Hello peoplesss, I haven't been here for a couple months but I suppose I really need it. I'm currently in my senior year of high school, and I'm usually that straight A student blahblahblah, but this one thing has stumped me and to everyone it's so trivial but for me it's so big and it keeps coming back. Basically, calculus. I know the subject and I even self-studied for the AP Calc BC test in 11th grade, but now I can't even pass a test. I don't know how to describe my school's test system but basically if I don't perfect or nearly perfect my next exams, I'm doomed. All the awards I worked up to, my school's equivalent of valedictorian, my college admissions, probably gone. These exams aren't even hard; they're supposed to be like a medium level. I can literally take on harder exam questions (I know this because I've been doing it myself and helping my classmates that have reached that level already). Like, our teacher gave us a practice set, and only two of us got a hard level question correct, but between the two of us, I was the one that also did the medium level questions in that time frame. But when it comes to the medium level questions DURING the exam, I always make "dumb" mistakes that add up, like forgetting to write exponents or flipping fractions. And the fact that I keep making these same mistakes and am thus unable to progress really scares me. In one of my recent tests (one where I'm still at that medium level) I prepared so much for it, but the second I read the questions my mind loterally went BLANK for 2-5minutes. I managed to finish the test, but my answers were so shaky and in disarray that I'm not confident in them at all. I'll probably find out mt results in a few hours when I wake up. Once again, probably a trivial issue, but it's been eating away at me for weeks. I haven't been able to sleep, I can't really do the things I enjoy, heck, I haven't been able to write my big college essays. I feel so paralyzed in a way that I've never truly felt before. I've probably felt it in tiny waves, but I am so freaking stressed right now. It'll be over soon and people say that I'll laugh at it in a couple years, but I wish someone could just understand this man :( I feel like if I don't get this grade, everything A student-y about me would be gone :( I know people are going to say that that isn't true, but for the past 2ish online years, big awardees went from two of us in our batch to ten. My A- in 11th grade PE might also prevent me from getting that top honors thingy And gosh my parents are the antonym of unsupportive. My mom doesn't understand the whole grade panicking, which is fine, but she just stares at me everytime I cry. Then my dad literally keeps saying oh are you getting top honors you need it for this and for that blahblahblah. Then my mom's gf, who's usually supportive, just laughs whenever she sees my cry about it. I'm at my wits end here and my parents aren't doing anything to make life a single bit easier, as they usually do. Anyways, thanks for listening to my Ted rant. TLDR: A student is making dumb mistakes on calc and panicking about whole life. Parents suck.

Basically, I've kept a secret from my family, specifically parents, for a couple of years now. This isn't something I'm proud of. It just sort of happened, and then I stupidly kept digging a deeper hole, fearing how they'd react. But tonight, my mom and I were talking, and she brought up how a few years back, she'd stopped talking to my aunt (for about a year) after they got into a disagreement/argument. Long story short, my aunt lied about a decision she'd made due to the fear of how her parents would react. The only person who knew the truth was my mom. My mom said she didn't like how my aunt was hiding this from the rest of the family because it felt like "manipulating their reactions," in a way. My aunt's since told the rest of the family, and everything ended up okay. They talk all the time now. But this conversation with my mom really hit me. It's embarrassing to admit, but there were these online courses I was supposed to be taking. But I fell behind due to no motivation and probably no self-discipline. And initially, the lie I told was small. I planned to catch up, so I didn't see the issue. But then I could never get through the lessons. I couldn't pay attention, I'd space out, go on my phone, get distracted, or fall asleep. I don't know if it's just laziness or lack of motivation. I'd been really depressed back then. But still, I've barely gotten through any of it. Out of guilt, fear, or shame, I kept building onto this lie that I was getting through the coursework. But I wasn't. I've carried all this guilt, yet I've never worked up the courage to be honest because I feel like I'd lose their trust forever, or they'd use it against me. And part of me thinks they'd have a right to react that way. I feel selfish for keeping this to myself. For lying and building onto the lie continuously over the last couple of years. I'm so ashamed, but I kept telling myself that I'd bounce back, but I just never did. I needed help, but I was too afraid to reach out for it. I just really need advice, I guess. Despite all of this, I really hate lying. It feels icky, and it only ever exacerbates things. I've been so open with my parents about everything except this. And I don't want that. I know I need to be honest with them, but I don't know how. I'm still afraid, but continuing to hide this is worse. I love my parents. I'm just terrified of disappointing them, or them losing all trust in me. I think my mom using the word, "manipulating," while describing my aunts situation and the reason for keeping her secret really sent my mind spiraling with all these terrible "what ifs" on how my parents might react. I feel terrible, and I've felt guilty for a long time, but... Yeah, I don't know. I'd appreciate advice, or just... thoughts. I don't know at this point. I'll take anything 😭🙏🏻 I'm thinking about telling my psychiatrist about all of this when I next see her, if anything.

(I apologize in advance for my bad punctuation and ongoing sentences, but i actually dont really care because it doesnt matter to me) Anywho, Im brand new to this app, been on it for just a few minutes now so im not really sure what im doing but i just needed to get it out that i am so extremely stressed with my life right now but its like my mind tries to convince me that im not stressed because i know everything will turn out fine in the future but then the thoughts of "what if it doesnt?" Start flooding in and all of my thoughts just start going back and forth and back and forth and im just so confused about everything that im doing everything i say or do right or wrong everything i do or say that can or maybe has affected people i just i feel like i hate myself so much after thinking all those things and working myself up over it all and then im just like, its gonna be okay tho in the end. AND THEN IT JUST STARTS ALL OVER AGAINF i cannot do this i cant continue suffering with all my thoughts just completely takinh over my mind and everything that i do. i think im so in control when i know im not. There are so many things going on in my life right now that i just feel like i have absolutely no control over, but i DO and easily have control over them, i just let myself believe that i dont, then i make it happen for some reason. I dont even know what else to say now that i just worked myself up into a sobbing spree. I am just so terrified.

Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired