I was given one chance at this life and I threw it, i just cant see a normal future, dont even know what my normal is supposed to like now, slowly rotting away

There's always always always time to change things. I get in the headspace that I'm a failure all the time. But why is it we're so harsh on ourselves when we would never say the things we tell ourselves to other people? Right now I'm in probably the worst spot of my life other than when I was actively getting traumatized. Everything feels completely pointless. I learned to stop future tripping. It doesn't matter what my life will look like in 5 or 10 years. Because that can change depending on my actions every day. And it's a lot easier to make good decisions when you're not enemies with yourself. Normal doesn't exist. I've stopped trying to be it because it's impossible. I'm just going to be whatever I am in the moment. There's a few people in my life that many people in my place would want dead. I still feel forgiveness and empathy for them. This is what I mean by there's always time to change things. There really is no such thing as having one chance. Life is a chain of possibilities that you can miss or take advantage of. We're not any worse as people for missing a hell of a lot of those chances. Struggling with the mental illness we have, it's to be expected. We're dealing with more than what we call "normal" people are. If you feel you had one chance at life, you definitely didn't blow it. If the chance is ruined in your mind, it's not your fault. Having OCD is fucking hard. If anything it was stolen from you. It sounds like today isn't the day to be tackling the existential stuff. Instead, treat yourself to things you like and tell the OCD part of your brain you can get into it later when you feel better. Because the emotional part of our minds is not good as decision making or seeing things the way they actually are. On bad days I make a pillow fort like when I used to be little, put on a show I like, and make myself a special meal (or if I can't do that I'll order something). I put my responsibilities on pause. You don't expect someone with covid to be running a mile and finding success in their life. You would expect them to rest and try their best to survive. Mental illness is illness. We need to be taking care of ourselves, not pressuring ourselves to be accomplished and performing perfectly. That's not fair. So even if it's just for 20 minutes, go do some self care for a bit. Even if you don't feel you deserve it