- Username
- BradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y ago
The last few days I’ve been feeling as if maybe I want it and I’m just rejecting what I really want. But if someone were to come up to right now and take this all awyay from me I’d be so happy
I really empathize with you as I have both themes, but I am a woman. My OCD has tried to convince me that I need to leave my husband and be with women, even though I know I have no desire to do that. I believe I am in denial and just living a lie with my husband. I questions if I ever really liked men. Then I question if I am bi then it goes back to straight, lesbian, bi and back again 🤣 It truly is a mind f***. Just know you aren't alone.
Yep that’s exactly it. I have had no time in my life where I’ve wanted to be with a man or even contemplated it. I feel like I’ve spent so long obsessing over it with HOCD that the prospect has become inevitable I feel as if I had no choice anymore. It has completely diminished by attraction to women because I have become derealised through the compulsive checking. I can’t even look a man in the eye anymore because I fear I’ll ‘fall in love’ or want to “be with them sexually.” Somedays I’m convinced I do and then every now and then I get a glimmer of hope that I don’t have to leave the women I love and then it’s stolen from me again. But as I right all of this I’m consumed with the feeling of denial
I feel the same way. I’m so tired and want to go back to my old self. I’ve been this way for about a month now and it’s torture. I miss the old days when I could wake up in the morning and go about my day as a normal person. Instead now I woke up to the instant thought of “am I gay” and the rumination instantly begins all. Day. Long.
I’ve even started questioning whether or not I’ve ever been sexually satisfied and now I’m consumed by this notion that my level of satisfaction isn’t enough? But I want it to be, and I think it is but how could I ever know without trying but I don’t want to have to try being with a man
We will never know. Hopefully therapy will help with this. How did yours begin? Mine began with a Tik tok of a woman who was engaged but then called it off because she decided she was bi.
Mine actuallt started with it being purely relationship based OCD and questioning my love for my partner etc… one day I was watching tv and someone mentioned they were gay. And it was literally just hearing that word that started this obsession off.
Yes, mine started off as relationship anxiety then I got the thought "I like girls" randomly one day and then it was relationship ocd and hocd in one. I've even had intrusive thoughts about my husband being gay 🤦
I’ve reached a breaking point and people seem to be noticing. A week ago somebody had moved something at work on my desk and it bothered me so much it sent me into a breakdown. Like I’ve always had ocd and the more I think about it I feel like I’ve always had ROCD because growing up I’d have such strong feelings for boys and then as soon as I was about to date them, cut them off because in my head I was scared they would have to settle. Like I’d purposely find something I don’t like about them and then get scared I’d have to spend my life with them. I was 15, why would I be marrying them??? in my head it made sense though. Every connection I had with a boy was alway ruined with these thoughts. I’d be out on a date and then see another cute boy and then be like wow do I really want to go any further with the guy I’m on a date with if there are so many other guys out there??? How do I know they’re the one?? I didn’t even know ROCD was a thing but it makes sense that I’ve had it all my life right?? I always passed it off as being really picky but now it just seems like ROCD. And then my family really honing in on my relationships and asking when I’d get a boyfriend really fucked with me. In my head I’d be like “I’ll get one when I find the right one” but to them I always had a feeling they thought I was just gay. Like I’d get so defensive like hello I’m just picky!!! Then everyone at work started asking and the more they’d ask the more I’d start to worry. I’d be more cautious of the way I’d dress and things I’d do and I’m starting to think that all that started to build up and now I have HOCD. Does that seem like a possibility to anyone? because now the intrusive thoughts are just “what if you’re not picky and you’re just gay?” but then I think back to all the times and all the feelings I’ve had for so many guys that got ruined because of my fears of commitment. Could it have been ROCD all along?
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?
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