I’ve got a point where I feel like I’m leading my girlfriend on with my HOCD. If we ever have an argument (which is rare anyway) it adds to my OCD evidence. Every time I read a coming out story I find a little nugget in it I relate to but it still just doesn’t make any sense to me. I feel like OCD has stripped me apart and changed me into something I don’t want to be, but I have no choice but to go along with it. I keep going back over my past and finding evidence that I was in denial I all along and it’s just getting too much because the evidence doesn’t make me feel better, or feel relieved it just makes me feel awful. As if I have no choice in the matter and I just have to do what my brain tells me it wants. This all started when my ROCD was really bad and I literally just heard someone mention the word “gay” on the TV and that became my latest obsession and now I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t OCD at all maybe I’m just gay and in denial but I don’t want to be, but it feels like I have no choice. I was so in love before all of this and it’s taken it all anyway.

The last few days I’ve been feeling as if maybe I want it and I’m just rejecting what I really want. But if someone were to come up to right now and take this all awyay from me I’d be so happy

I really empathize with you as I have both themes, but I am a woman. My OCD has tried to convince me that I need to leave my husband and be with women, even though I know I have no desire to do that. I believe I am in denial and just living a lie with my husband. I questions if I ever really liked men. Then I question if I am bi then it goes back to straight, lesbian, bi and back again 🤣 It truly is a mind f***. Just know you aren't alone.

Yep that’s exactly it. I have had no time in my life where I’ve wanted to be with a man or even contemplated it. I feel like I’ve spent so long obsessing over it with HOCD that the prospect has become inevitable I feel as if I had no choice anymore. It has completely diminished by attraction to women because I have become derealised through the compulsive checking. I can’t even look a man in the eye anymore because I fear I’ll ‘fall in love’ or want to “be with them sexually.” Somedays I’m convinced I do and then every now and then I get a glimmer of hope that I don’t have to leave the women I love and then it’s stolen from me again. But as I right all of this I’m consumed with the feeling of denial

I feel the same way. I’m so tired and want to go back to my old self. I’ve been this way for about a month now and it’s torture. I miss the old days when I could wake up in the morning and go about my day as a normal person. Instead now I woke up to the instant thought of “am I gay” and the rumination instantly begins all. Day. Long.

I’ve even started questioning whether or not I’ve ever been sexually satisfied and now I’m consumed by this notion that my level of satisfaction isn’t enough? But I want it to be, and I think it is but how could I ever know without trying but I don’t want to have to try being with a man

We will never know. Hopefully therapy will help with this. How did yours begin? Mine began with a Tik tok of a woman who was engaged but then called it off because she decided she was bi.

Mine actuallt started with it being purely relationship based OCD and questioning my love for my partner etc… one day I was watching tv and someone mentioned they were gay. And it was literally just hearing that word that started this obsession off.