Hi I just wanna vent how I’m feeling and what’s going on, For the longest I can remember now OCD has plagued my life I’ve recovered from it and have entered back to where I am and am arguably worse then ever. My themes are so many I cant even recognise but they centre arlund harm. I’m so scared I’m emotionally broken I keep searching for answers by searching how I feel and that has caused me to shut down emotionally as it’s gotten to a point where I couldn’t cry anymore and I couldn’t take anymore pain. I just want to cry it’s been 2 months I am in so much pain I just want to let it out but I can’t it’s like it’s stuck behind my eyes. I want to cry for weeks there’s that much there. I’ve become emotionally numb which has helped with anxiety but it’s the only thing I feel strongly and doesn’t help with harm ocd, I have scrutinised every feeling I’ve had trying to feel the perfect feeling and not feel like a secret sociopath or serial killer where most the thoughts I just don’t react anymore because I’ve had them all. Im severely depressed, I feel tiny moment of love and care but it feels like I’ve lost these abilities that give life meaning like love and empathy. I keep questioning is life even that good, why does it matter if I do these horrible thoughts, everyone is a secret sociopath, no one cares about u, you want to do these evil thoughts and I just feel hopeless. I’ll never feel how I want to feel, I want to help people I want to want to be kind. I don’t even know at this point what I actually want, is it I want to do these things or am I convincing myself into it. Do I want to hurt people or am I convincing myself out of it. I’m so tired of fighting it’s caused me so much pain, my family is amazing they do so much for me, but my brain is convincing me that they don’t and it makes me feel like they don’t care, I feel like I’m watching life from outside my body, I’m scared I don’t feel emotions strongly. I’m tierd I just want to cry and let out all these emotions, I just don’t want to hurt people. But I’m to tierd to care. Im angry because of how much OCD has taken from me, I’m angry because of how shitty I feel, the world just feel dark and gross, it just feels like it’ll never get better. I use to be a happy person I was very emotional person, I cried when someone else cried, my favourite thing to do is make a differnce in someone’s life, I felt hopeful about life I appreciated the e beauty of life. Now I question everything from why we experience emotions to why I do the things I do and I always feel opposite to how I feel. I can’t even describe how I feel anymore cause I don’t know what I feel. I just hope most days I don’t wake up, life is a struggle and OCD is torture, it’s a bully, it causes so much pain, it strips the beauty from life it makes me doubt everything and is pain. I just hope I get better and I hope everyone gets better to live a happy life.