I’m scared that I’ve caught feelings for a guy I work with. For the past couple of years I’ve always wanted to meet him, because he’s a fantastic musician that all my friends know as well. We get on, but only in the way I would have got in with all my friends. He is gay. And now I’m worried that I want to “be with him.” It makes me so anxious. I keep having panic attacks when I think about it but sometimes I think about it and don’t get anxious. I just don’t want these feelings because they just add to the guilt I already have about staying with my girlfriend who I really miss (as I’m away for work right now).

You said something useful; it makes you “feel” gay. So in actuality, you’re not afraid that you’re gay, you’re afraid of the feeling. Once you accept this “feeling” , then you can move on with your life. It’s no accepting your gay. It’s accepting this “feeling”. Again don’t be fooled by the idea that accepting a feeling or thought is accepting that you are that feeling or thought. You are accepting the actual thought that’s passing through your head. It’s a thought, it exists. It doesn’t mean you’re accepting it’s reality.

@Sasha I think I’m struggling with this idea of acting on the thoughts. Because when I try accepting the feeling I get this anxious feeling to act on it. So I can’t really tell if I want to act on it or not?

@BradOCD “Acting on it” is still a feeling. You’re not observing the feeling enough. You are still being reactive and trying to respond. You have to stop thinking the urges are YOU. They are just feelings happening. Just chemical signals in your brain. Just observe them. Don’t judge them. It’s uncomfortable. But discomfort is also a feeling. But do not focus on the thoughts associated to the feeling. I know you are doing that because you said I have an “urge to do it.” That’s a thought. Don’t focus on this thought. Just observe the feeling behind the thought. A feeling doesn’t have an idea. It’s just a feeling. Physical tension in the stomach or constriction in chest. Shooting unpleasant sensation going up the rib cage. Breath is shallow. And then watch the thoughts. Do not look at the content of thoughts. Just watch them go by as if they are cars driving down the highway. Try this. It takes practice.

@Sasha I’m trying to do what you’ve advised… thank you for your help. It’s strange I feel ‘better’ but that in itself is bothering me? I just don’t really feel myself but I feel like I’ve given up on feeling that way again

@BradOCD Yes. This is your ego uncomfortable with this new practice. Gently remind yourself that the “you” that exists is not fixed. You will feel differently, this is not a danger. But your ego perceives it as a danger, because it likes to be in control. This feeling of discomfort will pass. Your brain is still in the habit of worrying about everything. Just keep practicing it, and you will learn to not be so reactive

@Sasha I do understand this. But I don’t know if I want to be comfortable with this new feeling. Because that then means I have to leave my partner and other such things?

@BradOCD Why do you keep confusing acceptance of feeling with acceptance of truth? No one is saying your thoughts are true. All I’m pointing at, is the acceptance of what you feel. Feeling doesn’t indicate truth. It’s just feeling. If I put you under a strong sedative, you wouldn’t feel the way you are feeling now. You wouldn’t care about your thoughts. If I gave you a lot of caffeine; you would be even more antsy and anxious then you are right now. Are either feelings true? No. They are just chemical responses. Accepting these feelings does not mean you believe the ideas your mind has associated behind them. Does that make sense?

@Sasha I do understand… I think. I think what I’m struggling with is the concept of what I’m feeling being not the truth. It’s like whatever I’m feeling I want to be true regardless of whether it makes me uncomfortable or not? It just feels very weird to feel a certain way and then to be telling myself that’s not really me?

@BradOCD This is OCD my friend. Imagine living in an apartment, and the fire alarm keeps going off. At first you think it’s real danger. Even if there’s no smell, or fire, you go outside because you know you should listen to the alarm. But then it happens the next day, and the next day, and every day after that. But there’s no fire…. Would you trust this fire alarm? Has it ever proved you right? You have a faulty fire alarm… So is with OCD. You are trusting a feeling, because it was designed to keep you out of danger. Take you away from a threat. But there is no danger. There is no FIRE. And yet you keep having this feeling like there is. Like maybe this time you should listen; because maybe this time there is a fire. But there isn’t. All there is, is stress and worry about the next possible fire alarm. So what I’m saying is, although we are designed to listen to our fire alarm- I’m asking you not to. Why ? Because our fire alarm was designed for bears, natural disasters, health hazards, etc. Not abstract ideas and thoughts. So how will you know when there is a real threat if you don’t listen to your fire alarm? If you see smoke, or something burning you run. Otherwise stay put.

@Sasha Taking that analogy further. I feel like my fire alarm has been going on for so long and I’m so used to just listening to it that I’ve almost got comfortable with it just carrying on. And I’m almost scared of it going off. And also sometimes I feel like it’s going off for different reasons and maybe the reason it’s going off isn’t always what I think it is. It’s just very confusing. I can’t even tell if there is a threat or not, or am I making the threat up because I’m scared? Or has the threat changed over time?

@BradOCD Part of OCD recovery is to take the risk of not listening to the fire alarm. It’s the most difficult thing, but it’s what produces the best results. You have to face this fear, and you can get better by not giving in to the false sense of security the fire alarm brings

@Sasha I’m now starting to worry that my relationship was all based on compulsions and that actually I need to leave it because that was me listening to the fire alarm? Idk it’s really confusing me

@BradOCD For example I just ended up remembering something from my past. And my brain took that as evidence and I then automatically just had a panic attack about it

@BradOCD How was it listening to the fire alarm ? Please explain .

