a homeless shelter signifies the shame and embarrassment of giving up. It brings up the disappointment in how my life has been changed for the worse. For the way I have been damaged by the people who were supposed to be the one that would protect me with their lives. Not ruin mine. Earlier today I sat with the distress of not engaging in any kind of relationship with my father or step mother because it is in my best interest. Peak suds 90 and stayed at 60 for an hour throughout dinner.