I think I completely misunderstood my ocd, looking back during my time with ocd it dosent feel like I even had it. And rewinind even further to my life before ocd i think i was always gay and never became aware of it. Im so sad and unhappy

I'm sorry you feel this way. OCD is one of the most debilitating conditions in that it makes us look back with regret usually regarding how we spent our time or things we did/didn't do. Did you know we have support groups? This might be a great tool/resource for you as you navigate all of that. We are here for ya!