@Sasha Well I went into it quite quickly because I’d never found someone like her before, or someone I felt so at home around. I had been scared I was going to loose her and I then found myself accepting that she won’t leave me. Then when she went away for a few weeks (for work) I felt awful and that’s when the ROCD started and then this lead to the HOCD after being triggered by someone simply mentioning the word gay. I’m just so worried that I was never in love and was just listening to the fire alarm and doing what it told me to do and then feeling comfort. But it didn’t feel like that it felt amazing.

@BradOCD Try to remember this always. Fire alarms never make you feel good. Never. They make you feel like something is wrong. They make you want to give in to compulsions. They make you want the alarm to stop. Also you have to understand that people who are gay don’t have these kinds of conversations. My friend in college tried to date girls but he couldn’t. He tried to watch porn with women in it, but he couldn’t. He knew he was gay, but he tried not to be. There wasn’t this anxiety of whether he was or wasnt. There was an anxiety of how do I deal with the reprucussions of being gay. You stated that you had ROCD, then HOCD. Do you not see the pattern here? You have ocd. You stated you don’t know if it’s ocd or not. It’s the snake eating it’s own tail. You are worried that you don’t have ocd, but that’s what people with ocd worry about. There are so many flaws and inconsistencies to your thinking. And so thinking your way out of this will only spiral you more. What I’m asking you is to trust this work. I didn’t make it up. It’s part of ERP and ACT. Your job is to stop ruminating and just accept the feeling. This doesn’t mean accept your gay and go be with a man. It means accept the thought that you might be gay, but you will take the risk and be straight and have a hetero relationship even if it feels uncomfortable. Remember that’s the fire alarm telling you be afraid, be uncomfortable.

@Sasha This does make perfect sense. Thank you so much. I had always enjoyed my relationships and then I would suddenly get scared of dependency and then run away this is the first time I’ve not ran. I feel like I’ve got so used to listening to the alarm my whole life that it’s almost my safe space even if it makes me uncomfortable. The thought of being gay and being okay with it makes me really uncomfortable. Like reading what you said about it not making you feel good. Made me panic so much. Because I can’t tell if it feels good or not anymore I was so sure it didn’t but now it feels more numb I don’t know anymore sorry to keep spiralling

@BradOCD I can tell you it doesn’t feel good for you even if you think you don’t know, because you’re not doing well right now. So that’s your answer: it doesn’t make you feel good. But yes, you were triggered when I told you this, because that’s what OCD does. It triggers you. But the more you let it trigger you without giving in to compulsions the more you will start to feel better. But you have to remember not to listen to your ocd thoughts anymore. If you get a thought like “am I gay” and it triggers you, stay in the discomfort. Let it play out. Don’t try to change the thought or reason with it, or argue with it.

@Sasha Me intrusive thoughts are normally images actuslly, or situations? It’s been so long that I’ve had to compile evidence that I’ve almost given up answering the question and just feel like it’s inevitable that I must be gay. That’s what tends to be said by my ocd right now is just “you must be gay” or “you want to be gay”

@BradOCD Right. So just let it do what it does, images, thoughts , whatever. Focus on just paying attention to the physical feeling of your body. And don’t do anything about it. Just be an observer with no judgment or opinion. Keep training that part of you.

@Sasha Hi Saha. So since putting your methods into practice some interesting outcomes have occurred. Last night when I got back from my work trip, when “sleeping” with my partner I actually really enjoyed it and in the moment was able to just let the thoughts pass through as thoughts. I had a lot of clarity. However straight afterwards I feel like I was getting all these instrusivr thoughts and not being in a position to do anything about them. Obviously I was feeling good post intercourse but then that made me feel like I was enjoying the intrusive thoughts. The same thing then happened again this morning? So it’s sort of been really helpful but then very confusing because the intrusive thoughts actuslly seem worse when I’m enjoying myself and they therefore feel somewhat enjoyable but I’m not sure if that’s just the general mood

@BradOCD I’m Happy to hear you had a moment of enjoyment and clarity. This is how recovery works when you follow the methods. As far as intrusive thoughts coming in after. This is perfectly normal. You have OCD, and you have strong habits and associations. The thoughts won’t magically disappear. It’s not about the thoughts going away as much as your relationship with those thoughts. The less you care about them and the content of them, the less power they will have. So continue to apply those tools, and the weaker they get. But don’t get surprised if thoughts or feelings still come up. We are not trying to get rid of them. We are trying to learn to not let them bother us. If they go away, that’s great! If they don’t, that’s okay too. But the main goal is to not be afraid of them and learn to look at our thoughts differently

@Sasha The strange things is a few hours later I started questioning whether I actually enjoyed it at all? When I know that I did. It’s all just very confusing. It’s almost as if whenever I enjoy something I try and find a reason to sabotage it?

@BradOCD It’s not you. Don’t identify with this. It’s ocd. This is what it does. Mindfully accept the thought and let it pass. It takes time. Recovery isn’t one and done.