The single worst part about my ocd( if it even is that) is 90% of my thoughts/feelings and internal monolgues happen in english but english isnt my first language, it makes things extremely complicated when I try to make sense of my thoughts with limted vocabulary, most of the time I cant even put it into words what im feeling unless someone else who has also been exact through the same thing has typed it somwhere, Ill read it and go " oh thats what exactly what I was trying to say". I despise being biilingual feel like I have 2 brains, 2 personalities, half my worries would be over if only I could explain to someone whats going through my head. This situation is so hopeless.

English is my second language,so please bear with me if there are any shortcomings. My OCD is manifested in the need to go to the bathroom before going to bed every time, but after each urination, I worry that I will have to go to the bathroom again because I feel that I seem haven't finished. This will affect my sleep by repeatedly entering and exiting the bathroom. It takes me more than half an hour to go to the bathroom before going to bed every time, and I have to fight with myself to tell myself that I have finished and don't have any more urine, so I can sleep peacefully. However, it takes countless times to comfort myself.I tried to quickly finish urinating and then immediately step out of the bathroom, but every time I had the thought of "I still feel like I have a little more urine, should I squat again?" I felt like I was nailed to the toilet and couldn't get out. (Our toilets here are squat toilets), which greatly shortened my daily sleep time. Moreover, after using the toilet, I would continue to use my phone to relieve anxiety and develop a habit of staying up late, which undoubtedly exacerbated my symptoms.It's like a process of constantly pursuing certainty, making sure that I have completely emptied my bladder, but this pursuit is morbid, and I can't accept its uncertainty.I don't know what to do. Do you have any solutions?

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

I hate the way ocd has completely messed up my brain, I struggle to tell the difference between an intrusive though and a regular one, I have really bad issues with morality and I feel as if my brain can no longer tell what is and isn't right and I can't tell if I'm over reacting about situations and I end up feeling stuck in a loop of wondering if I'm a bad person and trying to look at a situation rationally and not knowing if that's even possible with the state of my mind, I feel like none of my thoughts are actually mine. I hate it and I wish I could feel in control of my thoughts even for just a day, just to know what it's like. I've had ocd symptoms since I was about 9-10 so i feel like I've never really know a life without it. I just wish I could live out my teenage years like anyone else my age. I can hardly engage with my hobbies and passions and I don't know what to do about it. I can't go to therapy or get medication because I'm not even diagnosed, I just feel trapped. I'm only a teenager, like I said, I don't want to live my entire life like this.