- Username
- BradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y ago
The last few days I’ve been feeling as if maybe I want it and I’m just rejecting what I really want. But if someone were to come up to right now and take this all awyay from me I’d be so happy
I really empathize with you as I have both themes, but I am a woman. My OCD has tried to convince me that I need to leave my husband and be with women, even though I know I have no desire to do that. I believe I am in denial and just living a lie with my husband. I questions if I ever really liked men. Then I question if I am bi then it goes back to straight, lesbian, bi and back again 🤣 It truly is a mind f***. Just know you aren't alone.
Yep that’s exactly it. I have had no time in my life where I’ve wanted to be with a man or even contemplated it. I feel like I’ve spent so long obsessing over it with HOCD that the prospect has become inevitable I feel as if I had no choice anymore. It has completely diminished by attraction to women because I have become derealised through the compulsive checking. I can’t even look a man in the eye anymore because I fear I’ll ‘fall in love’ or want to “be with them sexually.” Somedays I’m convinced I do and then every now and then I get a glimmer of hope that I don’t have to leave the women I love and then it’s stolen from me again. But as I right all of this I’m consumed with the feeling of denial
I feel the same way. I’m so tired and want to go back to my old self. I’ve been this way for about a month now and it’s torture. I miss the old days when I could wake up in the morning and go about my day as a normal person. Instead now I woke up to the instant thought of “am I gay” and the rumination instantly begins all. Day. Long.
I’ve even started questioning whether or not I’ve ever been sexually satisfied and now I’m consumed by this notion that my level of satisfaction isn’t enough? But I want it to be, and I think it is but how could I ever know without trying but I don’t want to have to try being with a man
We will never know. Hopefully therapy will help with this. How did yours begin? Mine began with a Tik tok of a woman who was engaged but then called it off because she decided she was bi.
Mine actuallt started with it being purely relationship based OCD and questioning my love for my partner etc… one day I was watching tv and someone mentioned they were gay. And it was literally just hearing that word that started this obsession off.
Yes, mine started off as relationship anxiety then I got the thought "I like girls" randomly one day and then it was relationship ocd and hocd in one. I've even had intrusive thoughts about my husband being gay 🤦
I’m tired of my “HOCD”. I don’t even know if it’s OCD. I’ve never thought I was gay before in my life and now it’s convinced me that deep down I want to be with a man. I can barely talk to my girlfriend without having intrusive thoughts. I can’t even tell an intrusive thought from a feee flowing thought anymore. I try to make myself think about women and it keeps happening. Even when I look forward to something in the future I’ll get a thought “but you’re gay”. I’m tired. I’ve talked to some of my friends and family and it’s a weird issue. No one else is going through this that I know of. If all I think about all day is being gay then I must be gay. Even if I find reassurance it’s not enough I don’t even accept it. Maybe this all happened for a reason. I’m never going to wake up and these thoughts won’t be there. I don’t even care anymore, I’ll just be alone or be gay.
HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?
Why do I feel like I’m going through something different to everyone else on here. I used to relate to everyone’s posts so much and now I just don’t. Everyday gets harder but none of it makes sense, I genuinely feel my sexuality has been altered by OCD. I was perfectly happy and content with my life and then bang the ROCD and HOCD kicked in like a huge brick coming to ruin everything. And the worst part is it makes me feel so convinced, like I want it, sometimes I can’t even tell if it’s made me happy or depressed, sad or angry, anxious or excited. I feel like I’m in the deepest denial
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