How do you know if you really love someone

So I have intense relationship doubts about if I’m really in love or just attached to the security and companionship my partner brings. It started with knit-picking the way she jokes/talks about me and like sometimes i didn’t like how she looked in her glasses, then It was fantasizing about other woman thinking i must not be in love if I do that, then it was the fact that we couldn’t have deep talks without it being over an argument. If i truly loved her I wouldn’t be knit-picking her, I wouldn’t fantasize about other woman, I wouldn’t feel like we have something missing like having deep talks but then again I feel so much affection and care for her and what I assume is LOVE. So what is it?!? When I found out about ROCD i was quick to self diagnosed. I felt like that’s what I could have and for me my compulsions would be: searching up am I in love or attached quizzes, or searching up signs i’m truly in love. But although these compulsions provided relief for a bit, I always had a small voice/feeling/intuition telling me this isn’t right and I’m denying myself the truth which was that I’m not actually in love and just looking for a reason to justify staying in this relationship without feeling the guilt that I don’t really love her and just love her presence. We have broken up about 5 times but each time I run back to her within 24 hrs because I miss being with her and feel so sad to cause us both emotional pain. Is this ROCD or just attachment to the relationship and having her be mine.

I know it’s long but plz read :( have been having really bad ocd about my relationship and my partner and it has gotten worse and worse over the span of like about nine months I’d say. I do acknowledge there are flaws and legit issues about him and the relationship like there are with anyone but I also know ocd has clouded my judgement and perception by analyzing everything and compulsions. For a while I kept feeling this need to get out which I know was ocd. I was really scared to spend the weekend with him because I thought I would just be annoyed and irritated cause it’s been that way for a while but he also was going through a period of high stress so maybe I was resenting him for that and I also wasn’t communicating how I should have been when I was upset because I’ve done that too much in the past. This weekend I was told in therapy to just be in the moment and not have to worry about trying to answer the question of do I love him or should I break up. It did help but It’s weird cause this weekend ended up better but I also was kind of numb? Like I was enjoying myself but didn’t feel what I always have felt in the past? Anyway, I am really anxious because i feel like if I loved him I would be supportive of when his parents compliment him or when he does well at something when instead all I think of are that I’m not happy or annoyed because of things he does that upset me or make me mad and it’s like that’s the only way my brain wants to see him as a person. Or when he is upset it feels like I don’t care like I used to because I think of how he doesn’t deserve this when he does this or he shouldn’t have this when he is like this etc. Why does my brain automatically go there? That’s horrible! I feel like I should be excited for him, rooting for him. But it also feels like I do care for him? But my thoughts keep changing. I am afraid I only am with him because I love that he loves me and how he treats me. This makes me feel selfish cause I can’t do that. I notice I still like when he cuddles me and is sweet to me and does fun things watching movies etc. And that’s not how it used to feeel which scares me because I don’t want to be without him. I also love his parents am I only with him cause of how his parents treat me? I feel so selfish and like I have to tell him and break up with him cause it’s the right thing to do. I never used to feel like this. I’m scared. Is it possible I’m just I’ve been mad and resenting how it’s been cause he’s been stressed mix with my ocd? My therapist said relationships can go through phases. Can I fall back in love with him again? I feel like I have to try to start with someone else like this is too far gone. I don’t want to stay in something where I don’t feel toward him the way I want to but I really don’t want to leave him. I feel like such an awful person cause he doesn’t deserve this and is so caring and loving despite everything the major thing that bugs me is how he gets irritable a lot which is an imperfection that makes me get anxious and question him😭 trying not to read into this and just follow what the therapist said but this is scaring me because I feel like if I loved him I wouldn’t think like this or feel like this.

I don’t know if I love him. I don’t think I do. I want to. I want to so fucking bad. I loved him. Before this I loved him so deeply we were such a good match but lately. Maybe just the past month were either fighting or not talking. Ik all couples go through rough patches. But this feels more. I wanan work through this. Ik all the problems are my fault. The jealousy, the resentment, the anger. It’s all on me. I’m the problem. But idk how to fix it. Idk how to stop being mad when he talks abt spending time with his friends. Idk how to stop being sad when he leaves to hang out with them. Idk how to not cry myself to sleep when he wants alone time. I wanna be with him. I want this relationship. But the good is so few and far between. The laughter and smiles is so fleeting. So much of my time is spent wondering if he hates me or if I hate him. I don’t wanna hate him. I wanna build a life with him. I see a future with him. But idk if I’ll ever truly be happy with him cuz of my jealousy and the fear I don’t love him. I try. I try so hard. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling but it’s so hard to make that choice when my brain tells me he wouldn’t make that choice. When I feel like he hates me and I’m boring him. When I’m insecure I feel so mad and angry that I can’t love him. I can’t feel any good feelings I’m just mad. And I hate it. I want us to be happy but I just know he likes being around them more. I just know I’m a chore to him. And I hate it. I love him. I love his beautiful face and his laugh. I love when we’re happy and good. And ik relationships require sticking it out through the bad. But I feel so guilty and so mad at the same time. I think abt are future and this pit is in my stomach and idk if it’s cuz im rlly anxious rn cuz i feel like he doesn’t love me or cuz i really don’t wanna be with him. I wanna be with him. I want him so fucking much. And I care abt him. But the constant questioning of my feelings and his feelings is driving me crazy. Idk what’s real and what’s fake. This relationship feels doomed and if it is idk if I’m gunna be able to handle the breakup. I love him. I care abt him. I want us to be together forever. I wanna grow old with him. But idk how to stop the bad feelings. How to stop the anxiety and anger. I just wanna love him and he love me. I pray for it every night and I try to be a good person but I’m so jealous and scared I keep ruing it. Idk what I want from this. Reassurance ig. Like can our relationship survive what’s happening? Is there a way to get better? To stop being jealous of him doing things without me. I don’t wanna become a bitter hateful gf. I just want us to be together and happy. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling. Ik you have to choose your partner every day even when you don’t want to and it sucks. But I’m so tired of feeling this. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I wanna be happy in this relationship. Ik deep down he’s the one for me. Ik I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m with him. But idk if I truelly love him or if I’m just scared of losing all that we’ve built. Idk. Has anyone been where I’m at and if so how did you get through it? How do you get through the constant worrying abt both yours and your partners feelings?