I think I’ve ruined myself. I was so happy in my relationship. I’m going to be blunt. Because I need to vent the facts. When I first had sex I really didn’t enjoy it because I didn’t realise I had a medical problem that got in the way of enjoying it. It means I used to have to fantasise, in me head, to get any pleasure. I then met my current girlfriend (post operation) and when we first slept together I literally cried with joy afterwards because I was so happy I could finally enjoy it. I didn’t have to fantasise at all after that. Everything felt right (😊) my OCD is telling me I didn’t feel this but I know at the time I did. I was so in love. Then one day I remember realising how I hadn’t been fantasising and actively said to myself (you need to try and keep this up) and from this point Whenever we had sex I would get so scared I’d have to go into my head that I would end up doing just that. When we weren’t together for about three weeks (due to work commitments) the relationship OCD kicked in (my dad left when I was a child) so I feel abandoned easily. I then went into full relationship OCD mode (I had had OCD in the past but this was more with physically counting and locking things repeatedly etc…). All the classic ROCD questions came in. Until one day someone on the TV mentioned they were gay and the HOCD came piling in and that’s been my endless obsession for the last few months. I have ruminated so much that I’ve managed to go over my entire life and find reasons as to why I must be gay. And everyday my reasons that I must be straight disappear. I had never even contemplated the thought of me being gay despite all the sexual trouble I had with my health in the past. I was so in love with my girlfriend. But gradually over the last few weeks I’ve lost all attraction for her and now most women. If I ever do find a women attractive it feels artificial. When I see a man I get very anxious, which I can’t tell is attraction or anxiety. I’m done! I’ve managed to convince myself so much that I’m gay that I nearly fully believe it. I never asked for any of this I was so happy and ready to spend the rest of my life with this person. And now I can’t even see that anymore, I don’t even know if I want to anymore? OCD has taken everything away from me. I am done! Is this it? Will I ever be able to feel the way I did again now that I’ve put together all this evidence in my head that I feel I can’t ignore? I want to feel that way again but I just can’t even see it happening now because everyday it seems less and less likely. I don’t know what I want anymore? And I feel like maybe deep down I’ve always been gay and never realised it and now I’m just rejecting it but I was so in love and I just want that again with my girlfriend.

Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.

Could someone lend me some kind words or make sense of what I might be going through? Any advice or suggestions is greatly appreciated Almost over a year now I had a nightmare or a dream which I saw me marrying another woman. I didn’t see her face,I didn’t know her name. It was the back of our heads during the dream. When I woke up; I was dumbfounded and I cannot explain how mortified and guilty I felt I spent up till now still ongoing - I’m struggling still for well over a year now. I have gone through multiple different emotions. That day it was almost like an epiphany but it wasn’t because I’ve been bi since about 14/15 years old, I have still chosen to sway towards men because I find them more attractive and that is who I want to be with eventually, a man. I remember that morning after waking up from the dream I was absolutely hysterical in the bathroom crying because I was just shocked like did this mean anything? did my preference change what does this mean for my relationship now? the overwhelming guilt and sadness and what is happening all at the same time just formed a massive spiral in my head and I can Still remember how this makes me feel. I have still hid this up until now from my partner because I’m worried how he will react if there is any big pieces of uncertainty like this were to come to him. I have constantly; almost every day gone through past experiences and if my previous experiences sexually being with women meant anything - making me questioning my whole identity questioning if my current relationship was just a lie ?it is tiring. It has worn me down to the bone and I feel emotionally exhausted and numb and I don’t know how to get out of it. I have tirelessly looked for answers within myself because I don’t want to burden anyone I know with my dilemma. I am no closer to finding an answer, it’s a constant spiral or circle - it’s ‘I’m happy’ to ‘I’m questioning’ to finding my ‘ answer’ then to getting temporary relief and then on repeat every single day. It’s not only now- it’s me reflecting on my whole life and trying to look for answers trying to piece the puzzle together but becoming no closer to the clarity or assurance I need and I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure at this stage if it’s reality or if it’s OCD or just intrusive thoughts. I’ve been researching denial versus OCD and comparing those results to mine almost every single day. It’s been almost a year and I feel guilty because I feel like I’m a fraud. I feel like I can’t indulge in my own relationship and deepdown I know I still love him. I just don’t know how to reach it. looking at photos and cards that we’ve sent to one another makes me emotional because I remember how he made me feel and it’s of no fault with his own and it’s changed. I’ve been grieving a loss of losing my own partner for months now and he’s still here with me. I’m grieving about a relationship I’m still in but I’m grieving because my feelings have changed and I don’t know why. I miss being happy and love and not ever second thinking of future together. Every day I face the same emotional and mental torment of unsureness and uncertainty and the absolute urgency to figure it out right now but not ever coming to an answer that sticks. I have jumps between this obsession but also do I love him do I love him? Not do I want to be with him? Do I not want to be with him? Is he my person or is he not?

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.