My heart hurts so much right now. I am a mother of two and I am afraid to be near my children. Two weeks ago, everything was fine. I never had an intrusive thought about them at all. My mother recently told me that my father SA’ed me and I do not remember it because I was too little to remember. Well, while trying to cope with that information… I had a terrible intrusive thought. “What if I become like my father?” “What if you’re attracted to you kids?” I instantly felt sick, I threw up and then I could NOT stop thinking. I keep getting this horrible sinking feeling near them. I keep crying and missing how simple it was before. I love them so much and it’s only pure mother love. I don’t even have any urges it makes no sense why I can’t let this thought go. I just want to go back to being their mommy. I was looking at videos of when they were tiny babies or even from a few weeks ago and just crying because it was just simple and life was amazing and I cherished my children… now I am afraid to be near them. I told my boyfriend because I was having such terrible anxiety from this and I’ve been in a dark place. He knows I’ve had other obsessions and panic attacks so he is being very helpful through this. He says he trusts me and knows I would never harm our kids. But I keep feeling so guilty for even having this thought at all.

My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest BIGGEST fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so so wanted in the moment and SO real. Which I don't understand. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support?

Hi everyone, This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I’ve struggled with POCD for a while — intrusive thoughts that go against everything I believe in. I’ve never acted on them before. I’ve always been terrified of them and done everything to avoid them. But something happened the other night that I can’t stop replaying, and it’s tearing me apart. I was in that in-between state — not fully asleep, not fully awake. I was dreaming that something was “okay,” and in that moment, I moved my child’s hand toward me in a way I now feel completely ashamed of. I wasn’t aware of fully choosing it, but I remember it. I remember that it felt like I was following the dream, like my brain said it was okay. And the part I can’t stop obsessing over — that’s destroying me — is that in the dream, my child said, “no.” That moment makes me feel like the worst human being on the planet. I don’t know if he said it out loud or if it was part of the dream. But it felt real, and now I feel broken. I love my child more than anything. The fact that this happened — even in a foggy, dreamlike state — makes me feel like I crossed an unforgivable line. I’m not here to excuse it. I’m not here to get reassurance that it didn’t happen. I’m just trying to find someone — anyone — who has experienced something like this. Acting or moving in a way during sleep or semi-consciousness that your waking self would never do. I don’t know how to live with this guilt. I feel sick, ashamed, and like I’ve ruined everything. Please be kind. I’ve never felt more alone in my life, and I don’t know how to move forward from this.

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing