So something happened to me when I was a kid. There was some sexual “exploration” when I was 7/8 with kids of similar age, whom I am related to. I oscillate between “oh that’s normal for any kids” and “holy fuck that’s messed up.” Admittedly, there were one or two moments where it was distinctly uncomfortable for myself, and those moments may in fact be labeled as “traumatizing/abusive” On the whole, I feel apathetic to the events. It is what it is. And then there’s the intrusive thoughts. Constant. Anytime I try to connect sexually with anyone. The better I know the individual the harder it is to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I’m pouring a glass of milk and balm, all engrossing “flashbacks”. So I’ve been slowly limiting these triggering activities. This has led to a complete shutdown of my sex drive. I’ve lost relationships over my low drive. I stopped checking out attractive people. I can’t fantasize without an intrusive thought. The list goes on and on, it’s so pervasive. It’s waxed and waned over the years, but 5 years of psychodynamic therapy has only told me this was “abuse” and “traumatic.” Now, in the lens of OCD and anxiety, I have to consider, what if it was just normal exploration (maybe with some questionable moments/trauma) and all the real trauma is the years spent obsessing over it, losing relationships, and cutting off my access to my pleasure? I once had this wild urge and visualization for weeks to cut off my dick with a rusty spoon, bc I was struggling to connect sexually with my then partner, struggling to climax, struggling to get it up, struggling with all these intrusive thoughts (this ushered in a decade long era of what i now acknowledge as SOOCD) And now I’m trying to explain all of this to my therapist of 5 years (psychodynamic, doesn’t believe in diagnosis, and disagrees with my NOCD therapists diagnosis of OCD) and she’s convinced that it’s just abuse and trauma from those sexualized moments when I was a child. The context I’ve built over the last 5 years around this topic is too fortified for my therapist to see through I think. Thoughts?

Anon1294

Date posted: 4y

I think many many people did questionable things as children. I can think of a handful of events that I wince to remember. We were kids, we didn’t know better, our brains weren’t done developing. Now, as adults we know better and we wouldn’t do those things because we understand what is acceptable. We were exploring our new feelings of arousal. You need to forgive yourself and clear your mind, allow yourself to be happy

lol ok

Date posted: 4y

You said it perfectly, this is my exact sentiment. I truly believe it was natural and normal and not “trauma”. Emotionally it’s a different story. It’s just an obsession with compulsory actions to avoid said obsession.

lol ok

Date posted: 4y

One more point, I have worked through it and forgave myself years ago. And have chosen to do what makes me fulfilled and happy ( very similar to ACT therapy) It’s just the Obsession surrounding my it is cyclical and the Compulsions soon follow after. In reality it has nothing to do with the “content” of the obsessions in this case some “questionable “ events. It’s just anxiety and OCD.

Anon1294

Date posted: 4y

@lol ok Right that’s why we’re ✨mentally ill✨😭 Most people would just move on with life and forget those things, but for us we obsess over them and ruminate. We torture ourselves. Think of it this way, there are evil people out there who do terrible things every day without any guilt. But we live with guilt from things we never even did/ did when we were too young to know better

[Deleted]

Date posted: 4y

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lol ok

Date posted: 4y

For real?! Wow I didn’t actually think anyone else would be able to relate

Tiredmind88

Date posted: 4y

I too reflect on events that happened when I was a kid. It’s like it’s all evidence towards what my ocd believes is truth. I was discussing my sex drive with my boyfriend this morning and how I pretty much don’t have one. All this made worse by intrusive thoughts and the sensations they give me. The doubt is killing me.

Nica

Date posted: 4y

You might want to talk to a trauma therapist, specifically a sexual trauma therapist.

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