I wish my mom would just let me make mistakes in school so that I would actually be free from OCD. I am so obsessed with perfect grades and perfect attendances, and when I try to do exposures, make mistakes on purpose or try not to ruminate on a mistake that's already been done, my mom scolds me and says that she's dissappointed me me and that I need to be good enough and that one mistake will haunt me forever, and I believe her, even though I know that's not true. I don't care about perfect grades or perfect attendance, I just care about learning and having fun. But I'm convinced that something bad is gonna happen if I miss a class for fail one test, just because my mom says so. Even though I don't give a shit about grades and all, I just be perfect, ruminate, check, because if I don't mom will try to belittle me and say that I'm not good enough for her.

Unfortunately no, I've been battling with this abuse for my whole life. I wish I could be strong and just ignore what she says and just stay true to what I actually want, but she's always getting in my head.

Okay. How is she seeing your grades? Like do you get paper grades back or is it online or?

@excalibre-hotmessexpress We still get actual hardcopy report card but we can also get it online. Honestly, she already stopped being so naggy with my grades after a while, it's the attendances that I'm really worried about atm. I missed some of my classes now which I never did before the pandemic, since I was made sure to not miss any class because I was physically brought to school. But with online classes I sometimes miss classes because I get so easily distracted for hours on my phone and I forgot I was supposed to join a zoom meeting. I'm afraid of what she'll think after she sees my absences, even though I didn't mean to actually miss those classes on purpose. She'll probably say "oh I'm paying for your tuition and this is how you repay me? yadayada" and if I explain my side she might just say, "Riiiiigghhtt , you "weren't paying attention at the time" No, you just want to miss your classes don't you?"

@AbiGail123 ...are you in private school or college? If you're in college and 18+, she not only has no right to access your grades, it's illegal for her to do so and illegal for the school to do that. Like everybody involved could get sued sued.

@excalibre-hotmessexpress Uhhhmm I'm still in highschool, also like I said, I'm more worried about my attendances than my grades. Bc in our schools, we have this thing called "perfect attendance" certificate, which means you that if NEVER miss a class or a school day, you'll get that award, and it's pretty common to get that award. But my mom would be so upset if I don't get it

@AbiGail123 I'm really sorry, that's awful. Maybe you could ask a teacher if you could make up missing attendance, or if missing attendance could be forgiven for the year because of the change in the structure of the school and the stress of the pandemic and your mental health. A very understanding teacher might say yes, and if they do say no, you're only in the same boat as when you started. I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds rough. If the teacher does say no, you might also speak to the vp/principal/superintendent/higher ups about abolishing perfect attendance for the year for the same reason...or even abolishing perfect attendance altogether, as it incentivizes students to ignore their mental and physical health/prioritizes students who aren't disabled, neurodivergent, mentally or chronically ill, and there are a bunch of studies and articles as to why that shouldn't be a thing anymore. Other than that, I really don't know what to tell you, so I'm sorry if that advice isn't helpful...

@excalibre-hotmessexpress I'd also recommend setting an alarm on your phone for 10 minutes before class starts, and then you can arrive a little early in the future. Definitely point out to whoever you're making a case to that you've made an effort to arrive early and that you've always gotten perfect attendance before, so you're not trying to pull a fast one so you can slack off.

That was about to be my suggestion. There are ways to fake paper grades, report cards, even online grades, and it's very easy. There's a reason my name is hotmessexpress- I KNOW how to do these things, and as long as a teacher is in support, you're 👍

grades really aren't all that important in high school, especially not if the cost is a debilitating mental illness.

Yeah this is maybe not the place to defend a mom who is actively deliberately destroying her child's mental health. Like that's mental abuse.

@teeth Please read my comment. If you're seeking higher education, yes, they are important.

@Maria weird. I failed half my classes and was a 4.0 student throughout undergrad.

@excalibre-hotmessexpress I agree the mother is in the wrong, but are you not noticing pursefully failing courses is only damaging the original poster.

@Maria They're not purposefully failing- they're purposely making some mistakes as ERP. 90% is not failing. 80% is not failing. It's honor roll. You are out here making wild assumptions about what is or isn't good for a stranger on an OCD forum who is trying to combat OCD, most likely with the help and guidance of their therapist. So unless you have a degree and you are their therapist, you do not get to make decisions or comments contradicting what they've been told to do. And if you're going to come onto an OCD forum and tell people not only not to do their ERP but to purposely say the same things they wrote paragraphs about being triggered by, you need to go. Not just off the post but off this forum entirely.

@excalibre-hotmessexpress If you continue to behave inappropriately here, I'll be showing my therapist screenshots of this conversation.

@excalibre-hotmessexpress Relax. I hope you realize the poster posted a question asking for advice, that means listening to all perspectives. His mother is correct in believing that grades are important, the issue is her approach is too harsh. Poster can go to therapy by himself, but he/she needs to go to counseling with his/her mother. It is very easy to advice someone "go make mistakes", but when he goes home he is going to be the one dealing with his family. You must take that into consideration. Also, the ultimate goal is to stop finding reassurance in grades as a measure of one's value. It isn't so much about his mother's approval. PS. I know what ERP is, I'm not sure why you would assume I didn't know? PS2. I can take a screenshot and show my therapist too 😒

@Maria 1. I never said you didn't know what ERP was. 2. You have repeatedly defended the mother and made the issue about them seeking reassurance in their grades when they've made it clear that this isn't the issue- the issue is that their mother is belittling them and abusing them to the point of making it impossible for them to do ERP. And you can show your therapist this all you like, but the fact is is that your behavior is inappropriate, and mine isn't. So what is your therapist going to do? Because you will be the one getting in trouble for this, as you deserve at this point.

Did you purposefully fail? Because that's what the original poster said he would rather do.