- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
you are being very hard on yourself. most people at 15 have dark senses of humors (at that age i was completely like that too. back then maybe there wasnt as much of a “PC” culture, so maybe that’s why you’re getting reprimanded more on it). also: everyone does weird things online. thats part of being human. please stay strong though. ive attempted suicide because of this illness and im telling you, it is not worth the pain that ive caused people around me. i wish you luck, and if you havent, start treatment asap
- Date posted
- 3y
I am 43 and just diagnosed with OCD this year & now realize I have struggled with it my whole life....teenage years were especially rough. I was 14 when I was hospitalized the first time for attempted suicide, I am really grateful to still be here - even on the rough days, my 3 sons are quite amazing humans and I couldn't imagine them not being in this world & they wouldn't be if I was not. I certainly wish you did not have to deal with this too, and I am also happy that you are here in this community where you can get support -even in the moments you don't think you deserve it. I encourage checking out the community groups if you have not yet. ERP sounded far fetched to me, and with the progress I have made so far I am a total believer now.
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m 19 and feel the exact same way, I’ve done a lot of terrible things in my life, and based off of what you’ve put, I don’t think you’re bad, just regular teenager stuff, it’s good to recognize behavior that’s not good and to be better, it’s all we can do, we all wish we could go back in time and change things, but we can only move forward, it’s just up to you what that future is like
- Date posted
- 3y
Why do you have compassion? Why do a lot of people feel like I deserve better?
- Date posted
- 3y
@urbread - Most times it is a lot easier to have compassion for others when we judge our selves so incredibly harshly for the same exact things. I encourage thinking how you would respond if someone you cared about said the same thing to you. My little sister is the person I try to imagine telling me she has thought or done the things I have, (I have gotten stuck in hours and hours long compulsive loops and it is humiliating, and demoralizing) & think about how I would respond to her. I lover her unconditionally and would never judge her no mater what. Imagining her sweet face and my words coming from her, that has really been helping me with learning to practice self compassion. Sending strength and hope.
- Date posted
- 3y
@urbread Because we can’t judge others off of their worst mistakes, you’re really young, and I know I sound like an old man, but I’m an entirely different person now at 19 then I was at 15, adolescence is a very strange, scary, and confusing time, I feel very suicidal about things from my past as well, but the love I get from my friends and family keeps me going, and I’ve told them EVERYTHING I’ve done, they still believe in me, so don’t beat yourself up too much, forgiveness is a beautiful thing, compassion is even better, it’s great you know better now, just keep going
- Date posted
- 3y
@IHateMyself So my parents were kind of lying when they said my mistakes were normal and that they weren't as bad as I thought them to be. I'm gonna keep going, it's just really difficult.
- Date posted
- 3y
@urbread They weren’t, I HATED hearing this as a teen, but it really is true, the things that seem so big at the time, aren’t as big as they seem. I’m not saying that you’ll always look back and laugh, but try to remember the ignorant and naive kid you were and still are, not meaning to sound rude, it’s just most kids are lol, and just be better is all, everyone has most definitely done things in their past that they loathe now, they all just don’t talk about it
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.
- Date posted
- 20w
since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 16w
All the past stuff can’t seem to let go of me. I lied, I normalized horrible things, I’ve tried to be moral in an immoral environment. Two people are dead and I could’ve done something. One of them probably deserved it. They were a pedophile, and I know the relationship they had with me was horrible. The other was a close friend. We were in that environment together, and while I grew away from it, he got further into it. And now he’s dead, hanged himself over some sick perversion someone placed in his mind. I’ve seen such sick things. I knew things were wrong. I tried telling people. I told that friend, it isn’t normal. Isn’t this stuff wrong? Aren’t we being influenced? He didn’t see it. I should’ve tried harder to make him see my way. I’m away from all of it. But he never got to get away. I remember telling people I knew from that environment, those online spaces. Since I was sixteen, I knew it was off. I knew these ideas planted in our heads were sick. I tried to convince people when I turned eighteen, but nobody saw it. Everyone was still brain washed. I’m a horrible person, I haven’t done enough to stop anything. I’ve always had a passion to help people, but I never was able to. I’ve been uncomfortable with sex for a while, but I can’t stop. I remember being uncomfortable with a girl in my school. She was really sexual towards me. I tried to tell the office, nobody listened, it’s just a crush. And then I started to like it, but it still felt wrong. And then she got expelled, and I was telling people she harassed me. Nobody really took it serious, it was just funny, so I exaggerated and said she squeezed my crotch and it hurt. Then people finally sympathized with me. There was another lie, a lie that still hurts me. There was a girl in our class. Everyone made jokes about her, I tried to be nice and talk to her, but then she got a bit creepy towards me. She wouldn’t stop following me. It got uncomfortable. What did I do? I lied again, because everyone started making jokes about how she liked me and I was uncomfortable. I said she made a suggestive comment to me, and they all laughed. I just wanted it to stop. I lied, again. I am deceitful. That poor girl wrote in my yearbook and thanked me for being a good friend, but I made her into a joke just to save my own skin. I am a coward, I hurt people, and I deserve to be put down like an animal. I’m sorry for making myself seem like someone else, I tried to help as much people as I could, I tried. All I want is to be good, but too much bad has happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try and redeem myself everyone. You all are so strong. I’m not going to harm myself, but I accept that I have evil within me.
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