I hope someone's here for me. I'm at an extreme low. Passing thoughts of suicide exist. I don't think I'll act on it, I just don't know what to do. These past 5 months are enough for me to know what kind of person I am, and it's not good. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. A lot of my friends are telling me I'm a narcissist and too rude with my humor. One of them advised that I should isolate myself from them until I learn to be a better person. Any joy I feel is undeserved. The shit I've seen because of this illness. There's things online that I think I've seen for a couple seconds that's genuinely incriminating. So why is there any compassion? Why am I here? Considering that back in July I'd look up bikini gifs on tenor to make sure I was straight, some of those gifs were tik toks. What if those people were underage? I can't bare this. My parents say there is nothing to worry about but they're liars. I don't wish this upon any other 15 year old. I am not a good person.

🌵

Date posted: 3y ago

you are being very hard on yourself. most people at 15 have dark senses of humors (at that age i was completely like that too. back then maybe there wasnt as much of a “PC” culture, so maybe that’s why you’re getting reprimanded more on it). also: everyone does weird things online. thats part of being human. please stay strong though. ive attempted suicide because of this illness and im telling you, it is not worth the pain that ive caused people around me. i wish you luck, and if you havent, start treatment asap

HappyTurtle ...

Date posted: 3y ago

I am 43 and just diagnosed with OCD this year & now realize I have struggled with it my whole life....teenage years were especially rough. I was 14 when I was hospitalized the first time for attempted suicide, I am really grateful to still be here - even on the rough days, my 3 sons are quite amazing humans and I couldn't imagine them not being in this world & they wouldn't be if I was not. I certainly wish you did not have to deal with this too, and I am also happy that you are here in this community where you can get support -even in the moments you don't think you deserve it. I encourage checking out the community groups if you have not yet. ERP sounded far fetched to me, and with the progress I have made so far I am a total believer now.

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y ago

I’m 19 and feel the exact same way, I’ve done a lot of terrible things in my life, and based off of what you’ve put, I don’t think you’re bad, just regular teenager stuff, it’s good to recognize behavior that’s not good and to be better, it’s all we can do, we all wish we could go back in time and change things, but we can only move forward, it’s just up to you what that future is like

urbread

Date posted: 3y ago

Why do you have compassion? Why do a lot of people feel like I deserve better?

HappyTurtle ...

Date posted: 3y ago

@urbread - Most times it is a lot easier to have compassion for others when we judge our selves so incredibly harshly for the same exact things. I encourage thinking how you would respond if someone you cared about said the same thing to you. My little sister is the person I try to imagine telling me she has thought or done the things I have, (I have gotten stuck in hours and hours long compulsive loops and it is humiliating, and demoralizing) & think about how I would respond to her. I lover her unconditionally and would never judge her no mater what. Imagining her sweet face and my words coming from her, that has really been helping me with learning to practice self compassion. Sending strength and hope.

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y ago

@urbread Because we can’t judge others off of their worst mistakes, you’re really young, and I know I sound like an old man, but I’m an entirely different person now at 19 then I was at 15, adolescence is a very strange, scary, and confusing time, I feel very suicidal about things from my past as well, but the love I get from my friends and family keeps me going, and I’ve told them EVERYTHING I’ve done, they still believe in me, so don’t beat yourself up too much, forgiveness is a beautiful thing, compassion is even better, it’s great you know better now, just keep going

urbread

Date posted: 3y ago

@IHateMyself So my parents were kind of lying when they said my mistakes were normal and that they weren't as bad as I thought them to be. I'm gonna keep going, it's just really difficult.

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y ago

@urbread They weren’t, I HATED hearing this as a teen, but it really is true, the things that seem so big at the time, aren’t as big as they seem. I’m not saying that you’ll always look back and laugh, but try to remember the ignorant and naive kid you were and still are, not meaning to sound rude, it’s just most kids are lol, and just be better is all, everyone has most definitely done things in their past that they loathe now, they all just don’t talk about it

blue fleece

Date posted: 3y ago

Stay strong. I know it can be hard, but keep hope. This illness is so hard, so challenging, and I hear you.

Jesuslover28

Date posted: 19w ago

Idk what to do

I don't even know if I should put this here, but I have the greatest girlfriend in the whole world, and I love her very much, but my thoughts keep saying I'm going to hurt her, so I can hurt God and idk what to do, I feel so disgusted and idk what to do, and the worst part is why does some part of me just not even care idk what to do anymore, it's almost like I'm turning into this horrible person and idk what to do, I'm really not sure what to do. I have really been able to be happy I just feel like I don't deserve it and I want to care about people and God and I want to be a good person, but a part of me shuts off my caring nature and idk what to do, I'm really freaking out because it's like IDC and idk what to do I just feel so nasty and scared because why don't I feel like I care. Why does it feel like it's something I wanna do idk, what to do I'm really freaking worried. Also I don't want OCD but a part of me says I need it or I like these thoughts and idk what to do, as im writing this i just feel like laughing and idk what to do, i really judt want jesus to hug me and say everything will be alright, i am such a monster....

LizOCD3

Date posted: 16w ago

Will this affect me in the future?

When i was between the ages of 11-18 i was a very mentally ill and hyper sexual kid. I did a lot pf sexting, sent nudes, and even one video of me doing inappropriate things that haunt me to this day. I have changed a lot since then and realized that this was all jn relation to (TW!!) sexual abuse i experienced as a child/teen. I still feel horrible for the things that I have done and think about this daily. I beat myself up because I know it was wrong of me to act that way growing up. Im afraid that someone will find these texts/pictures/videos one day and it will lead to my complete humiliation. I want to throw up at the thought of people i know and love seeing me act that. Its not who I am or who I ever was. I regret that part of my life so deeply it hurts.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 15w ago

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

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