I think I’ve ruined myself. I was so happy in my relationship. I’m going to be blunt. Because I need to vent the facts. When I first had sex I really didn’t enjoy it because I didn’t realise I had a medical problem that got in the way of enjoying it. It means I used to have to fantasise, in me head, to get any pleasure. I then met my current girlfriend (post operation) and when we first slept together I literally cried with joy afterwards because I was so happy I could finally enjoy it. I didn’t have to fantasise at all after that. Everything felt right (😊) my OCD is telling me I didn’t feel this but I know at the time I did. I was so in love. Then one day I remember realising how I hadn’t been fantasising and actively said to myself (you need to try and keep this up) and from this point Whenever we had sex I would get so scared I’d have to go into my head that I would end up doing just that. When we weren’t together for about three weeks (due to work commitments) the relationship OCD kicked in (my dad left when I was a child) so I feel abandoned easily. I then went into full relationship OCD mode (I had had OCD in the past but this was more with physically counting and locking things repeatedly etc…). All the classic ROCD questions came in. Until one day someone on the TV mentioned they were gay and the HOCD came piling in and that’s been my endless obsession for the last few months. I have ruminated so much that I’ve managed to go over my entire life and find reasons as to why I must be gay. And everyday my reasons that I must be straight disappear. I had never even contemplated the thought of me being gay despite all the sexual trouble I had with my health in the past. I was so in love with my girlfriend. But gradually over the last few weeks I’ve lost all attraction for her and now most women. If I ever do find a women attractive it feels artificial. When I see a man I get very anxious, which I can’t tell is attraction or anxiety. I’m done! I’ve managed to convince myself so much that I’m gay that I nearly fully believe it. I never asked for any of this I was so happy and ready to spend the rest of my life with this person. And now I can’t even see that anymore, I don’t even know if I want to anymore? OCD has taken everything away from me. I am done! Is this it? Will I ever be able to feel the way I did again now that I’ve put together all this evidence in my head that I feel I can’t ignore? I want to feel that way again but I just can’t even see it happening now because everyday it seems less and less likely. I don’t know what I want anymore? And I feel like maybe deep down I’ve always been gay and never realised it and now I’m just rejecting it but I was so in love and I just want that again with my girlfriend.

This is completely true and im so glad you said it. I was just spiraling down in my own ocd as i was reading his post. I feel a lot the ways he does. Our strong desire can make us impatient and we try to, like you said, control the anxiety and thoughts this instant. Thank you for sharing that.

@kevint Glad it could be of service to you. Wishing you healing.

@Sasha Is there a chance that these feelings I’m having will move away again? Because I had never had them before. I feel I just got to a breaking point of feeling like I’ve actually backed myself into a corner where I can’t enjoy the one thing I didn’t want to loose. Part of me has almost given up on it.

@BradOCD In a strange way, it’s better that you give up on it. What I mean is: give up on your attachment to the feeling. Give up your expectation of what’s supposed to happen. Will the feeling go away? Will the other feeling come back ? Maybe.. maybe not. The reality you have to accept, is that getting the feeling back is not what full recovery from OCD is. That’s just a temporary fix. You get the feeling back, and then it goes away again after another trigger. You see what’s going on here? So what do you do? In order for full recovery, you need full acceptance. When you start to accept that you don’t have control over these feelings, triggers, or thoughts, you will start to live life without resistance. What happens when we don’t resist? OCD weakens, anxiety disappears, and our natural state of peace and contentment start to awaken. Eventually we might even get to where we wanted to feel in the first place.

@Sasha I completely understand what you’re saying. My issue is if I accept my HOCD thoughts, then surely I have to end my relationship? And I don’t want to do that?

@BradOCD Accepting does not mean agreeing. It means accepting that right now in this given moment your body feels these sensations and your mind is creating these thoughts. Like I said before: you can cling to how things should be, or you can just allow things to be. So now you can be in a relationship that doesn’t feel comfortable right now. That’s okay. Just keep accepting that, and your on your path to recovery. Running away from your relationship because of your thoughts only reinforces ocd.

@Sasha Okay I think I understand… thank you for all your help

@BradOCD My pleasure. I’m not speaking from just a knowledgeable place. This is all through experience as well. I have gone through ocd themes like yours, and I have seen the immense recovery when I have learned to accept the feelings and thoughts and let go of my desire to control them.

@Sasha I get OCD can be very powerful and make us question/feel things that in the past wouldn’t have bothered us. It’s as if everything little emotion, feeling, insecurity has now been blown up into this huge issue when in essence I guess it hasn’t got any bigger I’m just taking a much closer look and almost need to just step back again?

@BradOCD Right. Rumination causes thoughts to stick more, which makes it feels like there’s greater importance to the thoughts and feelings , especially if it’s making you anxious