- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Omg this is me too!! You have LITERALLY described my life and situation, and I totally feel you. The good news is, there is stuff out there on this (I have done so much research and am finding new pieces every so often). There is an article on iocdf.org about double invalidation by Elle Warren (insta, @griefgurlwithocd), one on men's health, published 5 days ago, a post with helpful comments on @kimberleyquinlan's insta, you have to scroll on her page to find her post on bisexuality and OCD, and just today I found the account @notdefining on Insta, where Mark talks about this exact experience in posts whilst being in a 'hetero' marriage. I guess I've been seeking assurance in some ways, but mostly I need this community as it's such a specific sub-sub type of OCD so I totally understand the absolute anguish it causes you, as it eats me up too. I am so happy in my relationship with my boyfriend but I have debilitating thoughts of should I be with a woman on paper, am I attracted to women more, etc, and this spirals me into a habit of checking online, catching myself checking my attraction to men/women in different ways to calculate my attraction levels, reassuring myself etc. I hope this helps. You and I are not alone!
- Date posted
- 3y
Omg! Thank you so much for responding! It makes me feel so much better and less alone. I will dec check out those resources. I have been going through this on and off for about 2 years now and it's taken a big toll on me and the intimacy in my relationship cause I do all those same kinds of compulsions you mentioned, checking attraction levels, comparing etc... but I think the worst compulsions that come with it are comparing to all of the comphet information and "signs of being gay" sort of media I see online all the time. It has totally warped my perception of my attraction to men to the point where I am always compulsively checking and overthinking! Are you doing work with an ocd therapist?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Whatabtme In addition, I realized kinda later on that I was bi, not until I was in college, so that aspect of things always intensifies my ocd more. I realized well before I met my current boyfriend but the fact that I was already like 19 or 20 when I came out as bi always makes me super double down on the ocd thoughts that I could realize late in the game that I am gay too
- Date posted
- 3y
I'm so glad. When I saw your post I just wanted to help because I truly understand, and I've been seeking out others in the same boat to feel less alone. Those resources are great so definitely do in your own time. I know how all consuming it can get with the mental checks! I am seeing a bisexually affirmed therapist based in the UK as I am from there. I've just started but she's amazing and she's called @bi.affirmativetherapist or similar on Insta. She understands OCD and anxiety and loosely diagnosed me but also specialises in working with bisexual people and sexually compulsive behaviour so I thought that would be helpful as it's not a straight out OCD issue if you get me? But nocd do provide therapists who cover all themes too. Same here with the lateness of things. I'm 30 and only last year was I owning my bisexuality and knowing it fully. I had years where I thought I was gay or more gay than straight, whatever that means, but romantically pursued guys and just pushed it to the back of my mind. For me so much has been about control and being 'fine' and pressure. Since I have been free and open with my partner and fully myself the OCD has hit, because I'm finally accepting and happy, so it's going after this stuff and causing doubt. I guess I'd say with your worries is that right now, you say you are not gay. Right now, you are happy and choose to be with your partner. Future proofing is useless. But also, sexuality is a spectrum!! Everyone is on that somewhere and we are making it easier for the next generations to be less black and white, because that is not truthful to the population, and it's been proven in many studies and stats. My bf after speaking to me was like, I'm probs not 100% straight. I don't think many people are 100% gay or straight over a lifetime, most are conditioned to think they should be. Lisa Diamond has done amazing research on the fluidity of all sexualities. I've spent hours looking at all the research to keep teaching myself this, so I still struggle, but as soon as we stop obsessing over labelling and being one specific thing we can actually breathe in the acceptance. Easier said than done ofc!
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate the chance to connect and bridge the gap of loneliness with our specific circumstances. I've been doing erp therapy with nocd to address my obsessions around this, and my boyfriend actually has ocd himself so I'm very open with him about my struggles. Idk what I'd do if I couldn't talk to him about it, but it definitely makes things a bit more bearable. But you're right! Ultimately the obsessing over labeling and specifics gets in the way of acceptance and i think that's what's fueling my ocd lately! Easier said than done like you said. Thank you thank you again for sharing. I've felt so alone for so long. <3
- Date posted
- 3y
@Whatabtme Thanks so much for opening up about it! That's great you've been doing ERP. I'm starting CBT soon, and may try ERP with nocd sometime as well. That is so so good you can communicate openly with him - I think it's the most important thing you can do. My boyfriend knows about everything and even though it felt hard it was the best thing I've done, and he is so madly supportive. I also did a scary thing and told my parents today, who literally couldn't have less of an idea of OCD, but they've been great considering. Being open really is key! I'm always here to chat and I hope you find more solace in others experiencing the same thing! <3
- Date posted
- 3y
Comment deleted by user
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes, but people often give reassurance to people with soocd framed as "the thoughts aren't true that you like X gender" and when it's framed like that, it is actually exclusive of bisexual and pansexual people
- Date posted
- 3y
So long sorry! But I really feel strongly about it, and I'm doing better after a therapy session this afternoon.
- Date posted
- 2y
I also wanna add that I grew up loving men primarily, having crushes on them , and yes dealt with unhealthy information about sex from society/porn and unhealthy christian teachings. Also I have enjoyed having sex with men and being in relationships with them. Sex to me was something you did in relationships with someone you love and trust minus me doing the opposite too many times. I’ve a lot of scars because I gave my virginity before ready. I have also come to a point of feeling brainwashed. I’m also so isolated and the pandemic put a wrench in my life so I think it’s so complex. Also thoughts of you can’t be bi because you would be thinking of men more or your sapphic leaning so how are you allowed to be with a man if you’re not gonna want sex etc….. I feel guilty tired of all of this.
- Date posted
- 2y
Last comment. I’ve also gone down the road of looking into the possibilities of being demisexual as well because I have experienced that indicated I very well could be towards men.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
Do you guys talk anymore , I like women and trans women like genitalia of both not necessarily men: I know I fall on the bisexual spectrum and my ocd latches out , how do you do erp. I seen things for homosexual and straight but not for me I probably 80/20 most straight but my attractions flip flop as when I with someone in real I prefer women and fantasy wise I fantasize about both. But most the trans women and male genitalia . This latches on to my ocd as when I was younger I didn’t care
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚
- Date posted
- 23w
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
- Date posted
- 11w
I wouldn’t really say I have SO-OCD, but it manifests in some areas of my TOCD. Like if I see a woman for example my thoughts will go “what if I like her but as a man?” like my thoughts say I’m a straight man instead of a straight woman. And it’s really bothering me. If I see an attractive woman my brain will re-wire and imagine myself as a man looking at an attraction woman and it gets super uncomfortable that I have to like shake my head and say “no no no no no” multiple times to get the thought out. I know that counts as a compulsion but it’s hard to not do it because it’s so triggering. Now I don’t mind if I like women, however I’m really scared that I’m actually a straight man who likes women (or at least a bisexual man, considering I like men) and I hate it because I don’t want to be a man. Like I’ll think of my desired relationship as a woman dating a man but my OCD will switch it up to me being the man dating the woman, which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to be a man at all and I don’t want to date a woman, both of those are the opposite of my desires, but I’m still so scared. I’ll accept myself if I actually like women and am a bisexual woman, however I heard that being bisexual can mean being trans which scares me (for the record it was said in reddit by a sub which is mainly focused on a pseudoscientific phenomenon, that is still believed by the members to be true, so it’s definitely not a trustworthy statement, but my OCD will use anything to work against me) Does anyone here relate a little? 🥲
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