I feel like Im incapable of love because everytime I am getting intimate with this guy I like I get ptsd triggers and am dissasociated and all of the medications i tried never helped and only make me more anxious and depressed. I do ERP but I dont think im getting better. It is hard to find hope because I dont know if I will ever be able to love

hi! I broke a short period of doing well without compulsions because I got triggered again. Before this, I had about two calmer days where I didn’t spiral so much, but now everything feels worse. I’m scared that I don’t love my boyfriend as much as I used to, or that this relationship is making me feel stuck or sad. He’s a wonderful person, and I hate thinking this way. I smelled a perfume that used to make me feel calm and in love, and now it just makes me question everything. I spent hours last night searching Reddit, especially on r/ROCD, trying to see if someone is like me or if anyone has answers. I keep rereading posts, hoping I’ll feel certain about what I should do. But I just feel more confused. I keep thinking, “What if I heal and then realize I don’t love him?” or “What if I’m only staying because I feel safe with him or I’m used to him?” I feel numb sometimes, or like I’m pretending, and I hate it. I want to feel love and clarity again. I don’t know what’s real or what’s ROCD anymore. I just feel lost and afraid. I talk to hi. now and i feel so strange like i dont want to force myself i want to like him i dont understand what i feel i feel so weird in my chest

I am struggling to live life and do my ERPs. I am taking medication and doing ERP still along with therapy (had 10+ years of PTSD therapy). I don't have anything to look forward to. I've accomplished a lot in life but they don't matter to me anymore. There's little to no reward or there's stimuli of feeling or being treated badly even if I did good. Coping skills have become maladaptive. My values have changed and there is nothing I really want but my ex for the past years. ROCD is making my body react as if I am unable to be happy without my ex. He helped me through hard times and heal from trauma, but he was his own mess of trauma that I could not heal (he needs a real therapist and to go consistently). Yet when I was with him ROCD (didn't know about it at the time) kept telling me to leave from his unreasonable actions. Hard time sitting in limbo as I'm unable to decide and hard to keep doing nothing without something to look forward in life. I feel self abandonment whether I go back to him or stay away. I want to be able to live with myself even if I'll never end up with anyone. I hate not doing something of self care or feeling anything but apathy or worse every day despite doing things anyways. I worked hard to get safe only to have no joy in life anymore.

So been trying to do erp with my therapist for a while now, and tis really hard and feels like it's not working. Il get this weird sensation or feeling that makes me feel"gay" or as if I'm attracted to someone, and I know my therapist keeps telling me" you don't have to put meaning into the thoughts or feelings" but that seems impossible to do because and I'm sorry to say, it makes me feel that specific way. And I'll use the Erp quotes, "maybe maybe not" or"the more I struggle, the worse it gets" or"these feelings and thoughts are here, but I'm choosing to let them be" and I'll do nothing and try to let it be here but it's so distracting and feels very real, and it's like this sensation, small or big and it last all day, and even just sitting with it isn't working. And my therapist will tell me"you don't have to believe in it" and I'm sorry I feel like if it were that easy, OCD would have never been a problem in the first place, or live with uncertainty, however it doesn't feel like uncertainty, but feels very truthful or valid. Idk what I'm doing wrong tho