I have been thinking lately about how I had pretty debilitating HOCD when I was going into high school and I want to share my story with you all because it seems there’s so many who are going through what I went through. My HOCD started when I had a group of friends at my catholic school who were extremely homophobic. If anyone in our class was unique, or different, or annoying, my friends would say they were gay. It was the go-to insult at the time. It’s normal for any child to question their sexuality, but imagine my inner struggle when I thought any girl was pretty, I had an internal panic. If my best friends found out that I thought a girl was pretty?? They would ruin me. Then one of my main best friends told me that one of her friends from another school, came out to her. My friend told me she stopped being friends with her. I started to freak out and think the same thing was happening to me. I started getting intrusive thoughts and distanced myself from that friend. My fear of being gay overtook my life. I was just entering high school when this all went down, and I was triggered all day at school because I went to an all girls school. I was “checking” myself all day. I was a nervous wreck. I literally begged my mom to let me go to a public co-Ed school. When I started going to a co-Ed school, my HOCD didn’t get better, it actually got worse. I was getting attention from boys that I never got before. They would flirt, ask for my number, they were relentless. And I was petrified. I had terrible debilitating panic attacks thinking if I dated a man I would hate being with him, and I would have to come out. I was resisting, doing compulsions, ruminating, having fake attractions, (any attraction I thought I had, was just anxiety) and I was stuck in this frame of thinking. Then there was this really cute guy who started flirting with me. I couldn’t deny I liked him. And we started to date, and I was genuinely in love. My HOCD pretty much disappeared for our entire relationship because there was no denying I was attracted to a man. It was in the background every once and while, but not bad at all. But, the best thing I could’ve ever done was after gaining some confidence in myself, I started going to a technical school for cosmetology. I was working with other women all day every day. Shampooing their hair, painting their nails, talking and making good friends. Now that I look back, that was the best exposure therapy😂! I started to realize wasn’t attracted to any of them. I was just a hairstylist doing my job. I didn’t know it at the time, but spending time with other women and making friends with them and exposing myself to that environment made me realize I wasn’t gay at all. Now I will say, I enjoy looking at women and I think they’re beautiful. But I do not f want to date or sleep with a woman at all. I am confident in how I feel because of my experiences. I want the younger people who are struggling with HOCD to understand how important it is to put yourself out there and experience life, make good friends, expose yourself to the things that scare you. Please just push yourself through those fears because there’s a whole other side to this and there’s clarity in your future. I have two kids and a loving husband now, and I’m so happy that I have myself a chance to overcome my fears

trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.

This is killing me slowly day by day, im a straight female 20 years old, i started getting hocd after a break up with an ex and coming off intense use of 🍁🍃 for a few years on and off, i think it has messed up my brain so bad… my hocd is weird because ive been with men my whole life always wanted to be with men.. i also used to always question every relationship “do i love him? Does he love me? Am I with the right person?” Anyways after my hocd triggered my tocd due to researching hocd and finding they can often be linked, I started getting tocd and it’s worse then ever because it’s not who I want to be and I’m going back to situations where my abusive ex partner called me a “man” during a fight. I’ve always been a tomboy but never had same sex attraction. Help. This is killing me. I haven’t been able to study or leave the house most days, and work! I’ve lost motivation for everything and I’m in a dark hole. I need some success stories please

I’ve recovered from HOCD before and got my attraction and my usual actual identity back. I was recovered from end 2022- start 2025 until I got triggered UGHHH😭 My HOCD is REALLY trying to convince me and it’s SO annoying cause I genuinely don’t want these thoughts. I know I naturally like men and always have done so. I can’t wait for my first therapy session in two days Omg! I need your advice, not necessarily reassurance, but more advice? My HOCD is throwing random “proof” I did/ saw as a child in my face, which back then had no meaning in my life and I continued to live a perfectly heterosexual life. I’ve educated myself about arousal non concordance / child’s play, but it still doesn’t remove the HOCD. I’ve read therapists great explanations on how it’s not a sexuality issue, BUT ITS AN OCD BRAIN ISSUE. So basically I’ve been straight and i will die as straight. But my ocd is still continuing with the intrusive thoughts/flashbacks. I’ve had some moments where I haven’t done as many compulsions and had less anxiety but still had those damn thoughts and I DO NOT want those damn thoughts. I have so much proof and factual/logical explanations but HOCD is still continuing to thrive. I absolutely hate this and I feel so alone. I wish there was a reset button cause I don’t want these thoughts to happen. I want a man and I stand by that. How do y’all deal with these situations? Cause sitting with the thoughts is clearly not helping.