I tried some ERP and it’s sent me spiralling a bit. Now I’m convinced I’ve only ever been into women and have just been in denial. I know I’m supposed to be ok with uncertainty but I’m in a relationship with a man who I love so much and so I feel like I need to know. This is awful.

Ruminating makes me think I’m living in denial but I don’t feel like I want to be with a woman, it’s really hard

That’s what my ERP is because that’s what scares me the most. I don’t want to live a lie and it’s so hard to be happy and enjoy the life I have with my boyfriend when I ruminate on things in my past. I’m struggling so much.

@milliemoo I relate so much, I saw your post and figured I was meant to see it to be reminded I’m not alone. I think partially why it affects me so much is because it’s actually the core of my fear and I hadn’t truly focused a whole ton of ERP on it. I’m struggling as well. You aren’t alone! I definitely miss days when I’m able to just be happy and relatively symptom free

@ChristineKJ Thank you! It is good to know I’m not alone, but it’s horrible you’re suffering too I guess we’re supposed to just stick with ERP and try sit with the fear and anxiety. It’s so hard though. I came close to leaving my boyfriend last week because I was convinced I had too. This is life ruining :/

@milliemoo I know how you feel! Sitting with exposures like that for me I think are even harder than others. For example, ERP yesterday was watching kissing scenes from the L Word. And that was tough. But this today was even harder, I think with that added kind of existential piece of wondering about my own marriage. By far the hardest exposure for me

@ChristineKJ My OCD is starting to work in other ways. Like saying “actually you want to be gay and your using therapy to try and make yourself okay with it.” I can’t even work out what I want anymore.

@BradOCD Yeah, I’m terrified I’m using OCD as an excuse

@BradOCD I have thoughts like that too. Like “you’re gay” or “you’re gay, tell your husband, confess to him.” They’re more like oppressive commands than “what ifs” and that’s super scary sometimes.

@ChristineKJ Yes it’s like. “You want to me with a man… you know you do” or “you’ll be happy” “deep down you just can’t wait to be gay” sometimes I actually believe it as well it’s like I can’t tell the difference anymore. What is me and what is OCD

@BradOCD Yep, exactly. It’s like there’s this super loud bully in my head trying to make me confess. Some days I’m fine and other days it’s so crushing

@ChristineKJ Yeah that’s exactly it. It’s almost as if it tries to scan through all my memories and twist situations and then show me the evidence. And be like “see look here’s evidence that I’m right.”

@ChristineKJ I relate to you both so much! Married to a wonderful man, have a beautiful family, but SOOCD is just fueling my rumination. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

@cb21 I’m so sorry you’re going through this too! It seems so cruel, I am so happy and in love with my husband but the OCD tries to convince me otherwise.

@ChristineKJ Oh I’m sorry for you too! But it’s nice to know there are others dealing with the same things. It’s the later in life coming out stories that really get me. I’m sure all of us on this thread can relate.

@cb21 Same, it’s always helpful to know I’m not alone. Yep, that one seems to be particularly triggering for me lately