it's like now i am okay with being gay? no panic?????

there's like so many "proof" from my childhood, yet i am ignoring them and choosing not to ruminate or give them meaning. is that denial?

@Lilyrosalynd No one can answer that question for you and you are not in a position to answer it right now. Just let it lie. Sit with the uncertainty. Don’t try to prove anything.

@CaptainKierkegaard but if it were ocd i wouldn't be able to just not ruminate over it like i am now doing, right? :(

@Lilyrosalynd Well, for one, the fact that you have OCD over your sexual orientation doesn’t tell you what your sexual orientation is. You don’t acheive security by indulging your OCD so much that you know it’s OCD and not your actual sexual orientation. You could still be anywhere on the sexual orientation spectrum (if it’s even a valid way of classifying sexuality). As an example, think about a different type of OCD: just because someone fears that they will be contaminated by dog saliva as an obsession doesn’t mean they cannot be contaminated with dog saliva or that they never will be contaminated. In order to recover from their OCD, they need not believe that they can never be contaminated, because that’s impossible and also delusional. Instead, they learn to sit with the uncertainty. The same thing applies to SOOCD. It is possible you are gay even if your obsession is that you fear you are gay just like it’s possible to be contaminated even if your obsession is that you fear being contaminated. You also may be straight. Don’t answer the question while you’re in this state of checking and looking for reassurance. Just leave it alone. Let yourself be uncertain. Secondly, you are hella ruminating rn. Or at least you are trying to use this community to check or get reassurance which are compulsions. I can’t know what’s really going on in your head, but your comments make it seem like you are going through an episode. This does not mean you aren’t (or are) gay. It means you need to take care of your mental health. That is more important than knowing your sexuality.

@Lilyrosalynd Choosing not to ruminate is not denial, that is what recovery looks like. What you are experiencing is common and is known as the “back door spike.” You’ve been so panicked for so long that now that that’s gone it’s hard to know what to think.