- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Omg this is me too!! You have LITERALLY described my life and situation, and I totally feel you. The good news is, there is stuff out there on this (I have done so much research and am finding new pieces every so often). There is an article on iocdf.org about double invalidation by Elle Warren (insta, @griefgurlwithocd), one on men's health, published 5 days ago, a post with helpful comments on @kimberleyquinlan's insta, you have to scroll on her page to find her post on bisexuality and OCD, and just today I found the account @notdefining on Insta, where Mark talks about this exact experience in posts whilst being in a 'hetero' marriage. I guess I've been seeking assurance in some ways, but mostly I need this community as it's such a specific sub-sub type of OCD so I totally understand the absolute anguish it causes you, as it eats me up too. I am so happy in my relationship with my boyfriend but I have debilitating thoughts of should I be with a woman on paper, am I attracted to women more, etc, and this spirals me into a habit of checking online, catching myself checking my attraction to men/women in different ways to calculate my attraction levels, reassuring myself etc. I hope this helps. You and I are not alone!
- Date posted
- 4y
Omg! Thank you so much for responding! It makes me feel so much better and less alone. I will dec check out those resources. I have been going through this on and off for about 2 years now and it's taken a big toll on me and the intimacy in my relationship cause I do all those same kinds of compulsions you mentioned, checking attraction levels, comparing etc... but I think the worst compulsions that come with it are comparing to all of the comphet information and "signs of being gay" sort of media I see online all the time. It has totally warped my perception of my attraction to men to the point where I am always compulsively checking and overthinking! Are you doing work with an ocd therapist?
- Date posted
- 4y
@Whatabtme In addition, I realized kinda later on that I was bi, not until I was in college, so that aspect of things always intensifies my ocd more. I realized well before I met my current boyfriend but the fact that I was already like 19 or 20 when I came out as bi always makes me super double down on the ocd thoughts that I could realize late in the game that I am gay too
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm so glad. When I saw your post I just wanted to help because I truly understand, and I've been seeking out others in the same boat to feel less alone. Those resources are great so definitely do in your own time. I know how all consuming it can get with the mental checks! I am seeing a bisexually affirmed therapist based in the UK as I am from there. I've just started but she's amazing and she's called @bi.affirmativetherapist or similar on Insta. She understands OCD and anxiety and loosely diagnosed me but also specialises in working with bisexual people and sexually compulsive behaviour so I thought that would be helpful as it's not a straight out OCD issue if you get me? But nocd do provide therapists who cover all themes too. Same here with the lateness of things. I'm 30 and only last year was I owning my bisexuality and knowing it fully. I had years where I thought I was gay or more gay than straight, whatever that means, but romantically pursued guys and just pushed it to the back of my mind. For me so much has been about control and being 'fine' and pressure. Since I have been free and open with my partner and fully myself the OCD has hit, because I'm finally accepting and happy, so it's going after this stuff and causing doubt. I guess I'd say with your worries is that right now, you say you are not gay. Right now, you are happy and choose to be with your partner. Future proofing is useless. But also, sexuality is a spectrum!! Everyone is on that somewhere and we are making it easier for the next generations to be less black and white, because that is not truthful to the population, and it's been proven in many studies and stats. My bf after speaking to me was like, I'm probs not 100% straight. I don't think many people are 100% gay or straight over a lifetime, most are conditioned to think they should be. Lisa Diamond has done amazing research on the fluidity of all sexualities. I've spent hours looking at all the research to keep teaching myself this, so I still struggle, but as soon as we stop obsessing over labelling and being one specific thing we can actually breathe in the acceptance. Easier said than done ofc!
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate the chance to connect and bridge the gap of loneliness with our specific circumstances. I've been doing erp therapy with nocd to address my obsessions around this, and my boyfriend actually has ocd himself so I'm very open with him about my struggles. Idk what I'd do if I couldn't talk to him about it, but it definitely makes things a bit more bearable. But you're right! Ultimately the obsessing over labeling and specifics gets in the way of acceptance and i think that's what's fueling my ocd lately! Easier said than done like you said. Thank you thank you again for sharing. I've felt so alone for so long. <3
- Date posted
- 4y
@Whatabtme Thanks so much for opening up about it! That's great you've been doing ERP. I'm starting CBT soon, and may try ERP with nocd sometime as well. That is so so good you can communicate openly with him - I think it's the most important thing you can do. My boyfriend knows about everything and even though it felt hard it was the best thing I've done, and he is so madly supportive. I also did a scary thing and told my parents today, who literally couldn't have less of an idea of OCD, but they've been great considering. Being open really is key! I'm always here to chat and I hope you find more solace in others experiencing the same thing! <3
- Date posted
- 4y
Comment deleted by user
- Date posted
- 4y
Yes, but people often give reassurance to people with soocd framed as "the thoughts aren't true that you like X gender" and when it's framed like that, it is actually exclusive of bisexual and pansexual people
- Date posted
- 4y
So long sorry! But I really feel strongly about it, and I'm doing better after a therapy session this afternoon.
- Date posted
- 2y
I also wanna add that I grew up loving men primarily, having crushes on them , and yes dealt with unhealthy information about sex from society/porn and unhealthy christian teachings. Also I have enjoyed having sex with men and being in relationships with them. Sex to me was something you did in relationships with someone you love and trust minus me doing the opposite too many times. I’ve a lot of scars because I gave my virginity before ready. I have also come to a point of feeling brainwashed. I’m also so isolated and the pandemic put a wrench in my life so I think it’s so complex. Also thoughts of you can’t be bi because you would be thinking of men more or your sapphic leaning so how are you allowed to be with a man if you’re not gonna want sex etc….. I feel guilty tired of all of this.
- Date posted
- 2y
Last comment. I’ve also gone down the road of looking into the possibilities of being demisexual as well because I have experienced that indicated I very well could be towards men.
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- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
Do you guys talk anymore , I like women and trans women like genitalia of both not necessarily men: I know I fall on the bisexual spectrum and my ocd latches out , how do you do erp. I seen things for homosexual and straight but not for me I probably 80/20 most straight but my attractions flip flop as when I with someone in real I prefer women and fantasy wise I fantasize about both. But most the trans women and male genitalia . This latches on to my ocd as when I was younger I didn’t care
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
- Date posted
- 15w
I wouldn’t really say I have SO-OCD, but it manifests in some areas of my TOCD. Like if I see a woman for example my thoughts will go “what if I like her but as a man?” like my thoughts say I’m a straight man instead of a straight woman. And it’s really bothering me. If I see an attractive woman my brain will re-wire and imagine myself as a man looking at an attraction woman and it gets super uncomfortable that I have to like shake my head and say “no no no no no” multiple times to get the thought out. I know that counts as a compulsion but it’s hard to not do it because it’s so triggering. Now I don’t mind if I like women, however I’m really scared that I’m actually a straight man who likes women (or at least a bisexual man, considering I like men) and I hate it because I don’t want to be a man. Like I’ll think of my desired relationship as a woman dating a man but my OCD will switch it up to me being the man dating the woman, which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to be a man at all and I don’t want to date a woman, both of those are the opposite of my desires, but I’m still so scared. I’ll accept myself if I actually like women and am a bisexual woman, however I heard that being bisexual can mean being trans which scares me (for the record it was said in reddit by a sub which is mainly focused on a pseudoscientific phenomenon, that is still believed by the members to be true, so it’s definitely not a trustworthy statement, but my OCD will use anything to work against me) Does anyone here relate a little? 🥲
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- Date posted
- 15w
Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.
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