- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Omg this is me too!! You have LITERALLY described my life and situation, and I totally feel you. The good news is, there is stuff out there on this (I have done so much research and am finding new pieces every so often). There is an article on iocdf.org about double invalidation by Elle Warren (insta, @griefgurlwithocd), one on men's health, published 5 days ago, a post with helpful comments on @kimberleyquinlan's insta, you have to scroll on her page to find her post on bisexuality and OCD, and just today I found the account @notdefining on Insta, where Mark talks about this exact experience in posts whilst being in a 'hetero' marriage. I guess I've been seeking assurance in some ways, but mostly I need this community as it's such a specific sub-sub type of OCD so I totally understand the absolute anguish it causes you, as it eats me up too. I am so happy in my relationship with my boyfriend but I have debilitating thoughts of should I be with a woman on paper, am I attracted to women more, etc, and this spirals me into a habit of checking online, catching myself checking my attraction to men/women in different ways to calculate my attraction levels, reassuring myself etc. I hope this helps. You and I are not alone!
- Date posted
- 3y
Omg! Thank you so much for responding! It makes me feel so much better and less alone. I will dec check out those resources. I have been going through this on and off for about 2 years now and it's taken a big toll on me and the intimacy in my relationship cause I do all those same kinds of compulsions you mentioned, checking attraction levels, comparing etc... but I think the worst compulsions that come with it are comparing to all of the comphet information and "signs of being gay" sort of media I see online all the time. It has totally warped my perception of my attraction to men to the point where I am always compulsively checking and overthinking! Are you doing work with an ocd therapist?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Whatabtme In addition, I realized kinda later on that I was bi, not until I was in college, so that aspect of things always intensifies my ocd more. I realized well before I met my current boyfriend but the fact that I was already like 19 or 20 when I came out as bi always makes me super double down on the ocd thoughts that I could realize late in the game that I am gay too
- Date posted
- 3y
I'm so glad. When I saw your post I just wanted to help because I truly understand, and I've been seeking out others in the same boat to feel less alone. Those resources are great so definitely do in your own time. I know how all consuming it can get with the mental checks! I am seeing a bisexually affirmed therapist based in the UK as I am from there. I've just started but she's amazing and she's called @bi.affirmativetherapist or similar on Insta. She understands OCD and anxiety and loosely diagnosed me but also specialises in working with bisexual people and sexually compulsive behaviour so I thought that would be helpful as it's not a straight out OCD issue if you get me? But nocd do provide therapists who cover all themes too. Same here with the lateness of things. I'm 30 and only last year was I owning my bisexuality and knowing it fully. I had years where I thought I was gay or more gay than straight, whatever that means, but romantically pursued guys and just pushed it to the back of my mind. For me so much has been about control and being 'fine' and pressure. Since I have been free and open with my partner and fully myself the OCD has hit, because I'm finally accepting and happy, so it's going after this stuff and causing doubt. I guess I'd say with your worries is that right now, you say you are not gay. Right now, you are happy and choose to be with your partner. Future proofing is useless. But also, sexuality is a spectrum!! Everyone is on that somewhere and we are making it easier for the next generations to be less black and white, because that is not truthful to the population, and it's been proven in many studies and stats. My bf after speaking to me was like, I'm probs not 100% straight. I don't think many people are 100% gay or straight over a lifetime, most are conditioned to think they should be. Lisa Diamond has done amazing research on the fluidity of all sexualities. I've spent hours looking at all the research to keep teaching myself this, so I still struggle, but as soon as we stop obsessing over labelling and being one specific thing we can actually breathe in the acceptance. Easier said than done ofc!
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate the chance to connect and bridge the gap of loneliness with our specific circumstances. I've been doing erp therapy with nocd to address my obsessions around this, and my boyfriend actually has ocd himself so I'm very open with him about my struggles. Idk what I'd do if I couldn't talk to him about it, but it definitely makes things a bit more bearable. But you're right! Ultimately the obsessing over labeling and specifics gets in the way of acceptance and i think that's what's fueling my ocd lately! Easier said than done like you said. Thank you thank you again for sharing. I've felt so alone for so long. <3
- Date posted
- 3y
@Whatabtme Thanks so much for opening up about it! That's great you've been doing ERP. I'm starting CBT soon, and may try ERP with nocd sometime as well. That is so so good you can communicate openly with him - I think it's the most important thing you can do. My boyfriend knows about everything and even though it felt hard it was the best thing I've done, and he is so madly supportive. I also did a scary thing and told my parents today, who literally couldn't have less of an idea of OCD, but they've been great considering. Being open really is key! I'm always here to chat and I hope you find more solace in others experiencing the same thing! <3
- Date posted
- 3y
Comment deleted by user
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes, but people often give reassurance to people with soocd framed as "the thoughts aren't true that you like X gender" and when it's framed like that, it is actually exclusive of bisexual and pansexual people
- Date posted
- 3y
So long sorry! But I really feel strongly about it, and I'm doing better after a therapy session this afternoon.
- Date posted
- 2y
I also wanna add that I grew up loving men primarily, having crushes on them , and yes dealt with unhealthy information about sex from society/porn and unhealthy christian teachings. Also I have enjoyed having sex with men and being in relationships with them. Sex to me was something you did in relationships with someone you love and trust minus me doing the opposite too many times. I’ve a lot of scars because I gave my virginity before ready. I have also come to a point of feeling brainwashed. I’m also so isolated and the pandemic put a wrench in my life so I think it’s so complex. Also thoughts of you can’t be bi because you would be thinking of men more or your sapphic leaning so how are you allowed to be with a man if you’re not gonna want sex etc….. I feel guilty tired of all of this.
- Date posted
- 2y
Last comment. I’ve also gone down the road of looking into the possibilities of being demisexual as well because I have experienced that indicated I very well could be towards men.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
Do you guys talk anymore , I like women and trans women like genitalia of both not necessarily men: I know I fall on the bisexual spectrum and my ocd latches out , how do you do erp. I seen things for homosexual and straight but not for me I probably 80/20 most straight but my attractions flip flop as when I with someone in real I prefer women and fantasy wise I fantasize about both. But most the trans women and male genitalia . This latches on to my ocd as when I was younger I didn’t care
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???
- Date posted
- 14w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
- Date posted
- 14w
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
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