Im having thoughts which I dont even know are intrusive or not towards girls. Rumination and overthinking has brainwashed me so much, I was reading my comments on ocd videos when it first started and i cant recognize or feel emotion towards my own words. I was sure it was ocd back then, I was sure that I was straight and liked women and not men I was sure of many things but it feels like all that was accidental and all the rumination(if thats what it was) led me to today giving these urges, feelings and thoughts and that these are the real me and I believe in it too. All the shit ocd put me through makes sense when I put the pieces together, Idk what I have done to myself. Im genuinely scared that Im gay now, If I told a therapist all my thoughts they would think this too, I dont really want to commit ßuicide but its the only way out it seems, Im too far gone

Okay mate everything is going to be okay. Whatever you think you are or are not is distressing you and that’s okay. I feel exactly the same. It’s a bit like you realise you have OCD and then start thinking “has my whole life been OCD.” But you know that up until this episode you felt better than you do now? The constant thinking doesn’t make you feel better and that’s the OCD. Even if you think you’re okay with the thoughts, the fact you’re constantly thinking about it means you’re not? Because if you were okay with it you wouldn’t have to constantly think about it. But OCD is clever and powerful and makes you question everything around you, or we wouldn’t be spending so much time worrying about it. I was like you “I’m sure this is OCD” and then that turned to “I’m not so sure” to I’m completely sure it isn’t. But you have to remind yourself that if it wasn’t OCD you wouldn’t spend every hour thinking about that thing. Because if it was the real answer you would’ve stopped thinking by now because your OCD would see that as you being “safe.” OCD is so powerful man!

I feel the same. It is almost like you’ve done so much searching that you’ve found some things you wouldn’t have if you hadn’t had looked so much. What I tell myself now is “I don’t need to do anything right now.” If I really deep inside wanted to do something I would’ve by now. And also I rekon if you gave anyone this amount of time to think so hard tbey would find “evidence” that they might be not the orientation tbey thought they were. But the difference is those things that happened in the past had never bothered me before or made me question anything, it’s only now with OCD that everything has meaning. And remember OCD is like an elaborate escape plan, and we’ve had months to put one together. Our OCD is now thinking “wow I’ve done a good job here look at my solid escape plan I’ve put together… now I just need to disguise it as being something they want then they’ll be safe.”