I’ve never been the type of person to open up about myself but these last 3 months have been the hardest, worst time of my life. I’m 16 years old, and I’ve been anxious and had anxiety my whole life. Over the last couple years I’ve learned how to cope with my anxiety and be a happy person. But one night in January, i was watching random videos on YouTube, and a video about serial killers came on. I’ve always been interested in crime shows/documentaries, so I didn’t think twice before deciding to click on it. In the middle of the video I had this intrusive thought that said “why do people murder loved ones or innocent people” and “what does it feel like to kill somebody” I am not aggressive, or have ever caused harm, but these thoughts scared me to death. I felt a instant shock of anxiety and panic immediately. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned my phone off and went to bed hoping the next day I would forget about it. Unfortunately I never forgot about the thoughts, and still have intrusive thoughts that affect my day to day life. I feel so hopeless, even after seeing a therapist, and being on Prozac for 5 weeks I don’t feel a difference. Every time I try to be positive and tell myself “they’re just thoughts” ocd tells me, “yeah sure, but what if you did these things”? “What if you WANT to do these things”? I stress that I might actually want to do these horrible things secretly and am convinced that one day I will commit these crimes. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so hopeless, and even being around my girlfriend who used to bring me so much joy, I still can’t be my regular self. Please I feel so hopeless and sad I can’t even do the things I used to enjoy, remembering I have these thoughts is with me 24/7 from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Anybody have advice? Sorry for the rant I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want to be normal again and enjoy being around my family and my girlfriend again

Wow heiz, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Are you seeing an ocd specialist? I had the same take control of my life in August. When i saw a news story of someone who killed his wife and children. This made me ask myself all of the same questions you mentioned above and it came with this urge to act on these thoughts. It was absolutely terrifying!!!!! I have since been working on eating healthier (google ocd foods), meditating, exercising, forcing myself to go to work every day, forcing myself to do things that I once enjoyed. It has helped some. I’m switching therapists to an ocd specialist in new your that does therapy via Skype. But when this first happened it was all I could think about all day until I went to bed. And the second I would wake up either to take a leak or wake up for the day it was the first thing on my mind. It sucks but will get better.

I’m in my 30’s and he ocd since I was 12-13. It went dormant when I was 20-21, until now. So there is hope for you and all of us! I began to feel better after about a month. Then my ocd theme shifted to different theme but the harm theme comes and goes. I have good days and bad days. When I am consistent with the meditation, exercise, eating well and supplementing with vitamins I do pretty when I stop doing those things I have rough days.

I relate to this so much, and the only solution I have found is time. I wouldn’t rely on that though, if I were you. If you find something that helps, please let me know. I was in this exact situation, and I couldn’t tell my family because then they would be afraid of me and I’m not dangerous. Mine also started from YouTube, though I ended up deleting the app. I recommend you using the app Musi instead of YoUTUbE if you have an IOS. Musi links through YouTube and is mainly used for Music, but you can also watch videos, too. You can watch YouTube videos through this app if you search them up, but the play next is only directly related to the video you are watching, so you can’t get trapped in that rabbit hole of curiosity leading to things you can’t unsee. I am sorry to hear that another person is going through this, too, though. Best of luck to you, and if you need to talk to someone who can relay, I am always here.

Been there and doing it now

I’m seeing a ocd specialist soon so I’m hoping it will help!!! It’s so scary how ocd works it makes me think I’m a horrible person on the inside! Do you know how long it took until you started to feel better?

Thank you Jeff