I’m feeling so bad rn :( like really a bad person like my abuser idk if this is the same

Idk if I’m feeling attraction towards a friend of mine 🥲 and I keep ruminating abt his age bc I can’t tell if it’s one year or two years bc if it’s twos years then that’s weird for me yk and I feel like that’s bad yk bc I’m 18 and I think he turned 17? A couple weeks ago? Bc before I knew his age I kinda like tiny bit liked him or at least wanted to just talk to him more idk if it’s as a friend or crush anymore but once I figured out his age before I was ohh nvm but then he’s in my class now and we talked n stuff and he’s like good to talk to like I felt friendship yk bc it was nice and now idk if I’m developing a crush now 💀 I’m just so confused bc false attraction is so hard bc it feels like real attraction and I can’t tell if I like the way I feel sometimes bc for me it’s wrong? And it makes me feel like I’m suppressing my emotions 😭 I’m so sorry this is long but I’m in so much distress especially when I’m by myself after everything happens 😭

@kathernyr Hi, I know ocd can get in the way of life, but it shouldn't. You're not a pedophile for feeling attraction to someone who's a year younger than you. If you were 20 and him 19 would that be wrong? No. So what's wrong with 18 and 17? You're not being asked to have intimacy with him, that's that's different subject. When I was a senior in high school my girlfriend was also in my class she was 17 I was 18. Nothing wrong with that. Please don't overthink this as you liking a minor, although he may be 17 there's a big difference between his age and a child. Ocd always tells us to be extreme with our thinking and judging, but life is not like that. In life you will be attracted to many people, doesn't mean you have to date everyone, but attraction is normal. Don't stress any more God loves you

@NOCD Advocate - Cesar O. I just feel so much anger maybe or just like why me bc if God did love me why did I have to go through what I went through :(, sometimes it feels like he wants me to be this bad person and idk if it’s ocd or me changing anymore :(. And you are right it’s only one year 😭 I just wasn’t sure if him turning 17 made me 2 years or one year older than him bc I’m turning 19 next year 😭😭😭

@kathernyr I know how you feel and when I was your age I didn't understand much about God although I thought I did. I have no doubt in my mind God does love you, proof of that is you're breathing. Many other proofs can be found for His love towards you, even ocd. God allows suffering for many reasons, not to torture you or because it makes Him happy to see you suffer but because sometimes this step is necessary in order for us to go through a change much needed or as a way of letting us share in the suffering of Jesus for the salvation of the world. There are many reasons, only God knows why you have ocd but you can rest assured that He will not abandon you and that He will bring a greater good out of it. Trust Him, talk to Him in prayer. He doesn't want you to be a bad person, ocd can play lots of tricks with us but don't let it do that, find therapy treat it and be honest with your therapist, they won't be surprised by what you think, they will help you. God loves you, life is hard and it will have tough times but this world isn't the last stop, God is with you at every tough time and good time. Trust Him. Don't be afraid.